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last fitful yearning glance his soul had cast back on the spent
inheritance of lifethe last faint consciousness of love he had
gathered from the pressure of my hand。 What are all our personal
loves when we have been sharing in that supreme agony？ In the
first moments when we come away from the presence of death； every
other relation to the living is merged； to our feeling； in the
great relation of a common nature and a common destiny。
In that state of mind I joined Bertha in her private sitting…room。
She was seated in a leaning posture on a settee； with her back
towards the door； the great rich coils of her pale blond hair
surmounting her small neck； visible above the back of the settee。
I remember； as I closed the door behind me； a cold tremulousness
seizing me； and a vague sense of being hated and lonelyvague and
strong； like a presentiment。 I know how I looked at that moment；
for I saw myself in Bertha's thought as she lifted her cutting grey
eyes； and looked at me： a miserable ghost…seer； surrounded by
phantoms in the noonday； trembling under a breeze when the leaves
were still； without appetite for the common objects of human
desires； but pining after the moon…beams。 We were front to front
with each other； and judged each other。 The terrible moment of
complete illumination had come to me； and I saw that the darkness
had hidden no landscape from me； but only a blank prosaic wall：
from that evening forth； through the sickening years which
followed； I saw all round the narrow room of this woman's soulsaw
petty artifice and mere negation where I had delighted to believe
in coy sensibilities and in wit at war with latent feelingsaw the
light floating vanities of the girl defining themselves into the
systematic coquetry； the scheming selfishness； of the womansaw
repulsion and antipathy harden into cruel hatred； giving pain only
for the sake of wreaking itself。
For Bertha too； after her kind； felt the bitterness of disillusion。
She had believed that my wild poet's passion for her would make me
her slave； and that； being her slave； I should execute her will in
all things。 With the essential shallowness of a negative；
unimaginative nature； she was unable to conceive the fact that
sensibilities were anything else than weaknesses。 She had thought
my weaknesses would put me in her power； and she found them
unmanageable forces。 Our positions were reversed。 Before marriage
she had completely mastered my imagination； for she was a secret to
me； and I created the unknown thought before which I trembled as if
it were hers。 But now that her soul was laid open to me； now that
I was compelled to share the privacy of her motives； to follow all
the petty devices that preceded her words and acts； she found
herself powerless with me； except to produce in me the chill
shudder of repulsionpowerless； because I could be acted on by no
lever within her reach。 I was dead to worldly ambitions； to social
vanities； to all the incentives within the compass of her narrow
imagination； and I lived under influences utterly invisible to her。
She was really pitiable to have such a husband； and so all the
world thought。 A graceful； brilliant woman； like Bertha； who
smiled on morning callers； made a figure in ball…rooms； and was
capable of that light repartee which； from such a woman； is
accepted as wit； was secure of carrying off all sympathy from a
husband who was sickly； abstracted； and； as some suspected； crack…
brained。 Even the servants in our house gave her the balance of
their regard and pity。 For there were no audible quarrels between
us； our alienation； our repulsion from each other； lay within the
silence of our own hearts； and if the mistress went out a great
deal； and seemed to dislike the master's society； was it not
natural； poor thing？ The master was odd。 I was kind and just to
my dependants； but I excited in them a shrinking； half…contemptuous
pity； for this class of men and women are but slightly determined
in their estimate of others by general considerations； or even
experience； of character。 They judge of persons as they judge of
coins； and value those who pass current at a high rate。
After a time I interfered so little with Bertha's habits that it
might seem wonderful how her hatred towards me could grow so
intense and active as it did。 But she had begun to suspect； by
some involuntary betrayal of mine； that there was an abnormal power
of penetration in methat fitfully； at least； I was strangely
cognizant of her thoughts and intentions； and she began to be
haunted by a terror of me； which alternated every now and then with
defiance。 She meditated continually how the incubus could be
shaken off her lifehow she could be freed from this hateful bond
to a being whom she at once despised as an imbecile； and dreaded as
an inquisitor。 For a long while she lived in the hope that my
evident wretchedness would drive me to the commission of suicide；
but suicide was not in my nature。 I was too completely swayed by
the sense that I was in the grasp of unknown forces； to believe in
my power of self…release。 Towards my own destiny I had become
entirely passive； for my one ardent desire had spent itself； and
impulse no longer predominated over knowledge。 For this reason I
never thought of taking any steps towards a complete separation；
which would have made our alienation evident to the world。 Why
should I rush for help to a new course； when I was only suffering
from the consequences of a deed which had been the act of my
intensest will？ That would have been the logic of one who had
desires to gratify； and I had no desires。 But Bertha and I lived
more and more aloof from each other。 The rich find it easy to live
married and apart。
That course of our life which I have indicated in a few sentences
filled the space of years。 So much miseryso slow and hideous a
growth of hatred and sin； may be compressed into a sentence！ And
men judge of each other's lives through this summary medium。 They
epitomize the experience of their fellow…mortal； and pronounce
judgment on him in neat syntax； and feel themselves wise and
virtuousconquerors over the temptations they define in well…
selected predicates。 Seven years of wretchedness glide glibly over
the lips of the man who has never counted them out in moments of
chill disappointment； of head and heart throbbings； of dread and
vain wrestling； of remorse and despair。 We learn WORDS by rote；
but not their meaning； THAT must be paid for with our life…blood；
and printed in the subtle fibres of our nerves。
But I will hasten to finish my story。 Brevity is justified at once
to those who readily understand； and to those who will never
understand。
Some years after my father's death； I was sitting by the dim
firelight in my library one January eveningsitting in the leather
chair that used to be my father'swhen Bertha appeared at the
door； with a candle in her hand； and advanced towards me。 I knew
the ball…dress she had onthe white ball…dress； with the green
jewels； shone upon by the light of the wax candle which lit up the
medallion of the dying Cleopatra on the mantelpiece。 Why