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me。〃 So wind was quickly taken out of the Mayflower's sails by 〃The
Royal Order of the Crown；〃 to which none need apply who were not
prepared to prove descent from one or more royal ancestors。 It was not
stated in the prospectus whether Irish sovereigns and Fiji Island kings
counted； but I have been told that bar sinisters form a class apart； and are
deprived of the right to vote or hold office。
Descent from any old king was； however； not sufficient for the high…
toned people of our republic。 When you come to think of it； such a circle
might be 〃mixed。〃 One really must draw the line somewhere （as the
Boston parvenu replied when asked why he had not invited his brother to a
ball）。 So the founders of the 〃Circle of Holland Dames of the New
Netherlands〃 drew the line at descent from a sovereign of the Low
Countries。 It does not seem as if this could be a large society； although
those old Dutch pashas had an unconscionable number of children。
The promoters of this enterprise seem nevertheless to have been fairly
successful； for they gave a fete recently and crowned a queen。 To be
acclaimed their sovereign by a group of people all of royal birth is indeed
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an honor。 Rumors of this ceremony have come to us outsiders。 It is said
that they employed only lineal descendants of Vatel to prepare their
banquet； and I am assured that an offspring of Gambrinus acted as butler。
But it is wrong to joke on this subject。 The state of affairs is becoming
too serious。 When sane human beings form a 〃Baronial Order of
Runnymede；〃 and announce in their prospectus that only descendants
through the male line from one （or more） of the forty noblemen who
forced King John to sign the Magna Charta are what our Washington Mrs。
Malaprop would call 〃legible；〃 the action attests a diseased condition of
the community。 Any one taking the trouble to remember that eight of the
original barons died childless； and that the Wars of the Roses swept away
nine tenths of what families the others may have had； that only one man in
England （Lord de Ros） can at the present day PROVE male descent
further back than the eleventh century； must appreciate the absurdity of
our compatriots' pretensions。 Burke's Peerage is acknowledged to be the
most 〃faked〃 volume in the English language； but the descents it attributes
are like mathematical demonstrations compared to the 〃trees〃 that
members of these new American orders climb。
When my class was graduated from Mr。 McMullen's school； we little
boys had the brilliant idea of uniting in a society； but were greatly put
about for an effective name； hitting finally upon that of Ancient Seniors'
Society。 For a group of infants； this must be acknowledged to have been a
luminous inspiration。 We had no valid reason for forming that society； not
being particularly fond of each other。 Living in several cities； we rarely
met after leaving school and had little to say to each other when we did。
But it sounded so fine to be an 〃Ancient Senior；〃 and we hoped in our next
school to impress new companions with that title and make them feel
proper respect for us in consequence。 Pride； however； sustained a fall
when it was pointed out that the initials formed the ominous word 〃Ass。〃
I have a shrewd suspicion that the motives which prompted our
youthful actions are not very different from those now inciting children of
a larger growth to band together； blackball their friends； crown queens；
and perform other senseless mummeries； such as having the weathercock
of a departed meeting…house brought in during a banquet； and dressing
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restaurant waiters in knickerbockers for 〃one night only。〃
This malarial condition of our social atmosphere accounts for the
quantity of genealogical quacks that have taken to sending typewritten
letters； stating that the interest they take in your private affairs compels
them to offer proof of your descent from any crowned head to whom you
may have taken a fancy。 One correspondent assured me only this month
that he had papers in his possession showing beyond a doubt that I might
claim a certain King McDougal of Scotland for an ancestor。 I have
misgivings； however； as to the quality of the royal blood in my veins； for
the same correspondent was equally confident six months ago that my
people came in direct line from Charlemagne。 As I have no desire to
〃corner〃 the market in kings； these letters have remained unanswered。
Considering the mania to trace descent from illustrious men； it
astonishes me that a Mystic Band； consisting of lineal descendants from
the Seven Sages of Greece； has not before now burst upon an astonished
world。 It has been suggested that if some one wanted to organize a truly
restricted circle； 〃The Grandchildren of our Tripoli War〃 would be an
excellent title。 So few Americans took part in that conflict … and still fewer
know anything about it … that the satisfaction of joining the society would
be immense to exclusively…minded people。
There is only one explanation that seems in any way to account for this
vast tomfoolery。 A little sentence； printed at the bottom of a prospectus
recently sent to me； lets the ambitious cat out of the genealogical bag。 It
states that 〃social position is assured to people joining our order。〃 Thanks
to the idiotic habit some newspapers have inaugurated of advertising；
gratis； a number of self…elected society 〃leaders；〃 many feeble…minded
people； with more ambition than cash； and a larger supply of family papers
than brains； have been bitten with a social madness； and enter these traps；
thinking they are the road to position and honors。 The number of fools is
larger than one would have believed possible； if the success of so many
〃orders；〃 〃circles；〃 〃commanderies；〃 and 〃regencies〃 were not there to
testify to the unending folly of