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the sorrows of young werther-第23章

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re me; and her wondrous prospects are ineffectual to extract one tear of joy from my withered heart; I feel that in such a moment I stand like a reprobate before heaven; hardened; insensible; and unmoved。  Oftentimes do I then bend my knee to the earth; and implore God for the blessing of tears; as the desponding labourer in some scorching climate prays for the dews of heaven to moisten his parched corn。    But I feel that God does not grant sunshine or rain to our importunate entreaties。  And oh; those bygone days; whose memory now torments me! why were they so fortunate?  Because I then waited with patience for the blessings of the Eternal; and received his gifts with the grateful feelings of a thankful heart。

NOVEMBER 8。

Charlotte has reproved me for my excesses; with so much tenderness and goodness!  I have lately been in the habit of drinking more wine than heretofore。  〃Don't do it;〃 she said。  〃Think of Charlotte!〃 〃Think of you!〃 I answered; 〃need you bid me do so?  Think of you  I do not think of you: you are ever before my soul!  This very morning I sat on the spot where; a few days ago; you descended from the carriage; and〃  She immediately changed the subject to prevent me from pursuing it farther。  My dear friend; my energies are all prostrated: she can do with me what she pleases。

NOVEMBER 15。

I thank you; Wilhelm; for your cordial sympathy; for your excellent advice; and I implore you to be quiet。  Leave me to my sufferings。 In spite of my wretchedness; I have still strength enough for endurance。  I revere religion  you know I do。  I feel that it can impart strength to the feeble and comfort to the afflicted; but does it affect all men equally?  Consider this vast universe: you will see thousands for whom it has never existed; thousands for whom it will never exist; whether it be preached to them; or not; and must it; then; necessarily exist for me?  Does not the Son of God himself say that they are his whom the Father has given to him?  Have I been given to him?  What if the Father will retain me for himself; as my heart sometimes suggests?  I pray you; do not misinterpret this。  Do not extract derision from my harmless words。  I pour out my whole soul before you。  Silence were otherwise preferable to me; but I need not shrink from a subject of which few know more than I do myself。  What is the destiny of man; but to fill up the measure of his sufferings; and to drink his allotted cup of bitterness?  And if that same cup proved bitter to the God of heaven; under a human form; why should I affect a foolish pride; and call it sweet?  Why should I be ashamed of shrinking at that fearful moment; when my whole being will tremble between existence and annihilation; when a remembrance of the past; like a flash of lightning; will illuminate the dark gulf of futurity; when everything shall dissolve around me; and the whole world vanish away?  Is not this the voice of a creature oppressed beyond all resource; self…deficient; about to plunge into inevitable destruction; and groaning deeply at its inadequate strength; 〃My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me?〃  And should I feel ashamed to utter the same expression?  Should I not shudder at a prospect which had its fears; even for him who folds up the heavens like a garment?

NOVEMBER 21。

She does not feel; she does not know; that she is preparing a poison which will destroy us both; and I drink deeply of the draught which is to prove my destruction。  What mean those looks of kindness with which she often  often? no; not often; but sometimes; regards me; that complacency with which she hears the involuntary sentiments which frequently escape me; and the tender pity for my sufferings which appears in her countenance?

Yesterday; when I took leave she seized me by the hand; and said; 〃Adieu; dear Werther。〃  Dear Werther!  It was the first time she ever called me dear: the sound sunk deep into my heart。  I have repeated it a hundred times; and last night; on going to bed; and talking to myself of various things; I suddenly said; 〃Good night; dear Werther!〃 and then could not but laugh at myself。

NOVEMBER 22

I cannot pray; 〃Leave her to me !〃 and yet she often seems to belong to me。  I cannot pray; 〃Give her to me!〃 for she is another's。  In this way I affect mirth over my troubles; and; if I had time; I could compose a whole litany of antitheses。

NOVEMBER 24。

She is sensible of my sufferings。  This morning her look pierced my very soul。  I found her alone; and she was silent: she steadfastly surveyed me。  I no longer saw in her face the charms of beauty or the fire of genius: these had disappeared。  But I was affected by an expression much more touching; a look of the deepest sympathy and of the softest pity。  Why was I afraid to throw myself at her feet?  Why did I not dare to take her in my arms; and answer her by a thousand kisses?  She had recourse to her piano for relief; and in a low and sweet voice accompanied the music with delicious sounds。  Her lips never appeared so lovely: they seemed but just to open; that they might imbibe the sweet tones which issued from the instrument; and return the heavenly vibration from her lovely mouth。  Oh! who can express my sensations?  I was quite overcome; and; bending down; pronounced this vow: 〃Beautiful lips; which the angels guard; never will I seek to profane your purity with a kiss。〃 And yet; my friend; oh; I wish  but my heart is darkened by doubt and indecision  could I but taste felicity; and then die to expiate the sin!  What sin?

NOVEMBER 26。

Oftentimes I say to myself; 〃Thou alone art wretched: all other mortals are happy; none are distressed like thee!〃  Then I read a passage in an ancient poet; and I seem to understand my own heart。  I have so much to endure!  Have men before me ever been so wretched?

NOVEMBER 30。

I shall never be myself again!  Wherever I go; some fatality occurs to distract me。  Even to…day alas  for our destiny! alas for human nature!

About dinner…time I went to walk by the river…side; for I had no appetite。  Everything around seemed gloomy: a cold and damp easterly wind blew from the mountains; and black; heavy clouds spread over the plain。  I observed at a distance a man in a tattered coat: he was wandering among the rocks; and seemed to be looking for plants。 When I approached; he turned round at the noise; and I saw that he had an interesting countenance in which a settled melancholy; strongly marked by benevolence; formed the principal feature。 His long black hair was divided; and flowed over his shoulders。 As his garb betokened a person of the lower order; I thought he would not take it ill if I inquired about his business; and I therefore asked what he was seeking。  He replied; with a deep sigh; that he was looking for flowers; and could find none。  〃But it is not the season;〃 I observed; with a smile。  〃Oh; there are so many flowers!〃 he answered; as he came nearer to me。  〃In my garden there are roses and honeysuckles of two sorts: one sort was given to me by my father! they grow as plentifully as weeds; I have been looking for them these two days; and cannot find them。  There are flowers out there; yellow; blue; and red; and that centaury has a v
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