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heard my step and made me an imperious gesture； commanding me to leave
her。 I went up to her； my heart stabbed with fear； and tried to take
her handkerchief away by force。 Her face was bathed in tears and she
fled into her room； which she did not leave again until the hour for
evening prayer。 When that was over； I led her to the terrace and asked
the cause of her emotion； she affected a wild gaiety and explained it
by the news Monsieur Origet had given her。
〃Henriette； Henriette； you knew that news when I saw you weeping。
Between you and me a lie is monstrous。 Why did you forbid me to dry
your tears？ were they mine？〃
〃I was thinking；〃 she said； 〃that for me this illness has been a halt
in pain。 Now that I no longer fear for Monsieur de Mortsauf I fear for
myself。〃
She was right。 The count's recovery was soon attested by the return of
his fantastic humor。 He began by saying that neither the countess； nor
I； nor the doctor had known how to take care of him； we were ignorant
of his constitution and also of his disease； we misunderstood his
sufferings and the necessary remedies。 Origet； infatuated with his own
doctrines； had mistaken the case； he ought to have attended only to
the pylorus。 One day he looked at us maliciously； with an air of
having guessed our thoughts； and said to his wife with a smile； 〃Now；
my dear； if I had died you would have regretted me； no doubt； but pray
admit you would have been quite resigned。〃
〃Yes； I should have mourned you in pink and black； court mourning；〃
she answered laughing； to change the tone of his remarks。
But it was chiefly about his food； which the doctor insisted on
regulating； that scenes of violence and wrangling now took place；
unlike any that had hitherto occurred； for the character of the count
was all the more violent for having slumbered。 The countess； fortified
by the doctor's orders and the obedience of her servants； stimulated
too by me； who thought this struggle a good means to teach her to
exercise authority over the count； held out against his violence。 She
showed a calm front to his demented cries； and even grew accustomed to
his insulting epithets； taking him for what he was； a child。 I had the
happiness of at last seeing her take the reins in hand and govern that
unsound mind。 The count cried out； but he obeyed； and he obeyed all
the better when he had made an outcry。 But in spite of the evidence of
good results； Henriette often wept at the spectacle of this emaciated；
feeble old man； with a forehead yellower than the falling leaves； his
eyes wan； his hands trembling。 She blamed herself for too much
severity； and could not resist the joy she saw in his eyes when； in
measuring out his food； she gave him more than the doctor allowed。 She
was even more gentle and gracious to him than she had been to me； but
there were differences here which filled my heart with joy。 She was
not unwearying； and she sometimes called her servants to wait upon the
count when his caprices changed too rapidly； and he complained of not
being understood。
The countess wished to return thanks to God for the count's recovery；
she directed a mass to be said； and asked if I would take her to
church。 I did so； but I left her at the door； and went to see Monsieur
and Madame Chessel。 On my return she reproached me。
〃Henriette；〃 I said； 〃I cannot be false。 I will throw myself into the
water to save my enemy from drowning； and give him my coat to keep him
warm； I will forgive him； but I cannot forget the wrong。〃
She was silent； but she pressed my arm。
〃You are an angel； and you were sincere in your thanksgiving；〃 I said；
continuing。 〃The mother of the Prince of the Peace was saved from the
hands of an angry populace who sought to kill her； and when the queen
asked； 'What did you do？' she answered； 'I prayed for them。' Women are
ever thus。 I am a man； and necessarily imperfect。〃
〃Don't calumniate yourself；〃 she said； shaking my arm； 〃perhaps you
are more worthy than I。〃
〃Yes；〃 I replied； 〃for I would give eternity for a day of happiness；
and you〃
〃I！〃 she said haughtily。
I was silent and lowered my eyes to escape the lightning of hers。
〃There is many an I in me；〃 she said。 〃Of which do you speak？ Those
children；〃 pointing to Jacques and Madeleine； 〃are oneFelix；〃 she
cried in a heartrending voice； 〃do you think me selfish？ Ought I to
sacrifice eternity to reward him who devotes to me his life？ The
thought is dreadful； it wounds every sentiment of religion。 Could a
woman so fallen rise again？ Would her happiness absolve her？ These are
questions you force me to consider。Yes； I betray at last the secret
of my conscience； the thought has traversed my heart； often do I
expiate it by penance； it caused the tears you asked me to account for
yesterday〃
〃Do you not give too great importance to certain things which common
women hold at a high price； and〃
〃Oh！〃 she said； interrupting me； 〃do you hold them at a lower？〃
This logic stopped all argument。
〃Know this；〃 she continued。 〃I might have the baseness to abandon that
poor old man whose life I am； but； my friend； those other feeble
creatures there before us； Madeleine and Jacques； would remain with
their father。 Do you think； I ask you do you think they would be alive
in three months under the insane dominion of that man？ If my failure
of duty concerned only myself〃 A noble smile crossed her face。 〃But
shall I kill my children！ My God！〃 she exclaimed。 〃Why speak of these
things？ Marry； and let me die！〃
She said the words in a tone so bitter； so hollow； that they stifled
the remonstrances of my passion。
〃You uttered cries that day beneath the walnut…tree； I have uttered my
cries here beneath these alders； that is all；〃 I said； 〃I will be
silent henceforth。〃
〃Your generosity shames me；〃 she said； raising her eyes to heaven。
We reached the terrace and found the count sitting in a chair； in the
sun。 The sight of that sunken face； scarcely brightened by a feeble
smile； extinguished the last flames that came from the ashes。 I leaned
against the balustrade and considered the picture of that poor wreck；
between his sickly children and his wife； pale with her vigils； worn
out by extreme fatigue； by the fears； perhaps also by the joys of
these terrible months； but whose cheeks now glowed from the emotions
she had just passed through。 At the sight of that suffering family
beneath the trembling leafage through which the gray light of a cloudy
autumn sky came dimly； I felt within me a rupture of the bonds which
hold the body to the spirit。 There came upon me then that moral spleen
which； they say； the strongest wrestlers know in the crisis of their
combats； a species of cold madness which makes a coward of the bravest
man； a bigot of an unbeliever； and renders those it grasps indifferent
to all things； even to vital sentiments； to honor； to lovefor the
doubt it brings takes from us the knowledge of ourselves and disgusts
us with life itself。 Poor； nervous creatures； whom the very richness
of your organization delivers over to this mysterious； fatal power；
who are your peers and who your judges？ Horrified by the thoughts that
rose wit