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right smart。 I hope he makes good wages。
I think most of the conscrips in this place will go。 A few
will go to Canady； stopping on their way at Concord； N。H。；
where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts。
You see I'm sassy； friend Wales； hittin' all sides； but no
offense is ment。 You know I ain't a politician； and never
was。 I vote for Mr。 Unionthat's the only candidate I've
got。 I claim； howsever； to have a well…balanced mind； tho' my
idees of a well…balanced mind differs from the idees of a
partner I once had； whose name it was Billson。 Billson and me
orjanized a strollin' dramatic company； & we played The
Drunkard； or the Falling Saved； with a real drunkard。 The
play didn't take particlarly； and says Billson to me； Let's
giv 'em some immoral dramy。 We had a large troop onto our
hands； consisting of eight tragedians and a bass drum； but I
says； No； Billson； and then says I； Billson； you hain't got a
well…balanced mind。 Says he； Yes； I have； old hoss…fly （he
was a low cuss）yes； I have。 I have a mind； says he； that
balances in any direction that the public rekires。 That's wot
I call a well…balanced mind。 I sold out and bid adoo to
Billson。 He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont。 The
miser'ble man once played Hamlet。 There wasn't any orchestry；
and wishin' to expire to slow moosic； he died playin' on a
claironett himself； interspersed with hart…rendin' groans； &
such is the world！ Alars！ alars！ how onthankful we air to
that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow
money； and fail und do bizniss！
But to return to our subjeck。 With our resunt grate triumps
on the Mississippi； the Father of Waters （and them is waters
no Father need feel 'shamed oftwig the wittikism？） and the
cheerin' look of things in other places； I reckon we shan't
want any Muslum of Harts。 And what upon airth do the people
of Concord； N。H。； want a Muslum of Harts for？ Hain't you got
the State House now？ & what more do you want？
But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note； arter all。
My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice；
friend Wales； about managin' your wife； a bizniss I've had
over thirty years experience in。
You had a good weddin。 The papers have a good deal to say
about 〃vikins〃 in connexion thare with。 Not knowings what
that air； and so I frankly tells you； my noble lord dook of
the throne； I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not。 We
was both very much flustrated。 But I never injoyed myself
better in my life。
Dowtless； your supper was ahead of our'n。 As regards eatin'
uses； Baldinsville was allers shaky。 But you can git a good
meal in New York； & cheap to。 You can git half a mackril at
Delmonico's or Mr。 Mason Dory's for six dollars； and biled
pertaters throw'd in。
As I sed； I manige my wife without any particler trouble。
When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of
experiments； and them as didn't work I abanding'd。 You'd
better do similer。 Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and
bildin' the fire in the mornin'； but if you commence with her
at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss。 I regret
to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff。 I wouldn't have
you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed。 Not at all。 I
simply say； in regard to bildin' fires； that； I didn't
commence arly enuff。 It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust
proposed the idee to Betsy。 It wasn't well received； and I
found myself layin' on the floor putty suddent。 I thought I'd
git up and bild the fire myself。
Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions。 _I_ allus
did； and if I know my own hart； I allus will。 My daughter；
who is goin' on 17 and is frisky； says they's disgustin。 And
speaking of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of
young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very
entertainin' old feller； and they visit us frekently；
specially on Sunday evenins。 One young chapa lawyer by
habitdon't cum as much as he did。 My wife's father lives
with us。 His intelleck totters a little； and he saves the
papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legislater。 The
old gen'l'man likes to read out loud； and he reads tol'ble
well。 He eats hash freely； which makes his voice clear； but
as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words； I may
say he reads slow。 Wall； whenever this lawyer made his
appearance I would set the old man a…reading the Legislativ'
reports。 I kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock
listenin to a lot of acts in regard to a drawbridge away orf
in the east part of the State； havin' sent my daughter to bed
at half…past 8。 He hasn't bin there since； and I understan'
he says I go round swindlin' the Public。
I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct。 I shall
never attempt agin。 I'd bin to a public dinner； and had
allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's
healths； and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible； I
continnerd drinkin' their healths until my own became
affected。 Consekens was； I presented myself at Betsy's
bedside late at night with consid'ble licker concealed about
my person。 I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way
home； and rememberin' sum cranky observations of Mrs。 Ward's
in the mornin'； I snapt the whip putty lively； and in a very
loud woice； I sed； 〃Betsy； you need reorganizin'！ I have cum；
Betsy；〃 I continuedcrackin the whip over the bed〃I have
cum to reorganize you！ Haave you per…ayed tonight？〃
* * * * * * * *
I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril
conseckootiv times； and when I woke up I found she had。 I
hain't drank much of anythin' since； and if I ever have
another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out。
My wife is 52 years old； and has allus sustained a good
character。 She's a good cook。 Her mother lived to a
vener'ble age； and died while in the act of frying slapjacks
for the County Commissioners。 And may no rood hand pluk a
flour from her toomstun！ We hain't got any picter of the old
lady； because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe； and
therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the
meejum of the illusterated papers； but as she wasn't a
brigadier…gin'ral； particlerly； I don't s'pose they'd publish
it； any how。
It's best to give a woman considerable lee…way。 But not too
much。 A naber of mine； Mr。 Roofus Minkins； was once very sick
with the fever； but his wife moved his bed into the door…yard
while she was cleanin' house。 I toald Roofus this wasn't the
thing； 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently； but he said he
wanted to giv his wife 〃a little lee…way。〃 That was 2 mutch。
I told Mrs。 Minkins that her Roofus would die if he staid out
there into the rain much longer； when she said； 〃It shan't be
my fault if he dies unprepared；〃 at the same time tossin' him
his mother's Bible。 It was orful！ I stood by； however； and
nussed him as well's I could； but I was a putty wet…nuss； I
tell you。
There's varis ways of managin' a wife； friend Wales； but the
best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she
wants to。 I 'dopted that there plan sum time