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produced； sure enough； the most elegant things I ever saw。 〃Day
were made；〃 said he； 〃for de Honorable Mr。 Stiffney； of de Gards；
but were too small。〃
〃Ah； indeed！〃 said I。 〃Stiffney is a relation of mine。 And what；
you scoundrel； will you have the impudence to ask for these
things？〃 He replied； 〃Three pounds。〃
〃Well；〃 said I； 〃they are confoundedly dear； but； as you will have
a long time to wait for your money； why； I shall have my revenge
you see。 The man looked alarmed； and began a speech： 〃Sare；I
cannot let dem go vidout〃but a bright thought struck me； and I
interrupted〃Sir！ don't sir me。 Take off the boots； fellow； and；
hark ye； when you speak to a nobleman； don't saySir。〃
〃A hundert tousand pardons； my lort；〃 says he： 〃if I had known you
were a lort； I vood never have called youSir。 Vat name shall I
put down in my books？〃
〃Name？oh！ why； Lord Cornwallis； to be sure；〃 said I； as I walked
off in the boots。
〃And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes？〃
〃Keep them until I send for them；〃 said I。 And； giving him a
patronizing bow； I walked out of the shop； as the German tied up my
shoes in paper。
。 。 。 。 。 。
This story I would not have told； but that my whole life turned
upon these accursed boots。 I walked back to school as proud as a
peacock； and easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the
manner in which I came by my new ornaments。
Well； one fatal Monday morningthe blackest of all black…Mondays
that ever I knewas we were all of us playing between school…
hours； I saw a posse of boys round a stranger； who seemed to be
looking out for one of us。 A sudden trembling seized meI knew it
was Stiffelkind。 What had brought him here？ He talked loud； and
seemed angry。 So I rushed into the school…room； and burying my
head between my hands； began reading for dear life。
〃I vant Lort Cornvallis；〃 said the horrid bootmaker。 〃His lortship
belongs； I know； to dis honorable school； for I saw him vid de boys
at chorch yesterday。〃
〃Lord who？〃
〃Vy； Lort Cornvallis to be surea very fat yong nobeman； vid red
hair： he squints a little； and svears dreadfully。〃
〃There's no Lord Cornvallis here；〃 said one； and there was a pause。
〃Stop！ I have it；〃 says that odious Bunting。 〃IT MUST BE STUBBS！〃
And 〃Stubbs！ Stubbs！〃 every one cried out； while I was so busy at
my book as not to hear a word。
At last； two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom； and
seizing each an arm； run me into the playgroundbolt up against
the shoemaker。
〃Dis is my man。 I beg your lortship's pardon；〃 says he； 〃I have
brought your lortship's shoes； vich you left。 See； dey have been
in dis parcel ever since you vent avay in my boots。〃
〃Shoes； fellow！〃 says I。 〃I never saw your face before！〃 For I
knew there was nothing for it but brazening it out。 〃Upon the
honor of a gentleman！〃 said I； turning round to the boys。 They
hesitated； and if the trick had turned in my favor； fifty of them
would have seized hold of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly。
〃Stop！〃 says Bunting （hang him！） 〃Let's see the shoes。 If they
fit him； why then the cobbler's right。〃 They did fit me； and not
only that； but the name of STUBBS was written in them at full
length。
〃Vat！〃 said Stiffelkind。 〃Is he not a lort？ So help me Himmel； I
never did vonce tink of looking at de shoes； which have been lying
ever since in dis piece of brown paper。〃 And then； gathering anger
as he went on； he thundered out so much of his abuse of me； in his
German…English； that the boys roared with laughter。 Swishtail came
in in the midst of the disturbance； and asked what the noise meant。
〃It's only Lord Cornwallis； sir；〃 said the boys； 〃battling with his
shoemaker about the price of a pair of top…boots。〃
〃Oh； sir；〃 said I； 〃it was only in fun that I called myself Lord
Cornwallis。〃
〃In fun！Where are the boots？ And you； sir； give me your bill。〃
My beautiful boots were brought； and Stiffelkind produced his bill。
〃Lord Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind； for a pair of bootsfour
guineas。〃
〃You have been fool enough； sir；〃 says the Doctor； looking very
stern； 〃to let this boy impose on you as a lord； and knave enough
to charge him double the value of the article you sold him。 Take
back the boots； sir！ I won't pay a penny of your bill； nor can you
get a penny。 As for you； sir； you miserable swindler and cheat； I
shall not flog you as I did before； but I shall send you home： you
are not fit to be the companion of honest boys。〃
〃SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes？〃 piped out a very small voice。
The Doctor grinned significantly； and left the school…room； and the
boys knew by this they might have their will。 They seized me and
carried me to the playground pump： they pumped upon me until I was
half dead； and the monster； Stiffelkind； stood looking on for the
half…hour the operation lasted。
I suppose the Doctor； at last； thought I had had pumping enough；
for he rang the school…bell； and the boys were obliged to leave me。
As I got out of the trough； Stiffelkind was alone with me。 〃Vell；
my lort；〃 says he； 〃you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots； but not
all。 By Jubider； YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM。〃 And I
didn't。
APRIL。FOOLING。
After this； as you may fancy； I left this disgusting establishment；
and lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home。 My
education was finished； at least mamma and I agreed that it was；
and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood （which I take to be about the
sixteenth year of the life of a young man； and may be likened to
the month of April when spring begins to bloom）from fourteen
until seventeen； I say； I remained at home； doing nothingfor
which I have ever since had a great tastethe idol of my mamma；
who took part in all my quarrels with father； and used regularly to
rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket…money。 Poor
soul！ many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way；
and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure。
Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant； or put
to some profession； but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a
gentleman and not a tradesman； and the army was the only place for
me。 Everybody was a soldier in those times； for the French war had
just begun； and the whole country was swarming with militia
regiments。 〃We'll get him a commission in a marching regiment；〃
said my father。 〃As we have no money to purchase him up； he'll
FIGHT his way； I make no doubt。〃 And papa looked at me with a kind
of air of contempt； as much as to say he doubted whether I should
be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself。
I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so
coolly of my going out to fight！ 〃What！ send him abroad； across
the horrid； horrid seato be wrecked and perhaps drowned； and