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I will remark； in this connection； that the Editor of the
〃Bugle〃 does my job printing。
〃You；〃 said Mr。 Hinkins； 〃who live away from the busy haunts
of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis。 The
busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this crisis。 We
who live in the busy haunts of menthat is to say； we dwell；
as it were； in the busy haunts of men。〃
〃I really trust that the gen'l'man will not fail to say
suthin' about the busy haunts of men before he sits down；〃
said I。
〃I claim the right to express my sentiments here；〃 said Mr。
Hinkins； in a slightly indignant tone； 〃and I shall brook no
interruption； if I am a Softmore。〃
〃You couldn't be MORE SOFT； my young friend；〃 I observed；
whereupon there was cries of Order！ order！〃
〃I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally；〃 said the
young man。
〃You might inlist as a liberty…pole；〃 said I； in a silvery
whisper。
〃But；〃 he added； 〃I have a voice； and that voice is for war。〃
The young man then closed his speech with some strikin and
orginal remarks in relation to the star…spangled banner。 He
was followed by the village minister； a very worthy man
indeed； but whose sermons have a tendency to make people sleep
pretty industriously。
〃I am willin' to inlist for one；〃 he said。
〃What's your weight； parson？〃 I asked。
〃A hundred and sixty pounds；〃 he said。
〃Well； you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of
morphine； your dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a
battle； and preach while the surgical operations is bein'
performed！ Think how much you'd save the Gov'ment in
morphine。〃
He didn't seem to see it； but he made a good speech； and the
editor of the 〃Bugle〃 rose to read the resolutions； commencin'
as follers：
RESOLVED； That we view with anxiety the fact that there is now
a war goin' on； and
RESOLVED； That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathizes with
the secession movement； and that we hope the nine…months men
At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery
footsteps on the stairs； and a party of wimin； carryin' guns
and led by BETSY JANE； who brandish'd a loud and rattlin'
umbereller； burst into the room。
〃Here；〃 cried I； 〃are some nine…months wimin！〃
〃Mrs。 Ward；〃 said the editor of the 〃Bugle〃〃Mrs。 WARD and
ladies； what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration？〃
〃It means；〃 said that remarkable female 〃that you men air
makin' fools of yourselves。 You air willin' to talk and urge
others to go to the wars； but you don't go to the wars
yourselves。 War meetin's is very nice in their way； but they
don't keep STONEWALL JACKSON from comin' over to Maryland and
helpin' himself to the fattest beef critters。 What we want is
more cider and less talk。 We want you able…bodied men to stop
speechifying； which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's
tail； and to go fi'tin'； otherwise you can stay to home and
take keer of the children； while we wimin will go to the
wars！〃
〃Gentl'man；〃 said I； 〃that's my wife！ Go in； old gal！〃 and I
throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters。
〃Is this roll…book to be filled up with the names of men or
wimin？〃 she cried。
〃With menwith men！〃 and our quoty was made up that very
night。
There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's。 A war
meetin'； in fact； without gas； would be suthin' like the play
of HAMLET with the part of OTHELLO omitted。
Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well
sot up with as any young lady in distress could expect to be；
I am
Yours more'n anybody else's；
A。 Ward。
2。6。 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE。
If I'm drafted I shall RESIGN。
Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon me
I shall feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum
more worthy person。 Modesty is what ails me。 That's what's
kept me under。
I meanter…say； I shall hav to resign if I'm drafted
everywheres I've bin inrold。 I must now； furrinstuns； be
inrold in upards of 200 different towns。 If I'd kept on
travelin' I should hav eventooaly becum a Brigade； in which
case I could have held a meetin' and elected myself Brigadeer…
ginral quite unanimiss。 I hadn't no idea there was so many of
me before。 But； serisly； I concluded to stop exhibitin'； and
made tracks for Baldinsville。
My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum； and said； 〃It
is me fayther！ I thank the gods！〃
She reads the 〃Ledger。〃
〃Tip us yer bunch of fives； old faker！〃 said ARTEMUS； Jr。 He
reads the 〃Clipper。〃
My wife was to the sowin' circle。 I knew she and the wimin
folks was havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females of the
OTHER sowin' circle （which likewise met that arternoon； and
was doubtless enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in slanderin'
the fust…named circle）； and I didn't send for her。 I allus
like to see people enjoy theirselves。
My son ORGUSTUS was playin' onto a floot。
ORGUSTUS is a ethereal cuss。 The twins was bildin' cob…houses
in a corner of the kitchin'。
It'll cost some postage…stamps to raise this fam'ly； and yet
it 'ud go hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock。
An old bachelor is a poor critter。 He may have hearn the
skylark or （what's nearly the same thing） MISS KELLOGG and
CARLOTTY PATTI sing； he may have hearn OLE BULL fiddle； and
all the DODWORTHS toot； an' yet he don't know nothin' about
musicthe real； ginuine thingthe music of the laughter of
happy； well…fed children！ And you may ax the father of sich
children home to dinner； feelin werry sure there'll be no
spoons missin' when he goes away。 Sich fathers never drop tin
five…cent pieces into the contribution box； nor palm shoe…pegs
off onto blind hosses for oats； nor skedaddle to British sile
when their country's in dangernor do anything which is
really mean。 I don't mean to intimate that the old bachelor
is up to little games of this sortnot at allbut I repeat；
he's a poor critter。 He don't live here； only stays。 He
ought to 'pologize on behalf of his parients； for bein' here
at all。 The happy marrid man dies in good stile at home；
surrounded by his weeping wife and children。 The old bachelor
don't die at allhe sort of rots away； like a pollywog's
tail。
。 。 。 。
My townsmen were sort o' demoralized。 There was a evident
desine to ewade the Draft； as I obsarved with sorrer； and
patritism was below Parand MAR； too。 ＇A jew desprit。＇ I
hadn't no sooner sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun than I
saw sixteen solitary hossmen； ridin' four abreast； wendin'
their way up the street。
〃What's them？ Is it cavilry？〃
〃That；〃 said the landlord； 〃is the stage。 Sixteen able…bodied
citizens has literally bo't the stage line 'tween here and
Scotsburg。 That's them。 They're Stage…drivers。 Stage…
drivers is exempt！〃
I saw that each stage…driver carried a letter in his left
hand。
〃The mail is hevy； to…day；〃 said the landlord。 〃Gin'rally
they don't have more'n half a dozen letters 'tween 'em。 To…
day they're got one a piece！ Bile my lights and liver！〃
〃And the passengers？〃
〃There ain't any； skacely； now…days；〃 said