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ht sobut I wait for your reply。 After all; what is there in her but a pretty figure; and that you can't get a word out of her? Hers is the Fabian method of making love and conquests。 What do you suppose she said the night before I left her?
〃H。 Could you not come and live with me as a friend?
〃S。 I don't know: and yet it would be of no use if I did; you would always be hankering after what could never be!〃
I asked her if she would do so at oncethe very next day? And what do you guess was her answer〃Do you think it would be prudent?〃 As I didn't proceed to extremities on the spot; she began to look grave; and declare off。 〃Would she live with me in her own houseto be with me all day as dear friends; if nothing more; to sit and read and talk with me?〃〃She would make no promises; but I should find her the same。〃〃Would she go to the play with me sometimes; and let it be understood that I was paying my addresses to her?〃〃She could not; as a habither father was rather strict; and would object。〃Now what am I to think of all this? Am I mad or a fool? Answer me to that; Master Brook! You are a philosopher。
LETTER III
Dear Friend; I ought to have written to you before; but since I received your letter; I have been in a sort of purgatory; and what is worse; I see no prospect of getting out of it。 I would put an end to my torments at once; but I am as great a coward as I have been a dupe。 Do you know I have not had a word of answer from her since! What can be the reason? Is she offended at my letting you know she wrote to me; or is it some new affair? I wrote to her in the tenderest; most respectful manner; poured my soul at her feet; and this is the return she makes me! Can you account for it; except on the admission of my worst doubts concerning her? Oh God! can I bear after all to think of her so; or that I am scorned and made a sport of by the creature to whom I had given my whole heart? Thus has it been with me all my life; and so will it be to the end of it!If you should learn anything; good or bad; tell me; I conjure you: I can bear anything but this cruel suspense。 If I knew she was a mere abandoned creature; I should try to forget her; but till I do know this; nothing can tear me from her; I have drank in poison from her lips too longalas! mine do not poison again。 I sit and indulge my grief by the hour together; my weakness grows upon me; and I have no hope left; unless I could lose my senses quite。 Do you know I think I should like this? To forget; ah! to forgetthere would be something in thatto change to an idiot for some few years; and then to wake up a poor wretched old man; to recollect my misery as past; and die! Yet; oh! with her; only a little while ago; I had different hopes; forfeited for nothing that I know of! * * * * * * If you can give me any consolation on the subject of my tormentor; pray do。 The pain I suffer wears me out daily。 I write this on the supposition that Mrs。 … may still come here; and that I may be detained some weeks longer。 Direct to me at the Post…office; and if I return to town directly as I fear; I will leave word for them to forward the letter to me in Londonnot at my old lodgings。 I will not go back there: yet how can I breathe away from her? Her hatred of me must be great; since my love of her could not overcome it! I have finished the book of my conversations with her; which I told you of: if I am not mistaken; you will think it very nice reading。
Yours ever。
Have you read Sardanapalus? How like the little Greek slave; Myrrha; is to HER!
LETTER IV
(Written in the Winter)
My good Friend; I received your letter this morning; and I kiss the rod not only with submission; but gratitude。 Your reproofs of me and your defences of her are the only things that save my soul from perdition。 She is my heart's idol; and believe me those words of yours applied to the dear saint〃To lip a chaste one and suppose her wanton〃were balm and rapture to me。 I have LIPPED HER; God knows how often; and oh! is it even possible that she is chaste; and that she has bestowed her loved 〃endearments〃 on me (her own sweet word) out of true regard? That thought; out of the lowest depths of despair; would at any time make me strike my forehead against the stars。 Could I but think the love 〃honest;〃 I am proof against all hazards。 She by her silence makes my dark hour; and you by your encouragements dissipate it for twenty…four hours。 Another thing has brought me to life。 Mrs。 … is actually on her way here about the divorce。 Should this unpleasant business (which has been so long talked of) succeed; and I should become free; do you think S。 L。 will agree to change her name to …? If she WILL; she SHALL; and to call her so to you; or to hear her called so by others; would be music to my ears; such as they never drank in。 Do you think if she knew how I love her; my depressions and my altitudes; my wanderings and my constancy; it would not move her? She knows it all; and if she is not an INCORRIGIBLE; she loves me; or regards me with a feeling next to love。 I don't believe that any woman was ever courted more passionately than she has been by me。 As Rousseau said of Madame d'Houptot (forgive the allusion) my heart has found a tongue in speaking to her; and I have talked to her the divine language of love。 Yet she says; she is insensible to it。 Am I to believe her or you? Youfor I wish it and wish it to madness; now that I am like to be free; and to have it in my power to say to her without a possibility of suspicion; 〃Sarah; will you be mine?〃 When I sometimes think of the time I first saw the sweet apparition; August 16; 1820; and that possibly she may be my bride before that day two years; it makes me dizzy with incredible joy and love of her。 Write soon。
LETTER V
My dear Friend; I read your answer this morning with gratitude。 I have felt somewhat easier since。 It shewed your interest in my vexations; and also that you know nothing worse than I do。 I cannot describe the weakness of mind to which she has reduced me。 This state of suspense is like hanging in the air by a single thread that exhausts all your strength to keep hold of it; and yet if that fails you; you have nothing in the world else left to trust to。 I am come back to Edinburgh about this cursed business; and Mrs。 … is coming from Montrose next week。 How it will end; I can't say; and don't care; except as it regards the other affair。 I should; I confess; like to have it in my power to make her the offer direct and unequivocal; to see how she'd receive it。 It would be worth something at any rate to see her superfine airs upon the occasion; and if she should take it into her head to turn round her sweet neck; drop her eye…lids; and say〃Yes; I will be yours!〃why then; 〃treason domestic; foreign levy; nothing could touch me further。〃 By Heaven! I doat on her。 The truth is; I never had any pleasure; like love; with any one but her。 Then how can I bear to part with her? Do you know I like to think of her best in her morning…gown and mob…capit is so she has oftenest come into my room and enchanted me! She was once ill; pale; and had lost all her