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I turned round。 O heaven； there stood Mary； weeping on Doctor
Bates's arm； while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with
the utmost scorn。 The gardener； who had let me in； had told them
of my arrival； and now stood grinning behind them。 〃Imperence！〃
was my Magdalen's only exclamation； as she flounced by with the
utmost self…possession； while I； glancing daggers at the SPIES；
followed her。 We retired to the parlor； where she repeated to me
the strongest assurances of her love。
I thought I was a made man。 Alas！ I was only an APRIL FOOL！
MAY。RESTORATION DAY。
As the month of May is considered； by poets and other philosophers；
to be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love…making； I may
as well take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the
result of MY amours。
Young； gay； fascinating； and an ensignI had completely won the
heart of my Magdalen； and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle
the Doctor； there was a complete split between us； as you may
fancy； Miss pretending； forsooth； that she was glad I had broken
off the match； though she would have given her eyes； the little
minx； to have had it on again。 But this was out of the question。
My father； who had all sorts of queer notions； said I had acted
like a rascal in the business； my mother took my part； in course；
and declared I acted rightly； as I always did： and I got leave of
absence from the regiment in order to press my beloved Magdalen to
marry me out of handknowing； from reading and experience； the
extraordinary mutability of human affairs。
Besides； as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself；
and as bad in health as she was in temper； how was I to know that
the grim king of terrors might not carry her off before she became
mine？ With the tenderest warmth； then； and most delicate ardor； I
continued to press my suit。 The happy day was fixedthe ever
memorable 10th of May； 1792。 The wedding…clothes were ordered；
and； to make things secure； I penned a little paragraph for the
county paper to this effect：〃Marriage in High Life。 We
understand that Ensign Stubbs； of the North Bungay Fencibles； and
son of Thomas Stubbs； of Sloffemsquiggle； Esquire； is about to lead
to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of
Solomon Crutty； Esquire； of the same place。 A fortune of twenty
thousand pounds is； we hear； the lady's portion。 'None but the
brave deserve the fair。'〃
。 。 。 。 。 。
〃Have you informed your relatives； my beloved？〃 said I to Magdalen；
one day after sending the above notice； 〃will any of them attend at
your marriage？〃
〃Uncle Sam will； I dare say；〃 said Miss Crutty； 〃dear mamma's
brother。〃
〃And who WAS your dear mamma？〃 said I： for Miss Crutty's respected
parent had been long since dead； and I never heard her name
mentioned in the family。
Magdalen blushed； and cast down her eyes to the ground。 〃Mamma was
a foreigner；〃 at last she said。
〃And of what country？〃
〃A German。 Papa married her when she was very young：she was not
of a very good family；〃 said Miss Crutty； hesitating。
〃And what care I for family； my love！〃 said I； tenderly kissing the
knuckles of the hand which I held。 〃She must have been an angel
who gave birth to you。〃
〃She was a shoemaker's daughter。〃
〃A GERMAN SHOEMAKER！ Hang 'em；〃 thought I； 〃I have had enough of
them；〃 and so broke up this conversation； which did not somehow
please me。
。 。 。 。 。 。
Well； the day was drawing near： the clothes were ordered； the banns
were read。 My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a
washing…tub； and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in
possession of twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents； as they
were in those days； heaven bless 'em！ Little did I know the storm
that was brewing； and the disappointment which was to fall upon a
young man who really did his best to get a fortune。
。 。 。 。 。 。
〃Oh； Robert；〃 said my Magdalen to me； two days before the match was
to come off； 〃I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London。
I wrote to him as you wished。 He says that he is coming down to…
morrow； that he has heard of you often； and knows your character
very well； and that he has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us！
What can it be； I wonder？〃
〃Is he rich； my soul's adored？〃 says I。
〃He is a bachelor； with a fine trade； and nobody to leave his money
to。〃
〃His present can't be less than a thousand pounds？〃 says I。
〃Or； perhaps； a silver tea…set； and some corner…dishes；〃 says she。
But we could not agree to this： it was too littletoo mean for a
man of her uncle's wealth； and we both determined it must be the
thousand pounds。
〃Dear good uncle！ he's to be here by the coach；〃 says Magdalen。
〃Let us ask a little party to meet him。〃 And so we did； and so
they came： my father and mother； old Crutty in his best wig； and
the parson who was to marry us the next day。 The coach was to come
in at six。 And there was the tea…table； and there was the punch…
bowl； and everybody ready and smiling to receive our dear uncle
from London。
Six o'clock came； and the coach； and the man from the 〃Green
Dragon〃 with a portmanteau； and a fat old gentleman walking behind；
of whom I just caught a glimpsea venerable old gentleman： I
thought I'd seen him before。
。 。 。 。 。 。
Then there was a ring at the bell； then a scuffling and bumping in
the passage： then old Crutty rushed out； and a great laughing and
talking； and 〃HOW ARE YOU？〃 and so on； was heard at the door； and
then the parlor…door was flung open； and Crutty cried out with a
loud voice
〃Good people all！ my brother…in…law； Mr。 STIFFELKIND！〃
MR。 STIFFELKIND！I trembled as I heard the name！
Miss Crutty kissed him； mamma made him a curtsy； and papa made him
a bow； and Dr。 Snorter； the parson； seized his hand and shook it
most warmly： then came my turn！
〃Vat！〃 says he。 〃It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor
Schvis'hentail's！ is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder〃
（mamma smiled and made a curtsy）； 〃and dis his fader？ Sare and
madam； you should be broud of soch a sonn。 And you my niece； if
you have him for a husband you vill be locky； dat is all。 Vat dink
you； broder Croty； and Madame Stobbs； I 'ave made your sonn's
boots！ Haha！〃
My mamma laughed； and said； 〃I did not know it； but I am sure； sir；
he has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county。〃
Old Stiffelkind roared louder。 〃A very nice leg； ma'am； and a very
SHEAP BOOT TOO。 Vat！ did you not know I make his boots？ Perhaps
you did not know something else toop'raps you did not know〃 （and
here the monster clapped his hand on the table and made the punch…
ladle tremble in the bowl）〃p'raps you