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friend； and so we made a party CARRY； as the French say。 Some
naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to
ours。
WellI didn't spare the bottle； either for myself or for my
friends； and we grew very talkative； and very affectionate as the
drinking went on。 Each man told stories of his gallantry in the
field； or amongst the ladies； as officers will； after dinner。
Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his
sister； and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom。
Ensign Dobble assented to this。 〃But let Miss Clopper beware；〃
says he； 〃for Stubbs is a sad fellow： he has had I don't know how
many liaisons already； and he has been engaged to I don't know how
many women。〃
〃Indeed！〃 says Clopper。 〃Come； Stubbs； tell us your adventures。〃
〃Psha！〃 said I； modestly； 〃there is nothing； indeed； to tell。 I
have been in love； my dear boywho has not？and I have been
jiltedwho has not？〃
Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE
served me so。
〃Tell him about Miss Crutty；〃 said Dobble。 〃He！ he！ Stubbs served
THAT woman out； anyhow； she didn't jilt HIM。 I'll be sworn。〃
〃Really； Dobble； you are too bad； and should not mention names。
The fact is； the girl was desperately in love with me； and had
moneysixty thousand pounds； upon my reputation。 Well； everything
was arranged； when who should come down from London but a
relation。〃
〃Well； and did he prevent the match？〃
〃Prevent ityes； sir； I believe you he did； though not in the
sense that YOU mean。 He would have given his eyesay； and ten
thousand pounds moreif I would have accepted the girl； but I
would not。〃
〃Why； in the name of goodness？〃
〃Sir； her uncle was a SHOEMAKER。 I never would debase myself by
marrying into such a family。〃
〃Of course not；〃 said Dobble； 〃he couldn't； you know。 Well； now
tell him about the other girl； Mary Waters； you know。〃
〃Hush； Dobble； hush！ don't you see one of those naval officers has
turned round and heard you？ My dear Clopper； it was a mere
childish bagatelle。〃
〃Well； but let's have it；〃 said Clopper〃let's have it。 I won't
tell my sister； you know。〃 And he put his hand to his nose and
looked monstrous wise。
〃Nothing of that sort； Clopperno； no'pon honorlittle Bob
Stubbs is no LIBERTINE； and the story is very simple。 You see that
my father has a small place； merely a few hundred acres； at
Sloffemsquiggle。 Isn't it a funny name？ Hang it； there's the
naval gentleman staring again；〃（I looked terribly fierce as I
returned this officer's stare； and continued in a loud careless
voice）。 Well； at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived a girl； a Miss
Waters； the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the neighborhood；
but my mother took a fancy to the girl； and had her up to the park
and petted her。 We were both youngandandthe girl fell in love
with me； that's the fact。 I was obliged to repel some rather warm
advances that she made me； and here； upon my honor as a gentleman；
you have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a
noise。
Just as I finished this sentence。 I found myself suddenly taken by
the nose； and a voice shouting out；
〃Mr。 Stubbs； you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL！ Take this； sir；and
this； for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady。〃
I turned round as well as I couldfor the ruffian had pulled me
out of my chairand beheld a great marine monster； six feet high；
who was occupied in beating and kicking me； in the most
ungentlemanly manner； on my cheeks； my ribs； and between the tails
of my coat。 〃He is a liar； gentlemen； and a scoundrel！ The
bootmaker had detected him in swindling； and so his niece refused
him。 Miss Waters was engaged to him from childhood； and he
deserted her for the bootmaker's niece； who was richer。〃And then
sticking a card between my stock and my coat…collar； in what is
called the scruff of my neck； the disgusting brute gave me another
blow behind my back； and left the coffee…room with his friends。
Dobble raised me up； and taking the card from my neck； read；
CAPTAIN WATERS。 Clopper poured me out a glass of water； and said
in my ear； 〃If this is true； you are an infernal scoundrel； Stubbs；
and must fight me； after Captain Waters；〃 and he flounced out of
the room。
I had but one course to pursue。 I sent the Captain a short and
contemptuous note； saying that he was beneath my anger。 As for
Clopper； I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to
get rid of the troublesome society of these low blackguards； I
determined to gratify an inclination I had long entertained； and
make a little tour。 I applied for leave of absence； and set off
THAT VERY NIGHT。 I can fancy the disappointment of the brutal
Waters； on coming； as he did； the next morning to my quarters and
finding me GONE。 Ha！ ha！
After this adventure I became sick of a military lifeat least the
life of my own regiment； where the officers； such was their
unaccountable meanness and prejudice against me； absolutely refused
to see me at mess。 Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect；
which I treated as it deserved。I never once alluded to it in any
way； and have since never spoken a single word to any man in the
North Bungays。
AUGUST。DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS。
See； now； what life is！ I have had ill…luck on ill…luck from that
day to this。 I have sunk in the world； and； instead of riding my
horse and drinking my wine； as a real gentleman should； have hardly
enough now to buy a pint of ale； ay； and am very glad when anybody
will treat me to one。 Why； why was I born to undergo such
unmerited misfortunes？
You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty；
and that cowardly ruffian； Captain Waters （he sailed the day after
his insult to me； or I should most certainly have blown his brains
out； NOW he is living in England； and is my relation； but； of
course； I cut the fellow）very soon after these painful events
another happened； which ended； too； in a sad disappointment。 My
dear papa died； and； instead of leaving five thousand pounds； as I
expected at the very least； left only his estate； which was worth
but two。 The land and house were left to me； to mamma and my
sisters he left； to be sure； a sum of two thousand pounds in the
hands of that eminent firm Messrs。 Pump； Aldgate and Co。； which
failed within six months after his demise； and paid in five years
about one shilling and ninepence in the pound； which really was all
my dear mother and sisters had to live upon。
The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters； and； would
you believe it？ when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure；
mamma only smiled； and threw her eyes up to heaven； and said；
〃Blessed be God； that we have still wherewithal to live。 There are
tens of thousands in this world； dear children； who would count our
poverty riches。〃 An