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〃Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud！ The Old Flag is
good enuff for me。 Sir；〃 he added； 〃you air from the North！
Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you？〃
I told him no； but I knew a man from Vermont who had just
organized a sort of restaurant； where he could go and make a
very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and cheese。 He
borrowed fifty cents of me； and askin' me to send him Wm。
Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home； he walked
off。
Said another； 〃There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from
the fust。 But we was kept down by a rain of terror。 Have you
a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your person？ and will
you lend me four dollars for a few days till we air once more
a happy and united people。〃
JEFF。 DAVIS。
Jeff。 Davis is not pop'lar here。 She is regarded as a
Southern sympathizer。 & yit I'm told he was kind to his
Parents。 She ran away from 'em many years ago； and has never
bin back。 This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration
when we refleck what his conduck has been。 Her captur in
female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex； & you see I
speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise； & I guess he
feels so hisself。
R。 LEE。
Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller。
He was opposed to the war at the fust； and draw'd his sword
very reluctant。 In fact； he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at
all； only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand；
which he didn't want to waste。 He sez the colored man is
right； and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath
School for negro minstrels。
THE CONFEDERATE ARMY。
The surrender of R。 Lee； J。 Johnston and others leaves the
Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state。 That army now
consists of Kirby Smith； four mules and a Bass drum； and is
movin' rapidly to'rds Texis。
A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER。
Feelin' a little peckish； I went into a eatin' house to…day
and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender
frame。 He didn't wear much clothes； and them as he did wear
looked onhealthy。 He frowned on me； and sed； kinder scornful；
〃So； Siryou come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble； do
you？〃
〃No；〃 said I； 〃I cum here for hash！〃
〃Pish…haw！〃 he sed sneerinly； 〃I mean you air in this city for
the purposes of gloating over a fallen people。 Others may
basely succumb； but as for me； I will never yieldNEVER；
NEVER！〃
〃Hav' suthin' to eat！〃 I pleasantly suggested。
〃Tripe and onions！〃 he sed furcely； then he added； 〃I eat with
you； but I hate you。 You're a low…lived Yankee！〃
To which I pleasantly replied； 〃How'l you have your tripe？〃
〃Fried； mudsill！ with plenty of ham…fat！〃
He et very ravenus。 Poor feller！ He had lived on odds and
ends for several days； eatin' crackers that had bin turned
over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar。
He got full at last； and his hart softened a little to'ards
me。 〃After all；〃 he sed； 〃you have sum people at the North
who air not wholly loathsum beasts？〃
〃Well； yes；〃 I sed； 〃we hav' now and then a man among us who
isn't a cold…bluded scoundril。 Young man；〃 I mildly but
gravely sed； 〃this crooil war is over； and you're lickt！ It's
rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square； lively
fite； and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States
of America。 You fit splendid； but we was too many for you。
Then make the best of it； & let us all give in and put the
Republic on a firmer basis nor ever。
〃I don't gloat over your misfortuns； my young fren'。 Fur from
it。 I'm a old man now； & my hart is softer nor it once was。
You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like
tears。 I'm thinkin' of the sea of good rich Blud that has
been spilt on both sides in this dredful war！ I'm thinkin' of
our widders and orfuns North； and of your'n in the South。 I
kin cry for both。 B'leeve me； my young fren'； I kin place my
old hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid
whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral
bullet； and say； as fervently and piously as a vener'ble
sinner like me kin say anythin'； God be good to you； my poor
dear； my poor dear。〃
I riz up to go； & takin' my young Southern fren' kindly by the
hand； I sed； 〃Yung man； adoo！ You Southern fellers is probly
my brothers； tho' you've occasionally had a cussed queer way
of showin' it！ It's over now。 Let us all line in and make a
country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe the cramp
in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us！ Adoo； adoo！〃
And as I am through； I likewise say adoo to you； jentle
reader； merely remarkin' that the Star…Spangled Banner is
wavin' round loose agin； and that there don't seem to be
anything the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite
cold。
Artemus Ward。
2。13。 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES。
FRIEND WALES；You remember me。 I saw you in Canady a few
years ago。 I remember you too。 I seldim forget a person。
I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis Alexandry； & ment ter
writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time； but I've bin
bildin a barn this summer； & hain't had no time to write
letters to folks。 Excoose me。
Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body
politic。 The body politic； in fack； is sick。 I sometimes
think it has got biles； friend Wales。
In my country we've got war； while your country； in
conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the 〃Alobarmy；〃 manetanes a
nootral position！
I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it。 Oh no； I
guess not！
Yes； Sir； we've got a war； and the troo Patrit has to make
sacrifisses； you bet。
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war； & I stand reddy
to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin
krusht。 And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud
my able…bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war。 I
think sumbody oughter be prosekooted； & it may as well be the
war as any body else。 When I git a goakin fit onto me it's no
use to try ter stop me。
You hearn about the draft； friend Wales； no doubt。 It caused
sum squirmin'； but it was fairly conducted； I think； for it
hit all classes。 It is troo that Wendill Phillips； who is a
American citizen of African scent； 'scaped； but so did
Vallandiggum； who is Conservativ； and who wus resuntly sent
South； tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe
had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him。
We hain't got any daily paper in our town； but we've got a
female sewin' circle； which ansers the same purpuss； and we
wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted。
One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was
the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him。 A few
able…bodid dead men was drafted； but whether their heirs will
have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question
for Whitin'； who 'pears to be tinkerin' up this draft bizniss
right smart。 I hope he makes good wages。
I think most of the conscrips in this place will go。 A fe