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not of risk。 When I yielded； I thought it was to duty； but no duty
could be called in aid here。 In marrying a man indifferent to me；
all risk would have been incurred； and all duty violated。”
“Perhaps I ought to have reasoned thus；” he replied； “but I
could not。 I could not derive benefit from the late knowledge I had
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acquired of your character。 I could not bring it into play； it was
overwhelmed； buried； lost in those earlier feelings which I had
been smarting under year after year。 I could think of you only as
one who had yielded； who had given me up； who had been
influenced by any one rather than by me。 I saw you with the very
person who had guided you in that year of misery。 I had no reason
to believe her of less authority now。—The force of habit was to be
added。”
“I should have thought；” said Anne； “that my manner to
yourself might have spared you much or all of this。”
“No； no！ your manner might be only the ease which your
engagement to another man would give。 I left you in this belief；
and yet—I was determined to see you again。 My spirits rallied with
the morning； and I felt that I had still a motive for remaining
here。”
At last Anne was at home again； and happier than any one in
that house could have conceived。 All the surprise and suspense；
and every other painful part of the morning dissipated by this
conversation； she re…entered the house so happy as to be obliged
to find an alloy in some momentary apprehensions of its being
impossible to last。 An interval of meditation； serious and grateful；
was the best corrective of everything dangerous in such high…
wrought felicity； and she went to her room； and grew steadfast and
fearless in the thankfulness of her enjoyment。
The evening came； the drawing…rooms were lighted up； the
company assembled。 It was but a card party； it was but a mixture
of those who had never met before； and those who met too often—
a commonplace business； too numerous for intimacy； too small for
variety； but Anne had never found an evening shorter。 Glowing
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and lovely in sensibility and happiness； and more generally
admired than she thought about or cared for； she had cheerful or
forbearing feelings for every creature around her。 Mr。 Elliot was
there； she avoided； but she could pity him。 The Wallises； she had
amusement in understanding them。 Lady Dalrymple and Miss
Carteret； they would soon be innoxious cousins to her。 She cared
not for Mrs。 Clay； and had nothing to blush for in the public
manners of her father and sister。 With the Musgroves； there was
the happy chat of perfect ease； with Captain Harville； the kind…
hearted intercourse of brother and sister； with Lady Russell；
attempts at conversation； which a delicious consciousness cut
short； with Admiral and Mrs。 Croft； everything of peculiar
cordiality and fervent interest； which the same consciousness
sought to conceal；—and with Captain Wentworth； some moments
of communications continually occurring； and always the hope of
more； and always the knowledge of his being there！
It was in one of these short meetings； each apparently occupied
in admiring a fine display of greenhouse plants； that she said—
“I have been thinking over the past； and trying impartially to
judge of the right and wrong； I mean with regard to myself； and I
must believe that I was right； much as I suffered from it； that I was
perfectly right in being guided by the friend whom you will love
better than you do now。 To me； she was in the place of a parent。
Do not mistake me； however。 I am not saying that she did not err
in her advice。 It was； perhaps； one of those cases in which advice is
good or bad only as the event decides； and for myself； I certainly
never should； in any circumstance of tolerable similarity； give such
advice。 But I mean； that I was right in submitting to her； and that
if I had done otherwise； I should have suffered more in continuing
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the engagement than I did even in giving it up； because I should
have suffered in my conscience。 I have now； as far as such a
sentiment is allowable in human nature； nothing to reproach
myself with； and if I mistake not； a strong sense of duty is no bad
part of a woman’s portion。”
He looked at her； looked at Lady Russell； and looking again at
her； replied； as if in cool deliberation；
“Not yet。 But there are hopes of her being forgiven in time。 I
trust to being in charity with her soon。 But I too have been
thinking over the past； and a question has suggested itself；
whether there may not have been one person more my enemy
even than that lady？ My own self。 Tell me if； when I returned to
England in the year eight； with a few thousand pounds； and was
posted into the Laconia； if I had then written to you； would you
have answered my letter？ Would you； in short； have renewed the
engagement then？”
“Would I！” was all her answer； but the accent was decisive
enough。
“Good God！” he cried； “you would！ It is not that I did not think
of it； or desire it； as what could alone crown all my other success；
but I was proud； too proud to ask again。 I did not understand you。
I shut my eyes； and would not understand you； or do you justice。
This is a recollection which ought to make me forgive every one
sooner than myself。 Six years of separation and suffering might
have been spared。 It is a sort of pain； too； which is new to me。 I
have been used to the gratification of believing myself to earn
eve