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me； put his nose into my mouth。 I returned the compliment by
placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot； when he
kindly made a spittoon of his able…bodied face。 Actooated by
a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then
fastened my teeth onto his left coat…sleeve and tore it to the
shoulder。 We then vilently bunted out heads together for a
few minutes； danced around a little； and sot down in a
mudpuddle。 We riz to our feet agin and by a sudden and adroit
movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist。 We
then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two…hoss
wagon。 I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin
up agin； but the man sed he reckoned I'd better； and I
conclooded I would。 He pulled me up； but I hadn't bin on my
feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in
the hed。 The crowd sed it was high old sport； but I couldn't
zackly see where the lafture come in。 I riz and we embraced
agin。 We careered madly to a steep bank； when I got the upper
hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen。 He
fell about forty feet； striking a grindstone pretty hard。 I
understood he was injured。 I haven't heard from the
grindstone。
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a
apology was doo me。 There was a mistake。 The crowd had taken
me for another man！ I told him not to mention it； and axed
him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about； and got
on bored the train； which had stopped at that station 〃20
minits for refreshments。〃 I got all I wantid。 It was the
hartiest meal I ever et。
I was rid on a rale the next day； a bunch of blazin fire
crackers bein tied to my coat tales。 It was a fine spectycal
in a dramatic pint of view； but I didn't enjoy it。 I had
other adventers of a startlin kind； but why continner？ Why
lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things？ Suffysit
to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last。 I made
tracks for my humsted； but she to whom I'm harnist for life
failed to recognize； in the emashiated bein who stood before
her； the gushin youth of forty…six summers who had left her
only a few months afore。 But I went into the pantry； and
brought out a certin black bottle。 Raisin it to my lips； I
sed 〃Here's to you； old gal！〃 I did it so natral that she
knowed me at once。 〃Those form！ Them voice！ That natral
stile of doin things！ 'Tis he！〃 she cried； and rushed into my
arms。 It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon。 I cum
very near swoundin myself。
No more to…day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union；
and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present
bad fix。
2。3。 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION。
Delivered July 4th； at Weathersfield； Connecticut； 1859。
＇I delivered the follerin； about two years ago； to a large and
discriminating awjince。 I was 96 minits passin a givin pint。
I have revised the orashun； and added sum things which makes
it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be。 I
have also corrected the grammers and punktooated it。 I do my
own punktooatin now days。 The Printers in 〃Vanity Fair〃
offiss can't punktooate worth a cent。＇
FELLER CITIZENS： I've bin honored with a invite to norate
before you to…day； and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to
the task； I'm sure you will believe me。
Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and
patritism the world over； and to be axed to paws and address
you on this my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan；
causes me to feelto feelI may say it causes me to FEEL。
（Grate applaws。 They thought this was one of my
eccentricities； while the fact is I was stuck。 This between
you and I。）
I'm a plane man。 I don't know nothin about no ded languages
and am a little shaky on livin ones。 There4； expect no flowry
talk from me。 What I shall say will be to the pint； right
strate out。
I'm not a politician and my other habits air good。 I've no
enemys to reward； nor friends to sponge。 But I'm a Union man。
I luv the Unionit is a Big thingand it makes my hart bleed
to see a lot of ornery peple a…movin heavenno； not heaven；
but the other placeand earth； to bust it up。 Toe much good
blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily respectable
female the Goddess of Liberty； to git a divorce from her now。
My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin marrid
peple with neatness and dispatch； but you can't get a divorce
from the Goddess up there。 Not by no means。 The old gal has
behaved herself too well to cast her off now。 I'm sorry the
picters don't give her no shoes or stockins； but the band of
stars upon her hed must continner to shine undimd； forever。
I'm for the Union as she air； and withered be the arm of every
ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up。 That's me。 I hav
sed！ ＇It was a very sweaty day； and at this pint of the
orashun a man fell down with sunstroke。 I told the awjince
that considerin the large number of putty gals present I was
more afraid of a DAWTER STROKE。 This was impromptoo； and
seemed to amoose them very much。＇
Feller CitizensI hain't got time to notis the growth of
Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the
Pilgrim and brawt Plymouth Rock with them； but every skool boy
nose our kareer has been tremenjis。 You will excuse me if I
don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies。 Peple which
hung idiotic old wimin for witches； burnt holes in Quakers'
tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and
pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks
in their way； but I must confess I don't admire their stile；
and will pass them by。 I spose they ment well； and so； in the
novel and techin langwidge of the nusepapers； 〃peas to their
ashis。〃 Thare was no diskount； however； on them brave men who
fit； bled and died in the American Revolushun。 We needn't be
afraid of setting 'em up two steep。 Like my show； they will
stand any amount of prase。 G。 Washington was abowt the best
man this world ever sot eyes on。 He was a clear…heded；
warm…harted； and stiddy goin man。 He never slopt over！ The
prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP OVER！ ＇Put
them words in large lettersA。 W。＇ They git filled up and
slop。 They Rush Things。 They travel too much on the high
presher principle。 They git on to the fust poplar hobbyhoss
whitch trots along； not carin a sent whether the beest is even
goin； clear sited and sound or spavined； blind and bawky。 Of
course they git throwed eventooally； if not sooner。 When they
see the multitood goin it blind they go Pel Mel with it；
instid of exerting theirselves to set it right。 They can't
see that the crowd which is now bearin them triumfantly on its
shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast them into the
hoss pond of Oblivyun； without the slitest hesitashun。
Washington never slopt over。 That wasn't George's stile。 He
luved his country dearly。 He wasn't after the spiles。 He was
a human angil in a 3 kornerd hat and knee britches； and we
shan't see his like right away。 My frends； we can't all be
Washingtons but we kin all be patrits & behave ourselves in a
human and a C