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ladle tremble in the bowl）〃p'raps you did not know as dat yong
man； dat Stobbs； dat sneaking； baltry； squinting fellow； is as
vicked as he is ogly。 He bot a pair of boots from me and never
paid for dem。 Dat is noting； nobody never pays； but he bought a
pair of boots； and called himself Lord Cornvallis。 And I was fool
enough to believe him vonce。 But look you； niece Magdalen； I 'ave
got five tousand pounds： if you marry him I vill not give you a
benny。 But look you what I will gif you： I bromised you a bresent；
and I will give you DESE！〃
And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had
made him take back。
。 。 。 。 。 。
I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty： I am not sorry for it though。 She was
a nasty； ugly； ill…tempered wretch； and I've always said so ever
since。
And all this arose from those infernal boots； and that unlucky
paragraph in the county paperI'll tell you how。
In the first place； it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked；
profligate； unprincipled organs of the London press； who chose to
be very facetious about the 〃Marriage in High Life；〃 and made all
sorts of jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty。
Secondly； it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy；
Bunting； who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance
by my adventure with him； and had his shoes made regularly by that
foreign upstart。
Thirdly； he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this
particular period； and as he was measured by the disgusting old
High…Dutch cobbler； he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to
be married。
〃And to whom？〃 said old Stiffelkind。 〃To a voman wit geld； I vill
take my oath。〃
〃Yes；〃 says Bunting； 〃a country girla Miss Magdalen Carotty or
Crotty； at a place called Sloffemsquiggle。〃
〃SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL！〃 bursts out the dreadful bootmaker。 〃Mein
Gott； mein Gott！ das geht nicht！ I tell you； sare； it is no go。
Miss Crotty is my niece。 I vill go down myself。 I vill never let
her marry dat goot…for…nothing schwindler and tief。〃 SUCH was the
language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me！
JUNE。MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS。
Was there ever such confounded ill…luck？ My whole life has been a
tissue of ill…luck： although I have labored perhaps harder than any
man to make a fortune； something always tumbled it down。 In love
and in war I was not like others。 In my marriages； I had an eye to
the main chance； and you see how some unlucky blow would come and
throw them over。 In the army I was just as prudent； and just as
unfortunate。 What with judicious betting； and horse…swapping；
good…luck at billiards； and economy； I do believe I put by my pay
every year；and that is what few can say who have but an allowance
of a hundred a year。
I'll tell you how it was。 I used to be very kind to the young men；
I chose their horses for them； and their wine： and showed them how
to play billiards； or ecarte； of long mornings； when there was
nothing better to do。 I didn't cheat： I'd rather die than cheat；
but if fellows WILL play； I wasn't the man to say nowhy should I？
There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I
cleared 300L。 a year。
His name was Dobble。 He was a tailor's son； and wanted to be a
gentleman。 A poor weak young creature； easy to be made tipsy； easy
to be cheated； and easy to be frightened。 It was a blessing for
him that I found him； for if anybody else had； they would have
plucked him of every shilling。
Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends。 I rode his horses for him；
and chose his champagne； and did everything； in fact； that a
superior mind does for an inferior；when the inferior has got the
money。 We were inseparables；hunting everywhere in couples。 We
even managed to fall in love with two sisters； as young soldiers
will do； you know； for the dogs fall in love； with every change of
quarters。
Well； once； in the year 1793 （it was just when the French had
chopped poor Louis's head off）； Dobble and I； gay young chaps as
ever wore sword by side； had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by
the name of Brisket； daughters of a butcher in the town where we
were quartered。 The dear girls fell in love with us； of course。
And many a pleasant walk in the country； many a treat to a tea…
garden； many a smart ribbon and brooch used Dobble and I （for his
father allowed him 600L。； and our purses were in common） present to
these young ladies。 One day； fancy our pleasure at receiving a
note couched thus：
〃DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLEMiss Briskets presents their
compliments； and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve
at the corprayshun dinner； we request the pleasure of their company
to tea。〃
Didn't we go！ Punctually at six we were in the little back…parlor；
we quaffed more Bohea； and made more love； than half a dozen
ordinary men could。 At nine； a little punch…bowl succeeded to the
little teapot； and； bless the girls！ a nice fresh steak was
frizzling on the gridiron for our supper。 Butchers were butchers
then； and their parlor was their kitchen too； at least old
Brisket's wasone door leading into the shop； and one into the
yard； on the other side of which was the slaughter…house。
Fancy； then； our horror when； just at this critical time； we heard
the shop…door open； a heavy staggering step on the flags； and a
loud husky voice from the shop； shouting； 〃Hallo； Susan； hallo；
Betsy！ show a light！〃 Dobble turned as white as a sheet； the two
girls each as red as a lobster； I alone preserved my presence of
mind。 〃The back…door；〃 says I〃The dog's in the court；〃 say they。
〃He's not so bad as the man；〃 said I。 〃Stop！〃 cries Susan；
flinging open the door； and rushing to the fire。 〃Take THIS and
perhaps it will quiet him。〃
What do you think 〃THIS〃 was？ I'm blest if it was not the STEAK！
She pushed us out； patted and hushed the dog； and was in again in a
minute。 The moon was shining on the court； and on the slaughter…
house； where there hung the white ghastly…looking carcasses of a
couple of sheep； a great gutter ran down the courta gutter of
BLOOD！ The dog was devouring his beefsteak （OUR beefsteak） in
silence； and we could see through the little window the girls
hustling about to pack up the supper…things； and presently the
shop…door being opened； old Brisket entering； staggering； angry；
and drunk。 What's more； we could see； perched on a high stool； and
nodding politely； as if to salute old Brisket； the FEATHER OF
DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT！ When Dobble saw it； he turned white； and
deadly sick； and the poor fellow； in an agony of fright； sunk
shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting…blocks； which was
in the yard。
We saw old Brisket look steadily （as steadily as he could） at the
confounded； impudent； pert； waggling feather； and then an idea
began to dawn upon his mind； that there w