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where； in his days； dwelt two cruel giants； Pope and Pagan； who had
strewn the ground about their residence with the bones of
slaughtered pilgrims。 These vile old troglodytes are no longer
there； but in their deserted cave another terrible giant has thrust
himself； and makes it his business to seize upon honest travellers；
and fat them for his table with plentiful meals of smoke； mist；
moonshine； raw potatoes； and saw…dust。 He is a German by birth； and is
called Giant Transcendentalist； but as to his form； his features；
his substance； and his nature generally； it is the chief peculiarity
of this huge miscreant； that neither he for himself； nor anybody for
him； has ever been able to describe them。 As we rushed by the cavern's
mouth； we caught a hasty glimpse of him； looking somewhat like an
ill…proportioned figure； but considerably more like a heap of fog
and duskiness。 He shouted after us but in so strange a phraseology；
that we knew not what he meant； nor whether to be encouraged or
affrighted。
It was late in the day； when the train thundered into the ancient
city of Vanity； where Vanity Fair is still at the height of
prosperity； and exhibits an epitome of whatever is brilliant； gay； and
fascinating； beneath the sun。 As I purposed to make a considerable
stay here； it gratified me to learn that there is no longer the want
of harmony between the townspeople and pilgrims； which impelled the
former to such lamentably mistaken measures as the persecution of
Christian； and the fiery martyrdom of Faithful。 On the contrary； as
the new railroad brings with it great trade and a constant influx of
strangers； the lord of Vanity Fair is its chief patron； and the
capitalists of the city are among the largest stockholders。 Many
passengers stop to take their pleasure or make their profit in the
Fair； instead of going onward to the Celestial City。 Indeed； such
are the charms of the place； that people often affirm it to be the
true and only heaven； stoutly contending that there is no other；
that those who seek further are mere dreamers； and that； if the fabled
brightness of the Celestial City lay but a bare mile beyond the
gates of Vanity； they would not be fools enough to go thither。 Without
subscribing to these； perhaps； exaggerated encomiums； I can truly say；
that my abode in the city was mainly agreeable； and my intercourse
with the inhabitants productive of much amusement and instruction。
Being naturally of a serious turn； my attention was directed to the
solid advantages derivable from a residence here； rather than to the
effervescent pleasures； which are the grand object with too many
visitants。 The Christian reader； if he have no accounts of the city
later than Bunyan's time； will be surprised to hear that almost
every street has its church； and that the reverend clergy are
nowhere held in higher respect than at Vanity Fair。 And well do they
deserve such honorable estimation； for the maxims of wisdom and virtue
which fall from their lips； come from as deep a spiritual source；
and tend to as lofty a religious aim； as those of the sagest
philosophers of old。 In justification of this high praise； I need only
mention the names of the Rev。 Mr。 Shallow…deep； the Rev。 Mr。
Stumble…at…Truth； that fine old clerical character； the Rev。 Mr。
This…to…day； who expects shortly to resign his pulpit to the Rev。
Mr。 That…to…morrow； together with the Rev。 Mr。 Bewilderment； the
Rev。 Mr。 Clog…the…spirit； and； last and greatest； the Rev。 Dr。
Wind…of…doctrine。 The labors of these eminent divines are aided by
those of innumerable lecturers； who diffuse such a various profundity；
in all subjects of human or celestial science； that any man may
acquire an omnigenous erudition； without the trouble of even
learning to read。 Thus literature is etherealized by assuming for
its medium the human voice； and knowledge； depositing all its
heavier particles… except； doubtless； its gold… becomes exhaled into a
sound； which forthwith steals into the ever…open ear of the community。
These ingenious methods constitute a sort of machinery； by which
thought and study are done to every person's hand； without his putting
himself to the slightest inconvenience in the matter。 There is another
species of machine for the wholesale manufacture of individual
morality。 This excellent result is effected by societies for all
manner of virtuous purposes； with which a man has merely to connect
himself； throwing； as it were； his quota of virtue into the common
stock； and the president and directors will take care that the
aggregate amount be well applied。 All these； and other wonderful
improvements in ethics； religion； and literature； being made plain
to my comprehension； by the ingenious Mr。 Smooth…it…away； inspired
me with a vast admiration of Vanity Fair。
It would fill a volume； in an age of pamphlets； were I to record
all my observations in this great capital of human business and
pleasure。 There was an unlimited range of society… the powerful； the
wise； the witty； and the famous in every walk of life… princes；
presidents； poets； generals； artists； actors； and philanthropists； all
making their own market at the Fair； and deeming no price too
exorbitant for such commodities as hit their fancy。 It was well
worth one's while； even if he had no idea of buying or selling； to
loiter through the bazaars； and observe the various sorts of traffic
that were going forward。
Some of the purchasers； I thought； made very foolish bargains。
For instance； a young man having inherited a splendid fortune； laid
out a considerable portion of it in the purchase of diseases； and
finally spent all the rest for a heavy lot of repentance and a suit of
rags。 A very pretty girl bartered a heart as clear as crystal； and
which seemed her most valuable possession； for another jewel of the
same kind； but so worn and defaced as to be utterly worthless。 In
one shop； there were a great many crowns of laurel and myrtle； which
soldiers； authors； statesmen； and various other people； pressed
eagerly to buy； some purchased these paltry wreaths with their
lives； others by a toilsome servitude of years； and many sacrificed
whatever was most valuable； yet finally slunk away without the
crown。 There was a sort of stock or scrip； called Conscience； which
seemed to be in great demand； and would purchase almost anything。
Indeed； few rich commodities were to be obtained without paying a
heavy sum in this particular stock； and a man's business was seldom
very lucrative； unless he knew precisely when and how to throw his
hoard of Conscience into the market。 Yet as this stock was the only
thing of permanent value； whoever parted with it was sure to find
himself a loser； in the long run。 Several of the speculations were
of a questionable character。 Occasionally； a member of Congress
recruited his pocket by the sale of his constituents； and I was
assured that public officers have often sold their country at very
moderate prices。 Thousands sold their happiness for a whim。 Gilded
chains were in great demand； and purchased with