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up within her。 We kissed。 This time I didn’t find myself immobilized by a
staggering yoke of lust； both of us were stunned by the fluttering—like a flock
of sparrows—of a powerful love that had entered our hearts； chests and
stomachs。 Isn’t lovemaking the best antidote to love？
As I palmed her large breasts； Shekure pushed me away in an even more
determined and sweeter way than before。 She implied that I wasn’t a mature…
enough man to maintain a trustworthy marriage with a woman that I’d
sullied beforehand。 I was careless enough to forget that the Devil would get
involved in any hasty deeds and too inexperienced to know how much
patience and quiet suffering underlie happy marriages。 She’d escaped my arms
and was walking toward the door； her linen veil having fallen around her neck。
I caught sight of the snow falling onto the streets； which always succumbed to
the darkness first； and forgetting that we’d been whispering here； perhaps to
avoid disturbing the spirit of the Hanged Jew； I cried out：
“What are we to do now？”
“I don’t know；” she said； minding the rules of “love chess。” Walking
through the old garden； she left delicate footprints in the snow—certain to be
erased by the whiteness—and disappeared quietly。
170
I WILL BE CALLED A MURDERER
Doubtless； you too have experienced what I’m about to describe： At times；
while walking through the infinite and winding streets of Istanbul； while
spooning a bite of vegetable stew into my mouth at a public kitchen or
squinting with fixed attention on the curved design of a reed…style border
illumination； I feel I’m living the present as if it were the past。 That is； when
I’m walking down a street whitewashed with snow； I’ll have the urge to say
that I was walking down it。
The extraordinary events I will relate occurred at once in the present and in
the past。 It was evening； the twilight gave way to blackness and a very faint
snow fell as I walked down the street where Enishte Effendi lived。
Unlike other evenings； I’d e here knowing precisely what I wanted。 On
other evenings； my legs would take me here as I absentmindedly thought
about other things： how I’d told my mother I earned seven hundred silver
pieces for a single book； about the covers of Herat volumes with ungilded
ornamental rosettes dating from the time of Tamerlane； about the continued
shock of learning that others still painted under my name or about my
tomfoolery and transgressions。 This time； however； I’d e here with
forethought and intent。
The large courtyard gate—that I feared no one would open for me—opened
on its own when I went to knock； reassuring me that Allah was with me。 The
shiny stone…paved portion of the courtyard that I walked through on those
nights when I came to add new illustrations to Enishte Effendi’s magnificent
book was empty。 To the right beside the well rested the bucket； and perched on
it a sparrow apparently oblivious to the cold； a bit farther on sat the open…air
stone stove； which for some reason wasn’t lit even at this late hour； and to the
left； the stable for visitors’ horses which made up part of the house’s ground
floor。 Everything was as I expected it to be。 I entered through the unlocked
door beside the stable； and as an uninvited guest might do to avoid happening
upon an inappropriate scene； I stamped my feet and coughed as I climbed the
wooden staircase to the living quarters。
My coughing elicited no response。 Nor did the noise of stamping my
muddy shoes； which I removed and left next to those lined up at the entrance
of the wide hall which was also used as an anteroom。 As had bee my
custom whenever I visited； I searched for what I assumed to be Shekure’s
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elegant green pair among the others； but for naught； and the possibility that
no one was home crossed my mind。
I walked to the right into the room—there was one in each corner of the
second floor—where I imagined Shekure slept cuddled with her children。 I
groped for beds and mattresses； and opened a chest in the corner and a tall
armoire with a very light door。 While I thought the delicate almond scent in
the room must be the scent of Shekure’s skin； a pillow； which had been stuffed
into the cabi； fell onto my dim…witted head and then onto a copper pitcher
and cups。 You hear a noise and suddenly realize the room is dark； well； I
realized it was cold。
“Hayriye？” Enishte Effendi called from within another room； “Shekure？
Which of you is it？”
I swiftly exited the room； walking diagonally across the wide hall； and
entered the room with the blue door where I had labored with Enishte Effendi
on his book this past winter。
“It’s me； Enishte Effendi；” I said。 “Me。”
“Who might you be？”
At that instant； I understood that the workshop names Enishte Effendi had
selected had less to do with secrecy then with his subtle mockery of us。 As a
haughty scribe might write in the colophon on the last leaf of a magnificently
illustrated manuscript； I slowly pronounced the syllables of my full name；
which included my father’s name； my place of birth and the phrase “your
poor sinful servant。”
“Hah？” he said at first； then added； “Hah！”
Just like the old man who meets Death in the Assyrian fable I heard as a
child； Enishte Effendi sank into a very brief silence that lasted forever。 If there
are those among you who believe； since I’ve just now mentioned “Death；” that
I’ve e here to involve myself in such an affair； you’ve pletely
misunderstood the book you’re holding。 Would someone with such designs
knock on the gate？ Take off his shoes？ e without a knife？
“So； you’ve e；” he said； again like the old man in the fable。 But then he
assumed an entirely different tone： “Wele； my child。 Tell me then； what is
it that you want？”
It had grown quite dark by now。 Enough light entered through the narrow
beeswax…dipped cloth windowpane—which； when removed in springtime；
revealed a pomegranate and plane tree—to distinguish the outlines of objects
172
within the room； enough light to please a humble Chinese illustrator。 I could
not fully see Enishte Effendi’s face as he sat； as usual； before a low； folding
reading desk； so that the light fell to his left side。 I tried desperately to
recapture the intimacy between us when we’d painted miniatures together；
gently and quietly discussing them all night by candlelight amid these
burnishing stones； reed pens； inkwells and brushes。 I’m not sure if it was out
of this sense of alienation or out of embarrassment； but I was ashamed and
held back from openly confessing my misgivings； at that moment； I decided to
explain myself through a s