按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
Mrs。 Falconer saw that he still went away as he had been wont； and
instituted observations； the result of which was the knowledge that
he went to his own room。 Her heart smote her； and she saw that the
boy looked sad and troubled。 There was scarce room in her heart for
increase of love； but much for increase of kindness； and she did
increase it。 In truth； he needed the smallest crumb of comfort that
might drop from the table of God's 'feastful friends。'
Night after night he returned to the parlour cold to the very heart。
God was not to be found； he said then。 He said afterwards that
even then 'God was with him though he knew it not。'
For the very first night； the moment that he knelt and cried； 'O
Father in heaven； hear me； and let thy face shine upon me'like a
flash of burning fire the words shot from the door of his heart： 'I
dinna care for him to love me； gin he doesna love ilka body；' and no
more prayer went from the desolate boy that night； although he knelt
an hour of agony in the freezing dark。 Loyal to what he had been
taught； he struggled hard to reduce his rebellious will to what he
supposed to be the will of God。 It was all in vain。 Ever a voice
within himsurely the voice of that God who he thought was not
hearingtold him that what he wanted was the love belonging to his
human nature； his human needsnot the preference of a
court…favourite。 He had a dim consciousness that he would be a
traitor to his race if he accepted a love； even from God； given him
as an exception from his kind。 But he did not care to have such a
love。 It was not what his heart yearned for。 It was not love。 He
could not love such a love。 Yet he strove against it allfought
for religion against right as he could； struggled to reduce his
rebellious feelings； to love that which was unlovely； to choose that
which was abhorrent； until nature almost gave way under the effort。
Often would he sink moaning on the floor； or stretch himself like a
corpse； save that it was face downwards； on the boards of the
bedstead。 Night after night he returned to the battle； but with no
permanent success。 What a success that would have been！ Night
after night he came pale and worn from the conflict； found his
grandmother and Shargar composed； and in the quietness of despair
sat down beside them to his Latin version。
He little thought； that every night； at the moment when he stirred
to leave the upper room； a pale…faced； red…eyed figure rose from its
seat on the top of the stair by the door； and sped with long…legged
noiselessness to resume its seat by the grandmother before he should
enter。 Shargar saw that Robert was unhappy； and the nearest he
could come to the sharing of his unhappiness was to take his place
outside the door within which he had retreated。 Little； too； did
Shargar； on his part； think that Robert； without knowing it； was
pleading for him insidepleading for him and for all his race in
the weeping that would not be comforted。
Robert had not the vaguest fancy that God was with himthe spirit
of the Father groaning with the spirit of the boy in intercession
that could not be uttered。 If God had come to him then and
comforted him with the assurance of individual favourbut the very
supposition is a taking of his name in vainhad Robert found
comfort in the fancied assurance that God was his friend in
especial； that some private favour was granted to his prayers； that；
indeed； would have been to be left to his own inventions； to bring
forth not fruits meet for repentance； but fruits for which
repentance alone is meet。 But God was with him； and was indeed
victorious in the boy when he rose from his knees； for the last
time； as he thought； saying； 'I cannot yieldI will pray no
more。'With a burst of bitter tears he sat down on the bedside till
the loudest of the storm was over； then dried his dull eyes； in
which the old outlook had withered away； and trod unknowingly in the
silent footsteps of Shargar； who was ever one corner in advance of
him； down to the dreary lessons and unheeded prayers； but； thank
God； not to the sleepless night； for some griefs bring sleep the
sooner。
My reader must not mistake my use of the words especial and private；
or suppose that I do not believe in an individual relation between
every man and God； yes； a peculiar relation； differing from the
relation between every other man and God！ But this very
individuality and peculiarity can only be founded on the broadest
truths of the Godhood and the manhood。
Mrs。 Falconer； ere she went to sleep； gave thanks that the boys had
been at their prayers together。 And so； in a very deep sense； they
had。
And well they might have been； for Shargar was nearly as desolate as
Robert； and would certainly； had his mother claimed him now； have
gone on the tramp with her again。 Wherein could this civilized life
show itself to him better than that to which he had been born？ For
clothing he cared little； and he had always managed to kill his
hunger or thirst； if at longer intervals； then with greater
satisfaction。 Wherein is the life of that man who merely does his
eating and drinking and clothing after a civilized fashion better
than that of the gipsy or tramp？ If the civilized man is honest to
boot； and gives good work in return for the bread or turtle on which
he dines； and the gipsy； on the other hand； steals his dinner； I
recognize the importance of the difference； but if the rich man
plunders the community by exorbitant profits； or speculation with
other people's money； while the gipsy adds a fowl or two to the
produce of his tinkering； or； once again； if the gipsy is as honest
as the honest citizen； which is not so rare a case by any means as
people imagine； I return to my question： Wherein； I say； is the warm
house； the windows hung with purple； and the table covered with fine
linen； more divine than the tent or the blue sky； and the dipping in
the dish？ Why should not Shargar prefer a life with the mother God
had given him to a life with Mrs。 Falconer？ Why should he prefer
geography to rambling； or Latin to Romany？ His purposelessness and
his love for Robert alone kept him where he was。
The next evening； having given up his praying； Robert sat with his
Sallust before him。 But the fount of tears began to swell； and the
more he tried to keep it down； the more it went on swelling till his
throat was filled with a lump of pain。 He rose and left the room。
But he could not go near the garret。 That door too was closed。 He
opened the house door instead； and went out into the street。 There；
nothing was to be seen but faint blue air full of moonlight； solid
houses； and shining snow。 Bareheaded he wandered round the corner
of the house to the window whence first he had heard the sweet
sounds of the pianoforte。 The fire within lighted up the crimson
curtains； but no voice of music came forth。 The window was as dumb
as the pale； f