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it to be impossible； that he had not cared； could not care； for
Louisa； though till that day； till the leisure for reflection which
followed it； he had not understood the perfect excellence of the
mind with which Louisa’s could so ill bear a comparison； or the
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perfect unrivalled hold it possessed over his own。 There； he had
learnt to distinguish between the steadiness of principle and the
obstinacy of self…will； between the darings of heedlessness and the
resolution of a collected mind。 There he had seen everything to
exalt in his estimation the woman he had lost； and there begun to
deplore the pride； the folly； the madness of resentment； which had
kept him from trying to regain her when thrown in his way。
From that period his penance had become severe。 He had no
sooner been free from the horror and remorse attending the first
few days of Louisa’s accident； no sooner begun to feel himself alive
again； than he had begun to feel himself； though alive； not at
liberty。
“I found；” said he； “that I was considered by Harville an
engaged man！ That neither Harville nor his wife entertained a
doubt of our mutual attachment。 I was startled and shocked。 To a
degree； I could contradict this instantly； but； when I began to
reflect that others might have felt the same—her own family； nay；
perhaps herself； I was no longer at my own disposal。 I was hers in
honour if she wished it。 I had been unguarded。 I had not thought
seriously on this subject before。 I had not considered that my
excessive intimacy must have its danger of ill consequence in
many ways； and that I had no right to be trying whether I could
attach myself to either of the girls； at the risk of raising even an
unpleasant report； were there no other ill effects。 I had been
grossly wrong； and must abide the consequences。”
He found too late； in short； that he had entangled himself； and
that precisely as he became fully satisfied of his not caring for
Louisa at all； he must regard himself as bound to her； if her
sentiments for him were what the Harvilles supposed。 It
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determined him to leave Lyme； and await her complete recovery
elsewhere。 He would gladly weaken； by any fair means； whatever
feelings or speculations concerning him might exist； and he went；
therefore； to his brother’s； meaning after a while to return to
Kellynch； and act as circumstances might require。
“I was six weeks with Edward；” said he； “and saw him happy。 I
could have no other pleasure。 I deserved none。 He enquired after
you very particularly； asked even if you were personally altered；
little suspecting that to my eye you could never alter。”
Anne smiled； and let it pass。 It was too pleasing a blunder for a
reproach。 It is something for a woman to be assured； in her eight…
and…twentieth year； that she has not lost one charm of earlier
youth； but the value of such homage was inexpressibly increased
to Anne； by comparing it with former words； and feeling it to be
the result； not the cause of a revival of his warm attachment。
He had remained in Shropshire； lamenting the blindness of his
own pride； and the blunders of his own calculations； till at once
released from Louisa by the astonishing and felicitous intelligence
of her engagement with Benwick。
“Here；” said he； “ended the worst of my state； for now I could at
least put myself in the way of happiness； I could exert myself； I
could do something。 But to be waiting so long in inaction； and
waiting only for evil； had been dreadful。 Within the first five
minutes I said； ‘I will be at Bath on Wednesday；’ and I was。 Was it
unpardonable to think it worth my while to come？ and to arrive
with some degree of hope？ You were single。 It was possible that
you might retain the feelings of the past； as I did； and one
encouragement happened to be mine。 I could never doubt that you
would be loved and sought by others； but I knew to a certainty
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that you had refused one man； at least； of better pretensions than
myself： and I could not help often saying； Was this for me？”
Their first meeting in Milsom…street afforded much to be said；
but the concert still more。 That evening seemed to be made up of
exquisite moments。 The moment of her stepping forward in the
Octagon Room to speak to him； the moment of Mr。 Elliot’s
appearing and tearing her away； and one or two subsequent
moments； marked by returning hope or increasing despondency；
were dwelt on with energy。
“To see you；” cried he； “in the midst of those who could not be
my well…wishers； to see your cousin close by you； conversing and
smiling； and feel all the horrible eligibilities and proprieties of the
match！ To consider it as the certain wish of every being who could
hope to influence you！ Even if your own feelings were reluctant or
indifferent； to consider what powerful supports would be his！ Was
it not enough to make the fool of me which I appeared？ How could
I look on without agony？ Was not the very sight of the friend who
sat behind you； was not the recollection of what had been； the
knowledge of her influence； the indelible； immoveable impression
of what persuasion had once done—was it not all against me？”
“You should have distinguished；” replied Anne。 “You should
not have suspected me now； the case is so different； and my age is
so different。 If I was wrong in yielding to persuasion once；
remember that it was to persuasion exerted on the side of safety；
not of risk。 When I yielded； I thought it was to duty； but