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God! How did I dwell on that word BEFORE; thinking it implied an attachment to me also; but you have since disclaimed any such meaning。 You say you have never professed more than esteem。 Yet once; when you were sitting in your old place; on my knee; embracing and fondly embraced; and I asked you if you could not love; you made answer; 〃I could easily say so; whether I did or notYOU SHOULD JUDGE BY MY ACTIONS!〃 And another time; when you were in the same posture; and I reproached you with indifference; you replied in these words; 〃Do I SEEM INDIFFERENT?〃 Was I to blame after this to indulge my passion for the loveliest of her sex? Or what can I think?
S。 I am no prude; Sir。
H。 Yet you might be taken for one。 So your mother said; 〃It was hard if you might not indulge in a little levity。〃 She has strange notions of levity。 But levity; my dear; is quite out of character in you。 Your ordinary walk is as if you were performing some religious ceremony: you come up to my table of a morning; when you merely bring in the tea…things; as if you were advancing to the altar。 You move in minuet…time: you measure every step; as if you were afraid of offending in the smallest things。 I never hear your approach on the stairs; but by a sort of hushed silence。 When you enter the room; the Graces wait on you; and Love waves round your person in gentle undulations; breathing balm into the soul! By Heaven; you are an angel! You look like one at this instant! Do I not adore youand have I merited this return?
S。 I have repeatedly answered that question。 You sit and fancy things out of your own head; and then lay them to my charge。 There is not a word of truth in your suspicions。
H。 Did I not overhear the conversation down…stairs last night; to which you were a party? Shall I repeat it?
S。 I had rather not hear it!
H。 Or what am I to think of this story of the footman?
S。 It is false; Sir; I never did anything of the sort。
H。 Nay; when I told your mother I wished she wouldn't * * * * * * * * * (as I heard she did) she said 〃Oh; there's nothing in that; for Sarah very often * * * * * *;〃 and your doing so before company; is only a trifling addition to the sport。
S。 I'll call my mother; Sir; and she shall contradict you。
H。 Then she'll contradict herself。 But did not you boast you were 〃very persevering in your resistance to gay young men;〃 and had been 〃several times obliged to ring the bell?〃 Did you always ring it? Or did you get into these dilemmas that made it necessary; merely by the demureness of your looks and ways? Or had nothing else passed? Or have you two characters; one that you palm off upon me; and another; your natural one; that you resume when you get out of the room; like an actress who throws aside her artificial part behind the scenes? Did you not; when I was courting you on the staircase the first night Mr。 C came; beg me to desist; for if the new lodger heard us; he'd take you for a light character? Was that all? Were you only afraid of being TAKEN for a light character? Oh! Sarah!
S。 I'll stay and hear this no longer。
H。 Yes; one word more。 Did you not love another?
S。 Yes; and ever shall most sincerely。
H。 Then; THAT is my only hope。 If you could feel this sentiment for him; you cannot be what you seem to me of late。 But there is another thing I had to saybe what you will; I love you to distraction! You are the only woman that ever made me think she loved me; and that feeling was so new to me; and so delicious; that it 〃will never from my heart。〃 Thou wert to me a little tender flower; blooming in the wilderness of my life; and though thou should'st turn out a weed; I'll not fling thee from me; while I can help it。 Wert thou all that I dread to thinkwert thou a wretched wanderer in the street; covered with rags; disease; and infamy; I'd clasp thee to my bosom; and live and die with thee; my love。 Kiss me; thou little sorceress!
S。 NEVER。
H。 Then go: but remember I cannot live without younor I will not。
THE RECONCILIATION
H。 I have then lost your friendship?
S。 Nothing tends more to alienate friendship than insult。
H。 The words I uttered hurt me more than they did you。
S。 It was not words merely; but actions as well。
H。 Nothing I can say or do can ever alter my fondness for youAh; Sarah! I am unworthy of your love: I hardly dare ask for your pity; but oh! save mesave me from your scorn: I cannot bear itit withers me like lightning。
S。 I bear no malice; Sir; but my brother; who would scorn to tell a lie for his sister; can bear witness for me that there was no truth in what you were told。
H。 I believe it; or there is no truth in woman。 It is enough for me to know that you do not return my regard; it would be too much for me to think that you did not deserve it。 But cannot you forgive the agony of the moment?
S。 I can forgive; but it is not easy to forget some things!
H。 Nay; my sweet Sarah (frown if you will; I can bear your resentment for my ill behaviour; it is only your scorn and indifference that harrow up my soul)but I was going to ask; if you had been engaged to be married to any one; and the day was fixed; and he had heard what I did; whether he could have felt any true regard for the character of his bride; his wife; if he had not been hurt and alarmed as I was?
S。 I believe; actual contracts of marriage have sometimes been broken off by unjust suspicions。
H。 Or had it been your old friend; what do you think he would have said in my case?
S。 He would never have listened to anything of the sort。
H。 He had greater reasons for confidence than I have。 But it is your repeated cruel rejection of me that drives me almost to madness。 Tell me; love; is there not; besides your attachment to him; a repugnance to me?
S。 No; none whatever。
H。 I fear there is an original dislike; which no efforts of mine can overcome。
S。 It is not youit is my feelings with respect to another; which are unalterable。
H。 And yet you have no hope of ever being his? And yet you accuse me of being romantic in my sentiments。
S。 I have indeed long ceased to hope; but yet I sometimes hope against hope。
H。 My love! were it in my power; thy hopes should be fulfilled to…morrow。 Next to my own; there is nothing that could give me so much satisfaction as to see thine realized! Do I not love thee; when I can feel such an interest in thy love for another? It was that which first wedded my very soul to you。 I would give worlds for a share in a heart so rich in pure affection!
S。 And yet I did not tell you of the circumstance to raise myself in your opinion。
H。 You are a sublime little thing! And yet; as you have no prospects there; I cannot help thinking; the best thing would be to do as I have said。
S。 I would never marry a man I did not love beyond all the world。
H。 I should be satisfied with less than thatwith the love; or regard; or whatever you call it; you have shown me before marriage; if that has only been sincere。 You would hardly like me less afterwards。
S。 Endearments would; I should think; increase regard; where there was love beforehand; but th