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of the Southern Conthieveracy。 He was quite perlite； and axed
me to sit down and state my case。 I did it； when he larfed
and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in
confisticatin my show。
〃Yes；〃 sez I； 〃they confisticated me too muchly。 I had sum
hosses confisticated in the same way onct； but the
confisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in
Injinnapylus。〃
〃Wall； wall Mister Ward； you air at liberty to depart； you air
friendly to the South； I know。 Even now we hav many frens in
the North； who sympathize with us； and won't mingle with this
fight。〃
〃J。 Davis； there's your grate mistaik。 Many of us was your
sincere frends； and thought certin parties amung us was fussin
about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much。
But J。 Davis； the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry…
goods called the Star…Spangled Banner； the North gits up and
rises en massy； in defence of that banner。 Not agin you as
individooals；not agin the South evenbut to save the flag。
We should indeed be weak in the knees； unsound in the heart；
milk…white in the liver； and soft in the hed； if we stood
quietly by； and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces；
either by a furrin or a intestine foe。 The gentle…harted
mother hates to take her naughty child across her knee； but
she knows it is her dooty to do it。 So we shall hate to whip
the naughty South； but we must do it if you don't make back
tracks at onct； and we shall wallup you out of your boots！ J。
Davis； it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South is makin
a egrejus mutton…hed of herself！〃
〃Go on； sir； you're safe enuff。 You're two small powder for
me！〃 sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy。
〃Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mounted
Hoss Cavalry！ I'm Capting of that Corpse； I am； and J。 Davis；
beware！ Jefferson D。； I now leave you！ Farewell my gay Saler
Boy！ Good…bye； my bold buccaneer！ Pirut of the deep blue
sea； adoo！ adoo！〃
My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home was
thrillin enuff for yeller covers。 It will form the subjeck of
my next。 Betsy Jane and the projeny air well。
Yours respectively；
A。 Ward。
2。2。 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE。
I had a narrer scape from the sonny South。 〃The swings and
arrers of outrajus fortin；〃 alluded to by Hamlick； warn't
nothin in comparison to my trubles。 I come pesky near swearin
sum profane oaths more'n onct； but I hope I didn't do it； for
I've promist she whose name shall be nameless （except that her
initials is Betsy J。） that I'll jine the Meetin House at
Baldinsville； jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff
together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile； like my
welthy nabers。 But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I
shall continner on in my present benited state for sum time。
I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower
from Montgomry to my humsted； and on sevril occasions I
thought 〃the grate komick paper〃 wouldn't be inriched no more
with my lubrications。 Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D。 I
started for the depot。 I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a
playin on a banjo； 〃My Afrikan Brother；〃 sed I； coting from a
Track I onct red； 〃you belong to a very interestin race。 Your
masters is goin to war excloosively on your account。〃
〃Yes； boss；〃 he replied； 〃an' I wish 'em honorable graves！〃
and he went on playin the banjo； larfin all over and openin
his mouth wide enuff to drive in an old…fashioned 2 wheeled
chaise。
The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life；
was the scaliest； rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I
ever saw on wheels afore。 〃What time does this string of
second…hand coffins leave？〃 I inquired of the depot master。
He sed direckly； and I went in & sot down。 I hadn't more'n
fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister
expression onto his countenance entered the cars； and lookin
very sharp at me； he axed what was my principles？
〃Secesh！〃 I ansered。 〃I'm a Dissoluter。 I'm in favor of Jeff
Davis； Bowregard； Pickens； Capt。 Kidd； Bloobeard； Munro
Edards； the devil； Mrs。 Cunningham and all the rest of 'em。〃
〃You're in favor of the war？〃
〃Certingly。 By all means。 I'm in favor of this war and also
of the next war。 I've been in favor of the next war for over
sixteen years！〃
〃War to the knife！〃 sed the man。
〃Blud； Eargo； Blud！〃 sed I； tho them words isn't orrigernal
with me； them words was rit by Shakspeare； who is ded。 His
mantle fell onto the author of 〃The Seven Sisters；〃 who's goin
to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it。
We got under way at larst； an' proceeded on our jerney at
about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by
properly…conducted funeral processions。 A hansum yung gal；
with a red musketer bar on the back side of her hed； and a
sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd； sot in the seat
with me。 She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat；
and she was a goin for to see her troo love； who had jined the
Southern army； all so bold and gay。 So she told me。 She was
chilly and I offered her my blanket。
〃Father livin？〃 I axed。
〃Yes； sir。〃
〃Got any Uncles？〃
〃A heap。 Uncle Thomas is ded； tho。〃
〃Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes； and success to him！ I will be
your Uncle Thomas！ Lean on me； my pretty Secesher； and linger
in Blissful repose！〃 She slept as secoorly as in her own
housen； and didn't disturb the sollum stillness of the night
with 'ary snore！
At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and
inquired if 〃Old Wax Works〃 was on bored。 That was the
disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me。 〃Becawz if
Old Wax Works is on bored；〃 sez a man with a face like a
double…breasted lobster； 〃we're going to hang Old Wax Works！〃
〃My illustrious and patriotic Bummers！〃 sez I； a gittin up and
takin orf my Shappo； 〃if you allude to A。 Ward； it's my
pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded。 He saw the error
of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2 yesterday； and stabbed
hisself with a stuffed sled…stake； dyin in five beautiful
tabloos to slow moosic！ His last words was： 'My perfeshernal
career is over！ I jerk no more！'〃
〃And who be you？〃
〃I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss。 I'm going
up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern
Army。〃
This was satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf。
At the next station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed
she must git out there。 I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum
pervisions。 〃Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger bred！〃
I sed。 She thankt me muchly and tript galy away。 There's
considerable human nater in a man； and I'm afraid I shall
allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in
the shape of a nice young gal。
At the next station I didn't get orf so easy。 I was dragged
out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits； for
the purpose of 〃takin the conseet out of me；〃 as a Secesher
kindly stated。
I was let up finally； when a powerful large Secesher came up
and embraced me； and to show that he had no hard feelins agin
me； put his nose into my mouth。 I returned the compliment