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and deeds emerge like leaflets covering a fermenting heap。
At Basle we were joined by my brother Alfred； now a handsome； self…
confident man of six…and…twentya thorough contrast to my fragile；
nervous； ineffectual self。 I believe I was held to have a sort of
half…womanish； half…ghostly beauty； for the portrait…painters； who
are thick as weeds at Geneva； had often asked me to sit to them；
and I had been the model of a dying minstrel in a fancy picture。
But I thoroughly disliked my own physique and nothing but the
belief that it was a condition of poetic genius would have
reconciled me to it。 That brief hope was quite fled； and I saw in
my face now nothing but the stamp of a morbid organization； framed
for passive sufferingtoo feeble for the sublime resistance of
poetic production。 Alfred； from whom I had been almost constantly
separated； and who； in his present stage of character and
appearance； came before me as a perfect stranger； was bent on being
extremely friendly and brother…like to me。 He had the superficial
kindness of a good…humoured； self…satisfied nature； that fears no
rivalry； and has encountered no contrarieties。 I am not sure that
my disposition was good enough for me to have been quite free from
envy towards him； even if our desires had not clashed； and if I had
been in the healthy human condition which admits of generous
confidence and charitable construction。 There must always have
been an antipathy between our natures。 As it was； he became in a
few weeks an object of intense hatred to me； and when he entered
the room； still more when he spoke； it was as if a sensation of
grating metal had set my teeth on edge。 My diseased consciousness
was more intensely and continually occupied with his thoughts and
emotions； than with those of any other person who came in my way。
I was perpetually exasperated with the petty promptings of his
conceit and his love of patronage； with his self…complacent belief
in Bertha Grant's passion for him； with his half…pitying contempt
for meseen not in the ordinary indications of intonation and
phrase and slight action； which an acute and suspicious mind is on
the watch for； but in all their naked skinless complication。
For we were rivals； and our desires clashed； though he was not
aware of it。 I have said nothing yet of the effect Bertha Grant
produced in me on a nearer acquaintance。 That effect was chiefly
determined by the fact that she made the only exception； among all
the human beings about me； to my unhappy gift of insight。 About
Bertha I was always in a state of uncertainty： I could watch the
expression of her face； and speculate on its meaning； I could ask
for her opinion with the real interest of ignorance； I could listen
for her words and watch for her smile with hope and fear： she had
for me the fascination of an unravelled destiny。 I say it was this
fact that chiefly determined the strong effect she produced on me：
for； in the abstract； no womanly character could seem to have less
affinity for that of a shrinking； romantic； passionate youth than
Bertha's。 She was keen； sarcastic； unimaginative； prematurely
cynical； remaining critical and unmoved in the most impressive
scenes； inclined to dissect all my favourite poems； and especially
contemptous towards the German lyrics which were my pet literature
at that time。 To this moment I am unable to define my feeling
towards her： it was not ordinary boyish admiration； for she was
the very opposite； even to the colour of her hair； of the ideal
woman who still remained to me the type of loveliness； and she was
without that enthusiasm for the great and good； which； even at the
moment of her strongest dominion over me； I should have declared to
be the highest element of character。 But there is no tyranny more
complete than that which a self…centred negative nature exercises
over a morbidly sensitive nature perpetually craving sympathy and
support。 The most independent people feel the effect of a man's
silence in heightening their value for his opinionfeel an
additional triumph in conquering the reverence of a critic
habitually captious and satirical： no wonder； then； that an
enthusiastic self…distrusting youth should watch and wait before
the closed secret of a sarcastic woman's face； as if it were the
shrine of the doubtfully benignant deity who ruled his destiny。
For a young enthusiast is unable to imagine the total negation in
another mind of the emotions which are stirring his own： they may
be feeble； latent； inactive； he thinks； but they are therethey
may be called forth； sometimes； in moments of happy hallucination；
he believes they may be there in all the greater strength because
he sees no outward sign of them。 And this effect； as I have
intimated； was heightened to its utmost intensity in me； because
Bertha was the only being who remained for me in the mysterious
seclusion of soul that renders such youthful delusion possible。
Doubtless there was another sort of fascination at workthat
subtle physical attraction which delights in cheating our
psychological predictions； and in compelling the men who paint
sylphs； to fall in love with some bonne et brave femme； heavy…
heeled and freckled。
Bertha's behaviour towards me was such as to encourage all my
illusions； to heighten my boyish passion； and make me more and more
dependent on her smiles。 Looking back with my present wretched
knowledge； I conclude that her vanity and love of power were
intensely gratified by the belief that I had fainted on first
seeing her purely from the strong impression her person had
produced on me。 The most prosaic woman likes to believe herself
the object of a violent； a poetic passion； and without a grain of
romance in her； Bertha had that spirit of intrigue which gave
piquancy to the idea that the brother of the man she meant to marry
was dying with love and jealousy for her sake。 That she meant to
marry my brother； was what at that time I did not believe； for
though he was assiduous in his attentions to her； and I knew well
enough that both he and my father had made up their minds to this
result； there was not yet an understood engagementthere had been
no explicit declaration； and Bertha habitually； while she flirted
with my brother； and accepted his homage in a way that implied to
him a thorough recognition of its intention； made me believe； by
the subtlest looks and phrasesfeminine nothings which could never
be quoted against herthat he was really the object of her secret
ridicule； that she thought him； as I did； a coxcomb； whom she would
have pleasure in disappointing。 Me she openly petted in my
brother's presence； as if I were too young and sickly ever to be
thought of as a lover； and that was the view he took of me。 But I
believe she must inwardly have delighted in the tremors into which
she threw me by the coaxing way in which she patted my curls； while
she laughed at my quotations。 Such caresses were always given in
the presence of our friends； for when we were alone together； she
affected a much greater distance towards me； and now and then took
the opportunity； by words or slight actions； to stimulate my