liber amoris-第23章

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　not　her　faithlessness　to　it？　　〃If　one　swerves　from　one；　one　shall　swerve　from　another〃was　her　excuse　for　not　returning　my　regard。　　Yet　that　which　I　thought　a　prophecy；　was　I　suspect　a　history。　　She　had　swerved　twice　from　her　avowed　engagements；　first　to　me；　and　then　from　me　to　another。　　If　she　made　a　fool　of　me；　what　did　she　make　of　her　lover？　　I　fancy　he　has　put　that　question　to　himself。　　I　said　nothing　to　him　about　the　amount　of　the　presents；　which　is　another　damning　circumstance；　that　might　have　opened　my　eyes　long　before；　but　they　were　shut　by　my　fond　affection；　which　〃turned　all　to　favour　and　to　prettiness。〃　　She　cannot　be　supposed　to　have　kept　up　an　appearance　of　old　regard　to　me；　from　a　fear　of　hurting　my　feelings　by　her　desertion；　for　she　not　only　shewed　herself　indifferent　to；　but　evidently　triumphed　in　my　sufferings；　and　heaped　every　kind　of　insult　and　indignity　upon　them。　　I　must　have　incurred　her　contempt　and　resentment　by　my　mistaken　delicacy　at　different　times；　and　her　manner；　when　I　have　hinted　at　becoming　a　reformed　man　in　this　respect；　convinces　me　of　it。　　〃She　hated　it！〃　She　always　hated　whatever　she　liked　most。　　She　〃hated　Mr。　C's　red　slippers；〃　when　he　first　came！　　One　more　count　finishes　the　indictment。　　She　not　only　discovered　the　most　hardened　indifference　to　the　feelings　of　others；　she　has　not　shewn　the　least　regard　to　her　own　character；　or　shame　when　she　was　detected。　　When　found　out；　she　seemed　to　say；　〃Well；　what　if　I　am？　　I　have　played　the　game　as　long　as　I　could；　and　if　I　could　keep　it　up　no　longer；　it　was　not　for　want　of　good　will！〃　　Her　colouring　once　or　twice　is　the　only　sign　of　grace　she　has　exhibited。　　Such　is　the　creature　on　whom　I　had　thrown　away　my　heart　and　soul…one　who　was　incapable　of　feeling　the　commonest　emotions　of　human　nature；　as　they　regarded　herself　or　any　one　else。　　〃She　had　no　feelings　with　respect　to　herself；〃　she　often　said。　　She　in　fact　knows　what　she　is；　and　recoils　from　the　good　opinion　or　sympathy　of　others；　which　she　feels　to　be　founded　on　a　deception；　so　that　my　overweening　opinion　of　her　must　have　appeared　like　irony；　or　direct　insult。　　My　seeing　her　in　the　street　has　gone　a　good　way　to　satisfy　me。　　Her　manner　there　explains　her　manner　in…doors　to　be　conscious　and　overdone；　and　besides；　she　looks　but　indifferently。　　She　is　diminutive　in　stature；　and　her　measured　step　and　timid　air　do　not　suit　these　public　airings。　　I　am　afraid　she　will　soon　grow　common　to　my　imagination；　as　well　as　worthless　in　herself。　　Her　image　seems　fast　〃going　into　the　wastes　of　time；〃　like　a　weed　that　the　wave　bears　farther　and　farther　from　me。　　Alas！　thou　poor　hapless　weed；　when　I　entirely　lose　sight　of　thee；　and　for　ever；　no　flower　will　ever　bloom　on　earth　to　glad　my　heart　again！







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