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enigma。 I have ransacked many mysteries； I have discovered the reason
of many natural laws； the purport of some divine hieroglyphics； of the
meaning of this dark secret I know nothing。 I study it as I would the
form of an Indian weapon； the symbolic construction of which is known
only to the Brahmans。 In this dread mystery the spirit of Evil is too
visibly the master； I dare not lay the blame to God。 Anguish
irremediable； what power finds amusement in weaving you？ Can Henriette
and her mysterious philosopher be right？ Does their mysticism contain
the explanation of humanity？
The autumn leaves were falling during the last few days which I passed
in the valley； days of lowering clouds； which do sometimes obscure the
heaven of Touraine； so pure； so warm at that fine season。 The evening
before my departure Madame de Mortsauf took me to the terrace before
dinner。
〃My dear Felix；〃 she said； after we had taken a turn in silence under
the leafless trees； 〃you are about to enter the world； and I wish to
go with you in thought。 Those who have suffered much have lived and
known much。 Do not think that solitary souls know nothing of the
world； on the contrary； they are able to judge it。 Hear me： If I am to
live in and for my friend I must do what I can for his heart and for
his conscience。 When the conflict rages it is hard to remember rules；
therefore let me give you a few instructions； the warnings of a mother
to her son。 The day you leave us I shall give you a letter； a long
letter； in which you will find my woman's thoughts on the world； on
society； on men； on the right methods of meeting difficulty in this
great clash of human interests。 Promise me not to read this letter
till you reach Paris。 I ask it from a fanciful sentiment； one of those
secrets of womanhood not impossible to understand； but which we grieve
to find deciphered； leave me this covert way where as a woman I wish
to walk alone。〃
〃Yes； I promise it；〃 I said； kissing her hand。
〃Ah；〃 she added； 〃I have one more promise to ask of you； but grant it
first。〃
〃Yes； yes！〃 I cried； thinking it was surely a promise of fidelity。
〃It does not concern myself；〃 she said smiling； with some bitterness。
〃Felix； do not gamble in any house； no matter whose it be； I except
none。〃
〃I will never play at all；〃 I replied。
〃Good；〃 she said。 〃I have found a better use for your time than to
waste it on cards。 The end will be that where others must sooner or
later be losers you will invariably win。〃
〃How so？〃
〃The letter will tell you；〃 she said； with a playful smile； which took
from her advice the serious tone which might certainly have been that
of a grandfather。
The countess talked to me for an hour； and proved the depth of her
affection by the study she had made of my nature during the last three
months。 She penetrated the recesses of my heart； entering it with her
own； the tones of her voice were changeful and convincing； the words
fell from maternal lips； showing by their tone as well as by their
meaning how many ties already bound us to each other。
〃If you knew；〃 she said in conclusion； 〃with what anxiety I shall
follow your course； what joy I shall feel if you walk straight； what
tears I must shed if you strike against the angles！ Believe that my
affection has no equal； it is involuntary and yet deliberate。 Ah； I
would that I might see you happy； powerful； respected；you who are to
me a living dream。〃
She made me weep； so tender and so terrible was she。 Her feelings came
boldly to the surface； yet they were too pure to give the slightest
hope even to a young man thirsting for pleasure。 Ignoring my tortured
flesh； she shed the rays； undeviating； incorruptible； of the divine
love； which satisfies the soul only。 She rose to heights whither the
prismatic pinions of a love like mine were powerless to bear me。 To
reach her a man must needs have won the white wings of the seraphim。
〃In all that happens to me I will ask myself；〃 I said； 〃'What would my
Henriette say？'〃
〃Yes； I will be the star and the sanctuary both；〃 she said； alluding
to the dreams of my childhood。
〃You are my light and my religion；〃 I cried； 〃you shall be my all。〃
〃No；〃 she answered； 〃I can never be the source of your pleasures。〃
She sighed； the smile of secret pain was on her lips； the smile of the
slave who momentarily revolts。 From that day forth she was to me； not
merely my beloved； but my only love； she was not IN my heart as a
woman who takes a place； who makes it hers by devotion or by excess of
pleasure given； but she was my heart itself；it was all hers； a
something necessary to the play of my muscles。 She became to me as
Beatrice to the Florentine； as the spotless Laura to the Venetian； the
mother of great thoughts； the secret cause of resolutions which saved
me； the support of my future； the light shining in the darkness like a
lily in a wood。 Yes； she inspired those high resolves which pass
through flames； which save the thing in peril； she gave me a constancy
like Coligny's to vanquish conquerors； to rise above defeat； to weary
the strongest wrestler。
The next day； having breakfasted at Frapesle and bade adieu to my kind
hosts； I went to Clochegourde。 Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf had
arranged to drive with me to Tours； whence I was to start the same
night for Paris。 During the drive the countess was silent； she
pretended at first to have a headache； then she blushed at the
falsehood； and expiated it by saying that she could not see me go
without regret。 The count invited me to stay with them whenever； in
the absence of the Chessels； I might long to see the valley of the
Indre once more。 We parted heroically； without apparent tears； but
Jacques； who like other delicate children was quickly touched； began
to cry； while Madeleine； already a woman； pressed her mother's hand。
〃Dear little one！〃 said the countess； kissing Jacques passionately。
When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild； inexplicable desire
known only to young blood possessed me。 I hired a horse and rode from
Tours to Pont…de…Ruan in an hour and a quarter。 There； ashamed of my
folly； I dismounted； and went on foot along the road； stepping
cautiously like a spy till I reached the terrace。 The countess was not
there； and I imagined her ill； I had kept the key of the little gate；
by which I now entered； she was coming down the steps of the portico
with the two children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender
melancholy of the landscape； bathed at that moment in the setting sun。
〃Mother； here is Felix；〃 said Madeleine。
〃Yes；〃 I whispered； 〃it is I。 I asked myself why I should stay at
Tours while I still could see you； why not indulge a desire that in a
few days more I could not gratify。〃
〃He won't leave us again； mother；〃 cried Jacques； jumping round me。
〃Hush！〃 said Madeleine； 〃if you make such a noise the general will
come。〃
〃It is not right；〃 she said。 〃What folly！〃
The tears in her voice were the payment of what must be called a
usurious speculation of love。
〃I had forgotten to return this key；〃 I said smiling。
〃Then you will never return；〃 she said。
〃Can we ever be really parted