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The Fatal Boots
by William Makepeace Thackeray
January。The Birth of the Year
February。Cutting Weather
March。Showery
April。Fooling
May。Restoration Day
June。Marrowbones and Cleavers
July。Summary Proceedings
August。Dogs have their Days
September。Plucking a Goose
October。Mars and Venus in Opposition
November。A General Post Delivery
December。〃The Winter of Our Discontent〃
THE FATAL BOOTS
JANUARY。THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR。
Some poet has observed； that if any man would write down what has
really happened to him in this mortal life； he would be sure to
make a good book； though he never had met with a single adventure
from his birth to his burial。 How much more； then； must I； who
HAVE had adventures； most singular； pathetic； and unparalleled； be
able to compile an instructive and entertaining volume for the use
of the public。
I don't mean to say that I have killed lions； or seen the wonders
of travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia； or that I have been
a very fashionable character； living with dukes and peeresses； and
writing my recollections of them； as the way now is。 I never left
this my native isle； nor spoke to a lord （except an Irish one； who
had rooms in our house； and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and
extras）； but； as our immortal bard observes； I have in the course
of my existence been so eaten up by the slugs and harrows of
outrageous fortune； and have been the object of such continual and
extraordinary ill…luck； that I believe it would melt the heart of a
milestone to read of itthat is； if a milestone had a heart of
anything but stone。
Twelve of my adventures； suitable for meditation and perusal during
the twelve months of the year； have been arranged by me for this
work。 They contain a part of the history of a great； and；
confidently I may say； a GOOD man。 I was not a spendthrift like
other men。 I never wronged any man of a shilling； though I am as
sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in Europe。 I never injured a
fellow…creature； on the contrary； on several occasions； when
injured myself； have shown the most wonderful forbearance。 I come
of a tolerably good family； and yet； born to wealthof an
inoffensive disposition； careful of the money that I had； and eager
to get more；I have been going down hill ever since my journey of
life began； and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes
such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob
Stubbs。
Bob Stubbs is my name； and I haven't got a shilling： I have borne
the commission of lieutenant in the service of King George； and am
NOWbut never mind what I am now； for the public will know in a
few pages more。 My father was of the Suffolk Stubbsesa well…to…
do gentleman of Bungay。 My grandfather had been a respected
attorney in that town； and left my papa a pretty little fortune。 I
was thus the inheritor of competence； and ought to be at this
moment a gentleman。
My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my
birth； when my papa； a young fellow pretending to study the law in
London； fell madly in love with Miss Smith； the daughter of a
tradesman； who did not give her a sixpence； and afterwards became
bankrupt。 My papa married this Miss Smith； and carried her off to
the country； where I was born； in an evil hour for me。
Were I to attempt to describe my early years； you would laugh at me
as an impostor； but the following letter from mamma to a friend；
after her marriage； will pretty well show you what a poor foolish
creature she was； and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my
other unfortunate parent：
〃TO MISS ElIZA KICKS； IN GRACECHURCH STREET； LONDON。
〃OH； ELIZA！ your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven！ My
Thomas is an angel！ not a tall grenadier…like looking fellow； such
as I always vowed I would marry：on the contrary； he is what the
world would call dumpy； and I hesitate not to confess； that his
eyes have a cast in them。 But what then？ when one of his eyes is
fixed on me； and one on my babe； they are lighted up with an
affection which my pen cannot describe； and which； certainly； was
never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon your happy Susan
Stubbs。
〃When he comes home from shooting； or the farm； if you COULD see
dear Thomas with me and our dear little Bob！ as I sit on one knee；
and baby on the other； and as he dances us both about。 I often
wish that we had Sir Joshua； or some great painter； to depict the
group； for sure it is the prettiest picture in the whole world； to
see three such loving merry people。
〃Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY
BE；the very IMAGE of papa； he is cutting his teeth； and the
delight of EVERYBODY。 Nurse says that； when he is older he will
get rid of his squint； and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red。
Doctor Bates is as kind； and skilful； and attentive as we could
desire。 Think what a blessing to have had him！ Ever since poor
baby's birth； it has never had a day of quiet； and he has been
obliged to give it from three to four doses every week；how
thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is as well as it is！
It got through the measles wonderfully； then it had a little rash；
and then a nasty hooping…cough； and then a fever； and continual
pains in its poor little stomach； crying； poor dear child； from
morning till night。
〃But dear Tom is an excellent nurse； and many and many a night has
he had no sleep； dear man！ in consequence of the poor little baby。
He walks up and down with it FOR HOURS； singing a kind of song
（dear fellow； he has no more voice than a tea…kettle）； and bobbing
his head backwards and forwards； and looking； in his nightcap and
dressing…gown； SO DROLL。 Oh； Eliza！ how you would laugh to see
him。
〃We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD；an Irishwoman；
who is as fond of baby almost as his mother （but that can NEVER
BE）。 She takes it to walk in the park for hours together； and I
really don't know why Thomas dislikes her。 He says she is tipsy；
very often； and slovenly； which I cannot conceive；to be sure； the
nurse is sadly dirty； and sometimes smells very strong of gin。
〃But what of that？these little drawbacks only make home more
pleasant。 When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids： how
many poor dear children have no doctors： ought we not to be
thankful for Mary Malowney； and that Dr。 Bates's bill is forty…
seven pounds？ How ill must dear baby have been； to require so much
physic！
〃But they are a sad expense； these dear babies； after all。 Fancy；
Eliza； how much this Mary Malowney costs us。 Ten shillings every
week； a glass of brandy or gin at dinner； three pint…bottles of Mr。
Thrale's best porter every day；making twenty…one in a week； and
nine hundred and ninety in the eleven months she has been with us。
Then； for bab