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ausnahmsweise* （the only word that will do here ＇* by way of exception＇）； were all getting on well together。 no squabbles； though that probably wont last long。 there hasnt been such peace and quiet in this house for at least six months。
bep is still in isolation； but any day now her sister will no longer be contagious。
for christmas； were getting extra cooking oil； candy and molasses。 for hanukkah； mr。
dussel gave mrs。 van daan and mother a beautiful cake； which hed asked miep to bake。 on top of all the work she has to do！ margot and i received a brooch made out of a penny； all bright and shiny。 i cant really describe it； but its lovely。
i also have a christmas present for miep and bep。 for a whole month ive saved up the sugar i put on my hot cereal； and mr。 kleiman has used it to have fondant made。
the weather is drizzly and overcast； the stove stinks； and the food lies heavily on our stomachs； producing a variety of rumbles。
the war is at an impasse； spirits are low。
yours； anne
friday； december 24； 1943
dear kitty；
as ive written you many times before； moods have a tendency to affect us quite a bit here； and in my case its been getting worse lately。 〃himmelhoch jauchzend； zu tode betrubt〃* ＇* a famous line from goethe： 〃on top of the world； or in the depths of despair。〃＇ certainly applies to me。 im 〃on top of the world〃 when i think of how fortunate we are and pare myself to other jewish children； and 〃in the depths of despair〃 when； for example； mrs。 kleiman es by and talks about jopies hockey club； canoe trips； school plays and afternoon teas with friends。
i dont think im jealous of jopie； but i long to have a really good time for once and
to laugh so hard it hurts。
were stuck in this house like lepers； especially during winter and the christmas and new years holidays。 actually； i shouldnt even be writing this； since it makes me seem so ungrateful； but i cant keep everything to myself； so ill repeat what i said at the beginning： 〃paper is more patient than people。鈥�
whenever someone es in from outside； with the wind in their clothes and the cold on their cheeks； i feel like burying my head under the blankets to keep from thinking； 〃when will we be allowed to breathe fresh air again？〃 i cant do that on the contrary； i have to hold my head up high and put a bold face on things； but the thoughts keep ing anyway。 not just once； but over and over。
believe me； if youve been shut up for a year and a half； it can get to be too much for you sometimes。 but feelings cant be ignored； no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem。 i long to ride a bike； dance； whistle； look at the world； feel young and know that im free； and yet i cant let it show。 just imagine what would happen if all eight of us were to feel sorry for ourselves or walk around with the discontent clearly visible on our faces。 where would that get us？ i sometimes wonder if anyone will ever understand what i mean； if anyone will ever overlook my ingratitude and not worry about whether or not im jewish and merely see me as a teenager badly in need of some good plain fun。 i dont know； and i wouldnt be able to talk about it with anyone； since im sure id start to cry。 crying can bring relief； as long as you dont cry alone。 despite all my theories and efforts； i miss every day and every hour of the day having a mother who understands me。 thats why with everything i do and write； i imagine the kind of mom id like to be to my children later on。 the kind of mom who doesnt take everything people say too seriously； but who does take me seriously。 i find it difficult to describe what i mean； but the word mom〃 says it all。
do you know what ive e up with？ in order to give me the feeling of calling my mother something that sounds like 〃mom；〃 i often call her〃 momsy。〃 sometimes i shorten it to 〃moms〃； an imperfect 〃mom。〃 i wish i could honor her by removing the 〃s。〃 its a good thing she doesnt realize this； since it would only make her unhappy。
well； thats enough of that。 my writing has raised me somewhat from 〃the depths of despair。鈥�
yours； anne
its the day after christmas； and i cant help thinking about pim and the story he told me this time last year。 i didnt understand the meaning of his words then as well as i do now。 if only hed bring it up again； i might be able to show him i understood what
he meant！
i think pim told me because he； who knows the 〃intimate secrets〃 of so many others； needed to express his own feelings for once； pim never talks about himself； and i dont think margot has any inkling of what hes been through。 poor pim； he cant fool me into thinking hes forgotten that girl。 he never will。 its made him very acmodating； since hes not blind to mothers faults。 i hope im going to be a little like him； without having to go through what he has！
anne monday； december 27； 1943
friday evening； for the first time in my life； i received a christmas present。 mr。
kleiman； mr。 kugler and the girls had prepared a wonderful surprise for us。 miep made a delicious christmas cake with 〃peace 1944〃 written on top； and bep provided a batch of cookies that was up to prewar standards。
there was a jar of yogurt for peter； margot and me； and a bottle of beer for each of the adults。 and once again everything was wrapped so nicely； with pretty pictures glued to the packages。 for the rest； the holidays passed by quickly for us。
anne wednesday； december 29； 1943
i was very sad again last night。 grandma and hanneli came to me once more。
grandma； oh； my sweet grandma。 how little we understood what she suffered； how kind she always was and what an interest she took in everything that concerned us。
and to think that all that time she was carefully guarding her terrible secret。 * ＇*annes grandmother was terminally ill。＇ grandma was always so loyal and good。 she would never have let any of us down。
whatever happened； no matter how much i misbehaved； grandma always stuck up for me。 grandma； did you love me； or did you not understand me either？ i dont know。
how lonely grandma must have been； in spite of us。 you can be lonely even when youre loved by many people； since youre still not bd〃di〃 any 0 y s one an only。
and hanneli？ is she still alive？ whats she doing？ dear god； watch over her and bring her back to us。 hanneli； youre a reminder of what my fate might have been。 i keep seeing myself in your place。 so why am i often miserable about what goes on here？
shouldnt i be happy； contented and glad； except when im thinking of hanneli and those suffering along with her？ im selfish and cowardly。 why do i always think and dream the most awful things and want to scream in terror？ because； in spite of everything； i still dont have enough faith in god。 hes given me so much； which i dont deserve； and yet each day i make so many mistakes！
thinking about the suffering of those you hold dear can reduce you to tears； in fact； you could spend the whole day crying。 the most you can do is pray for god to perform a miracle and save at least some of them。 and i hope im doing enough of that！
anne thursday； december 30； 1943
dearest kitty；
since the last raging quarrels； things have settled down here； not o