按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
to breathe in unison with thy breath。 How many prayers rose up to
heaven in that moment！ Since I did not die as I rushed through
space to ask of God that he would leave thee with me； no human
creature can die of joy nor yet of sorrow。 That moment has left
memories buried in my soul which never again will reappear upon
its surface and leave me tearless。 Yes； the fears with which my
soul was tortured yesterday are incomparably greater than all
sorrows that the future can bring upon me； just as the joys which
thou hast given me； dear eternal thought of my life！ will be
forever greater than any future joy God may be pleased to grant
me。 Thou hast made me comprehend the love divine； that sure love；
sure in strength and in duration； that knows no doubt or jealousy。
Deepest melancholy gnawed my soul； the glimpse into that hidden life
was agonizing to a young heart new to social emotions； it was an awful
thing to find this abyss at the opening of life；a bottomless abyss；
a Dead Sea。 This dreadful aggregation of misfortunes suggested many
thoughts； at my first step into social life I found a standard of
comparison by which all other events and circumstances must seem
petty。
The next day when I entered the salon she was there alone。 She looked
at me for a moment； held out her hand； and said； 〃My friend is always
too tender。〃 Her eyes grew moist； she rose； and then she added； in a
tone of desperate entreaty； 〃Never write thus to me again。〃
Monsieur de Mortsauf was very kind。 The countess had recovered her
courage and serenity； but her pallor betrayed the sufferings of the
previous night； which were calmed； but not extinguished。 That evening
she said to me； as she paced among the autumn leaves which rustled
beneath our footsteps； 〃Sorrow is infinite； joys are limited；〃words
which betrayed her sufferings by the comparison she made with the
fleeting delights of the previous week。
〃Do not slander life；〃 I said to her。 〃You are ignorant of love； love
gives happiness which shines in heaven。〃
〃Hush！〃 she said。 〃I wish to know nothing of it。 The Icelander would
die in Italy。 I am calm and happy beside you； I can tell you all my
thoughts； do not destroy my confidence。 Why will you not combine the
virtue of the priest with the charm of a free man。〃
〃You make me drink the hemlock！〃 I cried； taking her hand and laying
it on my heart； which was beating fast。
〃Again！〃 she said； withdrawing her hand as if it pained her。 〃Are you
determined to deny me the sad comfort of letting my wounds be stanched
by a friendly hand？ Do not add to my sufferings； you do not know them
all； those that are hidden are the worst to bear。 If you were a woman
you would know the melancholy disgust that fills her soul when she
sees herself the object of attentions which atone for nothing； but are
thought to atone for all。 For the next few days I shall be courted and
caressed； that I may pardon the wrong that has been done。 I could then
obtain consent to any wish of mine； however unreasonable。 I am
humiliated by his humility； by caresses which will cease as soon as he
imagines that I have forgotten that scene。 To owe our master's good
graces to his faults〃
〃His crimes！〃 I interrupted quickly。
〃Is not that a frightful condition of existence？〃 she continued； with
a sad smile。 〃I cannot use this transient power。 At such times I am
like the knights who could not strike a fallen adversary。 To see in
the dust a man whom we ought to honor； to raise him only to enable him
to deal other blows； to suffer from his degradation more than he
suffers himself； to feel ourselves degraded if we profit by such
influence for even a useful end； to spend our strength； to waste the
vigor of our souls in struggles that have no grandeur； to have no
power except for a moment when a fatal crisis comesah； better death！
If I had no children I would let myself drift on the wretched current
of this life； but if I lose my courage； what will become of them？ I
must live for them； however cruel this life may be。 You talk to me of
love。 Ah！ my dear friend； think of the hell into which I should fling
myself if I gave that pitiless being； pitiless like all weak
creatures； the right to despise me。 The purity of my conduct is my
strength。 Virtue； dear friend； is holy water in which we gain fresh
strength； from which we issue renewed in the love of God。〃
〃Listen to me； dear Henriette； I have only another week to stay here；
and I wish〃
〃Ah； you mean to leave us！〃 she exclaimed。
〃You must know what my father intends to do with me；〃 I replied。 〃It
is now three months〃
〃I have not counted the days；〃 she said； with momentary self…
abandonment。 Then she checked herself and cried； 〃Come； let us go to
Frapesle。〃
She called the count and the children； sent for a shawl； and when all
were ready she； usually so calm and slow in all her movements； became
as active as a Parisian； and we started in a body to pay a visit at
Frapesle which the countess did not owe。 She forced herself to talk to
Madame de Chessel； who was fortunately discursive in her answers。 The
count and Monsieur de Chessel conversed on business。 I was afraid the
former might boast of his carriage and horses； but he committed no
such solecisms。 His neighbor questioned him about his projected
improvements at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere。 I looked at the count；
wondering if he would avoid a subject of conversation so full of
painful memories to all； so cruelly mortifying to him。 On the
contrary； he explained how urgent a duty it was to better the
agricultural condition of the canton； to build good houses and make
the premises salubrious； in short； he glorified himself with his
wife's ideas。 I blushed as I looked at her。 Such want of scruple in a
man who； on certain occasions； could be scrupulous enough； this
oblivion of the dreadful scene； this adoption of ideas against which
he had fought so violently； this confident belief in himself；
petrified me。
When Monsieur de Chessel said to him； 〃Do you expect to recover your
outlay？〃
〃More than recover it！〃 he exclaimed； with a confident gesture。
Such contradictions can be explained only by the word 〃insanity。〃
Henriette； celestial creature； was radiant。 The count was appearing to
be a man of intelligence； a good administrator； an excellent
agriculturist； she played with her boy's curly head； joyous for him；
happy for herself。 What a comedy of pain； what mockery in this drama；
I was horrified by it。 Later in life； when the curtain of the world's
stage was lifted before me； how many other Mortsaufs I saw without the
loyalty and the religious faith of this man。 What strange； relentless
power is it that perpetually awards an angel to a madman； to a man of
heart； of true poetic passion； a base woman； to the petty； grandeur；
to this demented brain； a beautiful； sublime being； to Juana； Captain
Diard； whose history at Bordeaux I have told you； to Madame de
Beauseant； an Ajuda； to Madame d'Aiglemont； her husband； to the
Marquis d'Espard； his wife！ Long have I sought the meaning of this
enigma。 I have ransacked many mysteries； I have discovered the reason
of many natu