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go farther； and so we should return without seeing more than the
streets through which we had already passed。 That would give me
another day's suspensesuspense； the only form in which a fearful
spirit knows the solace of hope。 But； as I stood under the
blackened； groined arches of that old synagogue； made dimly visible
by the seven thin candles in the sacred lamp； while our Jewish
cicerone reached down the Book of the Law； and read to us in its
ancient tongueI felt a shuddering impression that this strange
building； with its shrunken lights； this surviving withered remnant
of medieval Judaism； was of a piece with my vision。 Those darkened
dusty Christian saints； with their loftier arches and their larger
candles； needed the consolatory scorn with which they might point
to a more shrivelled death…in…life than their own。
As I expected； when we left the Jews' quarter the elders of our
party wished to return to the hotel。 But now； instead of rejoicing
in this； as I had done beforehand； I felt a sudden overpowering
impulse to go on at once to the bridge； and put an end to the
suspense I had been wishing to protract。 I declared； with unusual
decision； that I would get out of the carriage and walk on alone；
they might return without me。 My father； thinking this merely a
sample of my usual 〃poetic nonsense；〃 objected that I should only
do myself harm by walking in the heat； but when I persisted； he
said angrily that I might follow my own absurd devices； but that
Schmidt （our courier） must go with me。 I assented to this； and set
off with Schmidt towards the bridge。 I had no sooner passed from
under the archway of the grand old gate leading an to the bridge；
than a trembling seized me； and I turned cold under the mid…day
sun； yet I went on； I was in search of somethinga small detail
which I remembered with special intensity as part of my vision。
There it wasthe patch of rainbow light on the pavement
transmitted through a lamp in the shape of a star。
CHAPTER II
Before the autumn was at an end； and while the brown leaves still
stood thick on the beeches in our park； my brother and Bertha were
engaged to each other； and it was understood that their marriage
was to take place early in the next spring。 In spite of the
certainty I had felt from that moment on the bridge at Prague； that
Bertha would one day be my wife； my constitutional timidity and
distrust had continued to benumb me； and the words in which I had
sometimes premeditated a confession of my love； had died away
unuttered。 The same conflict had gone on within me as beforethe
longing for an assurance of love from Bertha's lips； the dread lest
a word of contempt and denial should fall upon me like a corrosive
acid。 What was the conviction of a distant necessity to me？ l
trembled under a present glance； I hungered after a present joy； I
was clogged and chilled by a present fear。 And so the days passed
on： I witnessed Bertha's engagement and heard her marriage
discussed as if I were under a conscious nightmareknowing it was
a dream that would vanish； but feeling stifled under the grasp of
hard…clutching fingers。
When I was not in Bertha's presenceand I was with her very often；
for she continued to treat me with a playful patronage that wakened
no jealousy in my brotherI spent my time chiefly in wandering； in
strolling； or taking long rides while the daylight lasted； and then
shutting myself up with my unread books； for books had lost the
power of chaining my attention。 My self…consciousness was
heightened to that pitch of intensity in which our own emotions
take the form of a drama which urges itself imperatively on our
contemplation； and we begin to weep； less under the sense of our
suffering than at the thought of it。 I felt a sort of pitying
anguish over the pathos of my own lot： the lot of a being finely
organized for pain； but with hardly any fibres that responded to
pleasureto whom the idea of future evil robbed the present of its
joy； and for whom the idea of future good did not still the
uneasiness of a present yearning or a present dread。 I went dumbly
through that stage of the poet's suffering； in which he feels the
delicious pang of utterance； and makes an image of his sorrows。
I was left entirely without remonstrance concerning this dreamy
wayward life： I knew my father's thought about me： 〃That lad will
never be good for anything in life： he may waste his years in an
insignificant way on the income that falls to him： I shall not
trouble myself about a career for him。〃
One mild morning in the beginning of November； it happened that I
was standing outside the portico patting lazy old Caesar； a
Newfoundland almost blind with age； the only dog that ever took any
notice of mefor the very dogs shunned me； and fawned on the
happier people about mewhen the groom brought up my brother's
horse which was to carry him to the hunt； and my brother himself
appeared at the door； florid； broad…chested； and self…complacent；
feeling what a good…natured fellow he was not to behave insolently
to us all on the strength of his great advantages。
〃Latimer； old boy；〃 he said to me in a tone of compassionate
cordiality； 〃what a pity it is you don't have a run with the hounds
now and then！ The finest thing in the world for low spirits！〃
〃Low spirits！〃 I thought bitterly； as he rode away； 〃that is the
sort of phrase with which coarse； narrow natures like yours think
to describe experience of which you can know no more than your
horse knows。 It is to such as you that the good of this world
falls： ready dulness； healthy selfishness； good…tempered conceit
these are the keys to happiness。〃
The quick thought came； that my selfishness was even stronger than
hisit was only a suffering selfishness instead of an enjoying
one。 But then； again； my exasperating insight into Alfred's self…
complacent soul； his freedom from all the doubts and fears； the
unsatisfied yearnings； the exquisite tortures of sensitiveness；
that had made the web of my life； seemed to absolve me from all
bonds towards him。 This man needed no pity； no love； those fine
influences would have been as little felt by him as the delicate
white mist is felt by the rock it caresses。 There was no evil in
store for HIM： if he was not to marry Bertha； it would be because
he had found a lot pleasanter to himself。
Mr。 Filmore's house lay not more than half a mile beyond our own
gates； and whenever I knew my brother was gone in another
direction； I went there for the chance of finding Bertha at home。
Later on in the day I walked thither。 By a rare accident she was
alone； and we walked out in the grounds together； for she seldom
went on foot beyond the trimly…swept gravel…walks。 I remember what
a beautiful sylph she looked to me as the low November sun shone on
her blond hair； and she tripped along teasing me with her usual
light banter； to which I listened half fondly； half moodily； it was
all the sign Bertha's mysterious inner self ever made to me。 To…
day perhaps； the moodiness predominated； for I had not yet shaken
off the access of jealous hate which my brother had raised in me by
his