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the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第7章

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〃And the passengers?〃

〃There ain't any; skacely; now…days;〃 said the landlord; 〃and
what few ther is very much prefer to walk; the roads is so
rough。〃

〃And how ist with you?〃 I inquired of the editor of the
〃Bugle…Horn of Liberty;〃 who sot near me。

〃I can't go;〃 he said; shakin' his head in a wise way。
〃Ordinarily I should delight to wade in gore; but my bleedin'
country bids me stay at home。  It is imperatively necessary
that I remain here for the purpose of announcin'; from week to
week; that OUR GOV'MENT IS ABOUT TO TAKE VIGOROUS MEASURES TO
PUT DOWN THE REBELLION!〃

I strolled into the village oyster…saloon; where I found Dr。
SCHWAZEY; a leadin' citizen in a state of mind which showed
that he'd bin histin' in more'n his share of pizen。

〃Hello; old Beeswax;〃 he bellered; 〃how's yer grandmams?  When
you goin' to feed your stuffed animils?〃

〃What's the matter with the eminent physician?〃 I pleasantly
inquired。

〃This;〃 he said; 〃this is what's the matter。  I'm a habit…ooal
drunkard!  I'm exempt!〃

〃Jes' so。〃

〃Do you see them beans; old man?〃 and he pinted to a plate
before him。  〃Do you see 'em?〃

〃I do。  They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly。〃

〃Well;〃 said he; 〃I hadn't eat anything since last week。  I
eat beans now BECAUSE I eat beans THEN。  I never mix my
vittles!〃

〃It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin' once in a
while;〃 I said。  〃It's a good idee to occasionally instruct
the stummick that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for
its sustainance。〃

〃A blessin';〃 he cried; 〃a blessin' onto the hed of the man
what invented beans。  A blessin' onto his hed!〃

〃Which his name is GILSON!  He's a first family of Bostin;〃
said I。
                         。  。  。  。

This is a speciment of how things was goin' in my place of
residence。
                         。  。  。  。

A few was true blue。  The schoolmaster was among 'em。  He
greeted me warmly。  He said I was welkim to those shores。  He
said I had a massiv mind。  It was gratifyin'; he said; to see
the great intelleck stalkin' in their midst onct more。  I have
before had occasion to notice this schoolmaster。  He is
evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary talents。

The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin'。
The meetin' was largely attended。  We held it in the open air
round a roarin' bonfire。

The schoolmaster was the first orator。  He's pretty good on
the speak。  He also writes well; his composition bein' seldom
marred by ingrammatticisms。 He said this inactivity surprised
him。  〃What do you expect will come of this kind of doin's?
Nihil fit〃

〃Hooray for Nihil!〃 I interrupted。  〃Fellow…citizens; let's
giv three cheers for Nihil; the man who fit!〃

The schoolmaster turned a little red; but repeated〃Nihil
fit。〃

〃Exactly;〃 I said。  〃Nihil FIT。  He wasn't a strategy feller。〃

〃Our venerable friend;〃 said the schoolmaster; smilin'
pleasantly; 〃isn't posted in Virgil。〃

〃No; I don't know him。  But if he's a able…bodied man he must
stand his little draft。〃

The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style; and the
subscriber took the stand。

I said the crisis had not only cum itself; but it had brought
all its relations。  It has cum; I said; with a evident
intention of makin' us a good long visit。  It's goin' to take
off its things and stop with us。  My wife says so too。  This
is a good war。  For those who like this war; it's just such a
kind of war as they like。  I'll bet ye。  My wife says so too。
If the Federal army succeeds in takin' Washington; and they
seem to be advancin' that way pretty often; I shall say it is
strategy; and Washington will be safe。  And that noble banner;
as it werethat banner; as it werewill be a emblem; or
rather; I should say; that noble bannerAS IT WERE。  My wife
says so too。  'I got a little mixed up here; but they didn't
notice it。  Keep mum。'  Feller citizens; it will be a proud
day for this Republic when Washington is safe。  My wife says
so too。

The editor of the 〃Bugle…Horn of Liberty〃 here arose and said:
〃I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman; but a impertant
despatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here。
I will read it。  It is as follows:  GOV'MENT IS ABOUT TO TAKE
VIGOROUS MEASURES TO PUT DOWN THE REBELLION!  'Loud applause。'

That; said I; is cheering。  That's soothing。  And Washington
will be safe。 'Sensation。'  Philadelphia is safe。  Gen。
PATTERSON'S in Philadelphia。  But my heart bleeds partic'ly
for Washington。  My wife says so too。

There's money enough。 No trouble about MONEY。  They've got a
lot of first…class bank…note engravers at Washington (which
place; I regret to say; is by no means safe) who turn out two
or three cords of money a daygood money; too。  Goes well。
These bank…note engravers made good wages。  I expect they lay
up property。  They are full of Union sentiment。  There is
considerable Union sentiment in Virginny; more especially
among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley。  My wife
says so too。

Then it isn't money we want。  But we do want MEN; and we must
have them。  We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe。
We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are poundin' the
Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung…shots; and
stabbin' her with stolen knives!  We must lick 'em quick。  We
must introduce a large number of first…class funerals among
the people of the South。  Betsy says so too。

This war hain't been too well managed。  We all know that。
What then?  We are all in the same boatif the boat goes
down; we go down with her。  Hence we must all fight。  It ain't
no use to talk now about who CAUSED the war。  That's played
out。  The war is upon usupon us alland we must all fight。
We can't 〃reason〃 the matter with the foe。  When; in the broad
glare of the noonday sun; a speckled jackass boldly and
maliciously kicks over a peanut…stand; do we 〃reason〃 with
him?  I guess not。  And why 〃reason〃 with those other Southern
people who are trying to kick over the Republic!  Betsy; my
wife; says so too。

The meeting broke up with enthusiasm。

We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it。


2。7。  SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS。

It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England;
some thirty years ago; to celebrate the anniversary of the
surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that
important event in the history of the Revolutionary War。  A
town meeting would be called; at which a company of men would
be detailed as British; and a company as Americanstwo
leading citizens being selected to represent Washington and
Cornwallis in mimic surrender。

The pleasant little town of W; in whose schools the writer
has been repeatedly 〃corrected;〃 upon whose ponds he has often
skated; upon whose richest orchards he has; with other
juvenile bandits; many times dashed in the silent midnight;
the town of W; where it was popularly believed these bandits
would 〃come to a bad end;〃 resolved to celebrate the
surrender。  Rival towns had celebrated; and W determined to
eclipse them in the most signal manner。  It is my privilege to
tell how W succeeded in this determination。

The great day came。
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