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to you； for it is but a part of me that speaks at all。 Death has
already seized on something in me。 You have taken the mother from her
children； I now ask you to take her place to them。 You can； Jacques
and Madeleine love youas if you had always made them suffer。〃
〃Death！〃 I cried； frightened as I looked at her and beheld the fire of
her shining eyes； of which I can give no idea to those who have never
known their dear ones struck down by her fatal malady； unless I
compare those eyes to balls of burnished silver。 〃Die！〃 I said。
〃Henriette； I command you to live。 You used to ask an oath of me； I
now ask one of you。 Swear to me that you will send for Origet and obey
him in everything。〃
〃Would you oppose the mercy of God？〃 she said； interrupting me with a
cry of despair at being thus misunderstood。
〃You do not love me enough to obey me blindly； as that miserable Lady
Dudley does？〃
〃Yes； yes； I will do all you ask；〃 she cried； goaded by jealousy。
〃Then I stay；〃 I said； kissing her on the eyelids。
Frightened at the words； she escaped from my arms and leaned against a
tree； then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking
back。 But I followed her； she was weeping and praying。 When we reached
the lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully。 This submission
touched her。
〃I am yoursforever； and as you will；〃 I said； 〃for I love you as
your aunt loved you。〃
She trembled and wrung my hand。
〃One look；〃 I said； 〃one more； one last of our old looks！ The woman
who gives herself wholly；〃 I cried； my soul illumined by the glance
she gave me； 〃gives less of life and soul than I have now received。
Henriette； thou art my best…belovedmy only love。〃
〃I shall live！〃 she said； 〃but cure yourself as well。〃
That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms。 Thus I was
the plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described
to you； I was influenced by each alternately。 I loved an angel and a
demon； two women equally beautiful；one adorned with all the virtues
which we decry through hatred of our own imperfections； the other with
all the vices which we deify through selfishness。 Returning along that
avenue； looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf； as she
leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their
handkerchiefs； I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding
myself the arbiter of two such destinies； the glory； in ways so
different； of women so distinguished； proud of inspiring such great
passions that death must come to whichever I abandoned。 Ah！ believe
me； that passing conceit has been doubly punished！
I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await
the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette； for
she would ever love me。 Her harshness； her tears； her remorse； her
Christian resignation； were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that
could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine。 Walking slowly
down that pretty avenue and making these reflections； I was no longer
twenty…five； I was fifty years old。 A man passes in a moment； even
more quickly than a woman； from youth to middle age。 Though long ago I
drove these evil thoughts away from me； I was then possessed by them；
I must avow it。 Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the
Tuileries； to the king's cabinet。 Who could resist the polluting
spirit of Louis XVIII。？
When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the
twinkling of an eye； seeing that Henriette was still there； and alone！
I went to bid her a last farewell； bathed in repentant tears； the
cause of which she never knew。 Tears sincere indeed； given； although I
knew it not； to noble loves forever lost； to virgin emotionsthose
flowers of our life which cannot bloom again。 Later； a man gives
nothing； he receives； he loves himself in his mistress； but in youth
he loves his mistress in himself。 Later； we inoculate with our tastes；
perhaps our vices； the woman who loves us； but in the dawn of life she
whom we love conveys to us her virtues； her conscience。 She invites us
with a smile to the noble life； from her we learn the self…devotion
which she practises。 Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette。 Woe
to that other one who has never known a Lady Dudley。 The latter； if he
marries； will not be able to keep his wife； the other will be
abandoned by his mistress。 But joy to him who can find the two women
in one woman； happy the man； dear Natalie； whom you love。
After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more intimate than
ever。 Soon we insensibly abandoned all the conventional restrictions I
had carefully imposed； the strict observance of which often makes the
world forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed
herself。 Society； which delights in looking behind appearances；
sanctions much as soon as it knows the secrets they conceal。 Lovers
who live in the great world make a mistake in flinging down these
barriers exacted by the law of salons； they do wrong not to obey
scrupulously all conventions which the manners and customs of a
community impose；less for the sake of others than for their own。
Outward respect to be maintained； comedies to play； concealments to be
managed； all such strategy of love occupies the life； renews desire；
and protects the heart against the palsy of habit。 But all young
passions； being； like youth itself； essentially spendthrift； raze
their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting the timber。
Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas； and yielded to them
only to please me； she wished to exhibit me to the eyes of all Paris
as her 〃sposo。〃 She employed her powers of seduction to keep me under
her roof； for she was not content with a rumored scandal which； for
want of proof； was only whispered behind the fans。 Seeing her so happy
in committing an imprudence which frankly admitted her position； how
could I help believing in her love？
But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of illegal marriage than
despair seized upon me； I saw my life bound to a course in direct
defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette。
Thenceforth I lived in the sort of rage we find in consumptive
patients who； knowing their end is near； cannot endure that their
lungs should be examined。 There was no corner in my heart where I
could fly to escape suffering； an avenging spirit filled me
incessantly with thoughts on which I dared not dwell。 My letters to
Henriette depicted this moral malady and did her infinite harm。 〃At
the cost of so many treasures lost； I wished you to be at least
happy；〃 she wrote in the only answer I received。 But I was not happy。
Dear Natalie； happiness is absolute； it allows of no comparisons。 My
first ardor over； I necessarily compared the two women；a contrast I
had never yet studied。 In fact； all great passions press so strongly
on the character that at first they check its asperities and cover the
track of habits which constitute our defects and our better qualities。
But later； when two lovers are accustomed to each other； the features
of their moral physiognomies reappear； they mutually judge each other；
and