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my name is red-我的名字叫红-第52章

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in my desperation to leave; in a near frenzy; I stumbled outside onto the street。 
This was how I fell unwitting victim to the curses of the Tatar beggar。 But I 
immediately pulled myself together。 I softly dropped a small stone I’d picked 
off the ground into his handkerchief and said; “There you go; mangy Tatar。” 
Without  laughing;  I  watched  his  hand  reach  hopefully  for  the  stone  he 
thought  was  a  coin。  Ignoring  his  curses;  I  headed  toward  one  of  my 
“daughters;” whom I’d married off to a good husband。 
That sweet “daughter” of mine served me a piece of spinach pie; a leftover; 
but still crisp。 For the afternoon meal she was preparing lamb stew in a sauce 
heavy with beaten eggs and spiced with sour plum; just the way I like it。 So as 
not to disappoint her; I waited and ate two full ladles with fresh bread。 She’d 
also  made  a  nice  pote  of  stewed  grapes。  Without  any  hesitation;  I 
requested some rose…petal jam; a spoonful of which I stirred into the pote 
before topping off my meal。 Afterward; I went on to deliver the letters to my 
melancholy Shekure。 
 
 
   
149 
 
I; SHEKURE 
 
I  was  in  the  midst  of  folding  and  putting  away  the  clothes  that  had  been 
washed  and  hung  out  to  dry  yesterday  when  Hayriye  announced  Esther  had 
e…or; this was what I planned to tell you。 But why should I lie? All right 
then; when Esther arrived; I was spying on my father and Black through the 
closet peephole; impatiently waiting for the letters from Black and Hasan; and 
thus;  my  mind  was  preoccupied  with  her。  Just  as  I  sensed  that  my  father’s 
fears of death were justified; I also knew Black’s interest in me wasn’t eternal。 
He was in love insofar as he wanted to be married; and because he wanted to 
be married; he easily fell in love。 If not me; he’d love。 If not me; he’d marry 
another; taking care to fall in love with her beforehand。 
In  the  kitchen;  Hayriye  sat  Esther  in  a  corner  and  handed  her  a  glass  of 
rosewater  sherbet;  as  she  gave  me  a  guilty  look。  I  realized  that  since  Hayriye 
had  bee  my  father’s  mistress;  she  might  be  reporting  to  him  everything 
she sees。 I’m afraid that this may indeed be the case。 
“My  black…eyed  girl;  my  dark…fortuned  beauty;  my  stunning  beauty  of 
beauties; I was delayed because Nesim; my pig of a husband; kept me occupied 
with  all  sorts  of  nonsense;”  said  Esther。  “You  have  no  husband  senselessly 
haranguing you; and I hope you know the value of this。” 
She took out the letters; I snatched them from her hand。 Hayriye withdrew 
to a corner where she wouldn’t be in the way; but could still hear everything 
that  passed  between  us。  So  Esther  wouldn’t  be  able  to  see  my  expression;  I 
turned my back on her and read Black’s letter first。 When I thought about the 
house  of  the  Hanged  Jew;  I  shuddered  for  a  moment。  “Don’t  be  afraid; 
Shekure; you can manage in any situation;” I said to myself and began reading 
Hasan’s letter。 He was on the verge of madness: 
 
Shekure; I’m burning with desire; yet I know you’re not in the least concerned。 
In my dreams; I see myself chasing you over deserted hilltops。 Every time you leave 
one  of  my  letters—that  I  know  you  read—unanswered;  a  three…feathered  arrow 
pierces my heart。 I’m writing in hopes that you’ll respond this time。 The word is 
out;  everyone’s  spreading  the  news;  even  your  children  are  saying  it:  You’ve 
dreamed that your husband has died; and now you claim that you’re free。 I cannot 
say whether or not it’s true。 What I do know is that you’re still married to my 
older brother and bound to this household。 Now that my father finds me justified; 
we’re both going to the judge to have you returned here。 We’ll be ing with a 
150 
 
group  of  men  we’ve  assembled;  so  let  your  father  be  forewarned。  Collect  your 
things;  you’re  to  e  back  to  this  house。  Send  your  response  with  Esther 
immediately。 
 
After reading the letter a second time; I pulled myself together and gazed at 
Esther  with  questioning  eyes;  but  she  told  me  nothing  new  about  Hasan  or 
Black。 
I  pulled  out  the  reed  pen  that  I  kept  hidden  in  a  corner  of  the  pantry; 
placed a sheet of paper on the breadboard and was about to begin writing a 
letter to Black when I froze。 
Something  came  to  mind。  I  turned  toward  Esther:  She’d  fallen  upon  the 
rosewater sherbet with the joy of a chubby child and so it seemed ridiculous 
to me that she could be aware of what was going through my mind。 
“See how sweetly you’re smiling; my dear;” she said。 “Don’t worry; in the 
end everything will be all right。 Istanbul is rife with rich gentlemen and pashas 
who’d give their souls to be wed to a stunning beauty; possessed of so many 
talents like yourself。” 
You  understand  what  I’m  talking  about:  Sometimes  you’ll  say  something 
you’re convinced of; but no sooner do the words leave your mouth than you 
ask  yourself;  “Why  did  I  say  this  so  halfheartedly;  even  though  I  believe  it 
through and through?” That was what happened when I said the following: 
“But  Esther;  who’d  want  to  marry  a  widow  with  two  kids;  for  Heaven’s 
sake?” 
“A  widow  like  you?  Plenty;  a  slew  of  men;”  she  said;  conveying  them  all 
with a hand gesture。 
I looked into her eyes。 I was thinking I did not like her。 I fell so silent that 
she knew I wasn’t going to give her a letter and even that it would be better if 
she left。 After Esther had gone; I withdrew to my own corner of the house as 
though I could feel my silence—how should I put it—in my soul。 
Leaning on the wall; for a long while I stood still in the blackness。 I thought 
of myself; of what I should do; of the fear that was growing within me。 All the 
while I could hear Shevket and Orhan chattering upstairs。 
“And you’re as timid as a girl;” said Shevket。 “You only attack from behind。” 
“My tooth is loose;” said Orhan。 
151 
 
At the same time; another part of my mind was concentrating on what was 
transpiring between my father and Black。 
The  blue  door  of  the  workshop  was  open;  and  I  could  easily  hear  them: 
“After  beholding  the  portraits  of  the  Veian  masters;  we  realize  with 
horror;” said my father; “that; in painting; eyes can no longer simply be holes 
in a face; always the same; but must be just like our own eyes; which reflect 
light like a mirror and absorb it like a well。 Lips can no longer be a crack in the 
middle  of  faces  flat  as  paper;  but  must  be  nodes  of  expression—each  a 
different shade of red—fully expressing our joys; sorrows and spirits with their 
slightest contraction or relaxation。 Our noses can no longer be a kind of wall 
that divides our faces; but rather; living and curious instruments with a form 
unique to each of us。” 
Was  Black  as  surprised  as  I  was  that  my  father  referred  to  those  infidel 
gentlemen who had their pictures made as “we”? When I looked through the 
p
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