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Intense and hopeless misery was pressing on my soul； the light
became stronger； for Bertha was entering with a candle in her hand…
…Bertha； my wifewith cruel eyes； with green jewels and green
leaves on her white ball…dress； every hateful thought within her
present to me 。 。 。 〃Madman； idiot！ why don't you kill yourself；
then？〃 It was a moment of hell。 I saw into her pitiless soulsaw
its barren worldliness； its scorching hateand felt it clothe me
round like an air I was obliged to breathe。 She came with her
candle and stood over me with a bitter smile of contempt； I saw the
great emerald brooch on her bosom； a studded serpent with diamond
eyes。 I shudderedI despised this woman with the barren soul and
mean thoughts； but I felt helpless before her； as if she clutched
my bleeding heart； and would clutch it till the last drop of life…
blood ebbed away。 She was my wife； and we hated each other。
Gradually the hearth； the dim library； the candle…light
disappearedseemed to melt away into a background of light； the
green serpent with the diamond eyes remaining a dark image on the
retina。 Then I had a sense of my eyelids quivering； and the living
daylight broke in upon me； I saw gardens； and heard voices； I was
seated on the steps of the Belvedere Terrace； and my friends were
round me。
The tumult of mind into which I was thrown by this hideous vision
made me ill for several days； and prolonged our stay at Vienna。 I
shuddered with horror as the scene recurred to me； and it recurred
constantly； with all its minutiae； as if they had been burnt into
my memory； and yet； such is the madness of the human heart under
the influence of its immediate desires； I felt a wild hell…braving
joy that Bertha was to be mine； for the fulfilment of my former
prevision concerning her first appearance before me； left me little
hope that this last hideous glimpse of the future was the mere
diseased play of my own mind； and had no relation to external
realities。 One thing alone I looked towards as a possible means of
casting doubt on my terrible convictionthe discovery that my
vision of Prague had been falseand Prague was the next city on
our route。
Meanwhile； I was no sooner in Bertha's society again than I was as
completely under her sway as before。 What if I saw into the heart
of Bertha； the matured womanBertha； my wife？ Bertha； the GIRL；
was a fascinating secret to me still： I trembled under her touch；
I felt the witchery of her presence； I yearned to be assured of her
love。 The fear of poison is feeble against the sense of thirst。
Nay； I was just as jealous of my brother as beforejust as much
irritated by his small patronizing ways； for my pride； my diseased
sensibility； were there as they had always been； and winced as
inevitably under every offence as my eye winced from an intruding
mote。 The future； even when brought within the compass of feeling
by a vision that made me shudder； had still no more than the force
of an idea； compared with the force of present emotionof my love
for Bertha； of my dislike and jealousy towards my brother。
It is an old story； that men sell themselves to the tempter； and
sign a bond with their blood； because it is only to take effect at
a distant day； then rush on to snatch the cup their souls thirst
after with an impulse not the less savage because there is a dark
shadow beside them for evermore。 There is no short cut； no patent
tram…road； to wisdom： after all the centuries of invention； the
soul's path lies through the thorny wilderness which must be still
trodden in solitude； with bleeding feet； with sobs for help； as it
was trodden by them of old time。
My mind speculated eagerly on the means by which I should become my
brother's successful rival； for I was still too timid； in my
ignorance of Bertha's actual feeling； to venture on any step that
would urge from her an avowal of it。 I thought I should gain
confidence even for this； if my vision of Prague proved to have
been veracious； and yet； the horror of that certitude！ Behind the
slim girl Bertha； whose words and looks I watched for； whose touch
was bliss； there stood continually that Bertha with the fuller
form； the harder eyes； the more rigid mouthwith the barren；
selfish soul laid bare； no longer a fascinating secret； but a
measured fact； urging itself perpetually on my unwilling sight。
Are you unable to give me your sympathyyou who react this？ Are
you unable to imagine this double consciousness at work within me；
flowing on like two parallel streams which never mingle their
waters and blend into a common hue？ Yet you must have known
something of the presentiments that spring from an insight at war
with passion； and my visions were only like presentiments
intensified to horror。 You have known the powerlessness of ideas
before the might of impulse； and my visions； when once they had
passed into memory； were mere ideaspale shadows that beckoned in
vain； while my hand was grasped by the living and the loved。
In after…days I thought with bitter regret that if I had foreseen
something more or something differentif instead of that hideous
vision which poisoned the passion it could not destroy； or if even
along with it I could have had a foreshadowing of that moment when
I looked on my brother's face for the last time； some softening
influence would have been shed over my feeling towards him： pride
and hatred would surely have been subdued into pity； and the record
of those hidden sins would have been shortened。 But this is one of
the vain thoughts with which we men flatter ourselves。 We try to
believe that the egoism within us would have easily been melted；
and that it was only the narrowness of our knowledge which hemmed
in our generosity； our awe； our human piety； and hindered them from
submerging our hard indifference to the sensations and emotions of
our fellows。 Our tenderness and self…renunciation seem strong when
our egoism has had its daywhen； after our mean striving for a
triumph that is to be another's loss； the triumph comes suddenly；
and we shudder at it； because it is held out by the chill hand of
death。
Our arrival in Prague happened at night； and I was glad of this；
for it seemed like a deferring of a terribly decisive moment； to be
in the city for hours without seeing it。 As we were not to remain
long in Prague； but to go on speedily to Dresden； it was proposed
that we should drive out the next morning and take a general view
of the place； as well as visit some of its specially interesting
spots； before the heat became oppressivefor we were in August；
and the season was hot and dry。 But it happened that the ladies
were rather late at their morning toilet； and to my father's
politely…repressed but perceptible annoyance； we were not in the
carriage till the morning was far advanced。 I thought with a sense
of relief； as we entered the Jews' quarter； where we were to visit
the old synagogue； that we should be kept in this flat； shut…up
part of the city； until we should all be too tired and too warm to
go farther； and so we should return without seeing more than the
streets through which we had already passed。 That wou