按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
express the marriage of their eyes with light； nor the kiss of
life laid upon their lips。 Yes； it was sound coming in the echo；
light flashing through the darkness； motion shaking the universe；
at least； it was rapid like all these things； but far more
beautiful； for it was the birth of the soul！ I comprehended then
that something； I knew not what； existed for me in the world；a
force nobler than thought； for it was all thoughts； all forces； it
was the future itself in a shared emotion。 I felt I was but half a
mother。 Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires
which slumbered there without my knowledge； suddenly I divined all
that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead； murmuring；
〃Poor Henriette！〃
When I returned to Clochegourde； the springtime； the first leaves；
the fragrance of the flowers； the white and fleecy clouds； the
Indre； the sky； all spoke to me in a language till then unknown。
If you have forgotten those terrible kisses； I have never been
able to efface them from my memory；I am dying of them！ Yes； each
time that I have met you since； their impress is revived。 I was
shaken from head to foot when I first saw you； the mere
presentiment of your coming overcame me。 Neither time nor my firm
will has enabled me to conquer that imperious sense of pleasure。 I
asked myself involuntarily； 〃What must be such joys？〃 Our mutual
looks； the respectful kisses you laid upon my hand； the pressure
of my arm on yours； your voice with its tender tones；all； even
the slightest things； shook me so violently that clouds obscured
my sight； the murmur of rebellious senses filled my ears。 Ah！ if
in those moments when outwardly I increased my coldness you had
taken me in your arms I should have died of happiness。 Sometimes I
desired it； but prayer subdued the evil thought。 Your name uttered
by my children filled my heart with warmer blood； which gave color
to my cheeks； I laid snares for my poor Madeleine to induce her to
say it； so much did I love the tumults of that sensation。 Ah！ what
shall I say to you？ Your writing had a charm； I gazed at your
letters as we look at a portrait。
If on that first day you obtained some fatal power over me；
conceive； dear friend； how infinite that power became when it was
given to me to read your soul。 What delights filled me when I
found you so pure； so absolutely truthful； gifted with noble
qualities； capable of noblest things； and already so tried！ Man
and child； timid yet brave！ What joy to find we both were
consecrated by a common grief！ Ever since that evening when we
confided our childhoods to each other； I have known that to lose
you would be death；yes； I have kept you by me selfishly。 The
certainty felt by Monsieur de la Berge that I should die if I lost
you touched him deeply； for he read my soul。 He knew how necessary
I was to my children and the count； he did not command me to
forbid you my house； for I promised to continue pure in deed and
thought。 〃Thought；〃 he said to me； 〃is involuntary； but it can be
watched even in the midst of anguish。〃 〃If I think；〃 I replied；
〃all will be lost； save me from myself。 Let him remain beside me
and keep me pure！〃 The good old man； though stern； was moved by my
sincerity。 〃Love him as you would a son； and give him your
daughter；〃 he said。 I accepted bravely that life of suffering that
I might not lose you； and I suffered joyfully； seeing that we were
called to bear the same yokeMy God！ I have been firm； faithful
to my husband； I have given you no foothold； Felix； in your
kingdom。 The grandeur of my passion has reacted on my character； I
have regarded the tortures Monsieur de Mortsauf has inflicted on
me as expiations； I bore them proudly in condemnation of my faulty
desires。 Formerly I was disposed to murmur at my life； but since
you entered it I have recovered some gaiety； and this has been the
better for the count。 Without this strength； which I derived
through you； I should long since have succumbed to the inward life
of which I told you。
If you have counted for much in the exercise of my duty so have my
children also。 I felt I had deprived them of something； and I
feared I could never do enough to make amends to them； my life was
thus a continual struggle which I loved。 Feeling that I was less a
mother； less an honest wife； remorse entered my heart； fearing to
fail in my obligations； I constantly went beyond them。 Often have
I put Madeleine between you and me； giving you to each other；
raising barriers between us；barriers that were powerless！ for
what could stifle the emotions which you caused me？ Absent or
present； you had the same power。 I preferred Madeleine to Jacques
because Madeleine was sometime to be yours。 But I did not yield
you to my daughter without a struggle。 I told myself that I was
only twenty…eight when I first met you； and you were nearly
twenty…two； I shortened the distance between us； I gave myself up
to delusive hopes。 Oh； Felix！ I tell you these things to save you
from remorse； also； perhaps； to show you that I was not cold and
insensible； that our sufferings were cruelly mutual； that Arabella
had no superiority of love over mine。 I too am the daughter of a
fallen race； such as men love well。
There came a moment when the struggle was so terrible that I wept
the long nights through； my hair fell off；you have it！ Do you
remember the count's illness？ Your nobility of soul far from
raising my soul belittled it。 Alas！ I dreamed of giving myself to
you some day as the reward of so much heroism； but the folly was a
brief one。 I laid it at the feet of God during the mass that day
when you refused to be with me。 Jacques' illness and Madeleine's
sufferings seemed to me the warnings of God calling back to Him
His lost sheep。
Then your lovewhich is so naturalfor that Englishwoman
revealed to me secrets of which I had no knowledge。 I loved you
better than I knew。 The constant emotions of this stormy life； the
efforts that I made to subdue myself with no other succor than
that religion gave me； all； all has brought about the malady of
which I die。 The terrible shocks I have undergone brought on
attacks about which I kept silence。 I saw in death the sole
solution of this hidden tragedy。 A lifetime of anger； jealousy；
and rage lay in those two months between the time my mother told
me of your relations with Lady Dudley； and your return to
Clochegourde。 I wished to go to Paris； murder was in my heart； I
desired that woman's death； I was indifferent to my children。
Prayer； which had hitherto been to me a balm； was now without
influence on my soul。 Jealousy made the breach through which death
has entered。 And yet I have kept a placid brow。 Yes； that period
of struggle was a secret between God and myself。 After your return
and when I saw that I was loved； even as I loved you； that nature
had betrayed me and not your thought； I wished to live；it was
then too late！ God had taken me under His protection；