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but the first woman we love is the whole of womanhood； her children
are ours； her interests are our interests； her sorrows our greatest
sorrow； we love her gown； the familiar things about her； we are more
grieved by a trifling loss of hers than if we knew we had lost
everything。 This is the sacred love that makes us live in the being of
another； whereas later； alas！ we draw another life into ours； and
require a woman to enrich our pauper spirit with her young soul。
I was now one of the household； and I knew for the first time an
infinite sweetness； which to a nature bruised as mine was like a bath
to a weary body； the soul is refreshed in every fibre； comforted to
its very depths。 You will hardly understand me； for you are a woman；
and I am speaking now of a happiness women give but do not receive。 A
man alone knows the choice happiness of being； in the midst of a
strange household； the privileged friend of its mistress； the secret
centre of her affections。 No dog barks at you； the servants； like the
dogs； recognize your rights； the children （who are never misled； and
know that their power cannot be lessened； and that you cherish the
light of their life）； the children possess the gift of divination；
they play with you like kittens and assume the friendly tyranny they
show only to those they love； they are full of intelligent discretion
and come and go on tiptoe without noise。 Every one hastens to do you
service； all like you； and smile upon you。 True passions are like
beautiful flowers all the more charming to the eye when they grow in a
barren soil。
But if I enjoyed the delightful benefits of naturalization in a family
where I found relations after my own heart； I had also to pay some
costs for it。 Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less
restrained himself before me。 I had only seen his failings in the
mass； I was now to see the full extent of their application and
discover how nobly charitable the countess had been in the account she
had given me of these daily struggles。 I learned now all the angles of
her husband's intolerable nature； I heard his perpetual scolding about
nothing； complaints of evils of which not a sign existed； I saw the
inward dissatisfaction which poisoned his life； and the incessant need
of his tyrannical spirit for new victims。 When we went to walk in the
evenings he selected the way； but whichever direction we took he was
always bored； when we reached home he blamed others； his wife had
insisted on going where she wanted； why was he governed by her in all
the trifling things of life？ was he to have no will； no thought of his
own？ must he consent to be a cipher in his own house？ If his harshness
was to be received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a
limit to his power； he asked sharply if religion did not require a
wife to please her husband； and whether it was proper to despise the
father of her children？ He always ended by touching some sensitive
chord in his wife's mind； and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure
in making it sound。 Sometimes he tried gloomy silence and a morbid
depression； which always alarmed his wife and made her pay him the
most tender attentions。 Like petted children； who exercise their power
without thinking of the distress of their mother； he would let her
wait upon him as upon Jacques and Madeleine； of whom he was jealous。
I discovered at last that in small things as well as in great ones the
count acted towards his servants； his children； his wife； precisely as
he had acted to me about the backgammon。 The day when I understood；
root and branch； these difficulties； which like a rampant overgrowth
repressed the actions and stifled the breathing of the whole family；
hindered the management of the household and retarded the improvement
of the estate by complicating the most necessary acts； I felt an
admiring awe which rose higher than my love and drove it back into my
heart。 Good God！ what was I？ Those tears that I had taken on my lips
solemnized my spirit； I found happiness in wedding the sufferings of
that woman。 Hitherto I had yielded to the count's despotism as the
smuggler pays his fine； henceforth I was a voluntary victim that I
might come the nearer to her。 The countess understood me； allowed me a
place beside her； and gave me permission to share her sorrows； like
the repentant apostate； eager to rise to heaven with his brethren； I
obtained the favor of dying in the arena。
〃Were it not for you I must have succumbed under this life；〃 Henriette
said to me one evening when the count had been； like the flies on a
hot day； more stinging； venomous； and persistent than usual。
He had gone to bed。 Henriette and I remained under the acacias； the
children were playing about us； bathed in the setting sun。 Our few
exclamatory words revealed the mutuality of the thoughts in which we
rested from our common sufferings。 When language failed silence as
faithfully served our souls； which seemed to enter one another without
hindrance； together they luxuriated in the charms of pensive languor；
they met in the undulations of the same dream； they plunged as one
into the river and came out refreshed like two nymphs as closely
united as their souls could wish； but with no earthly tie to bind
them。 We entered the unfathomable gulf； we returned to the surface
with empty hands； asking each other by a look； 〃Among all our days on
earth will there be one for us？〃
In spite of the tranquil poetry of evening which gave to the bricks of
the balustrade their orange tones； so soothing and so pure； in spite
of the religious atmosphere of the hour； which softened the voices of
the children and wafted them towards us； desire crept through my veins
like the match to the bonfire。 After three months of repression I was
unable to content myself with the fate assigned me。 I took Henriette's
hand and softly caressed it； trying to convey to her the ardor that
invaded me。 She became at once Madame de Mortsauf； and withdrew her
hand； tears rolled from my eyes； she saw them and gave me a chilling
look； as she offered her hand to my lips。
〃You must know；〃 she said； 〃that this will cause me grief。 A
friendship that asks so great a favor is dangerous。〃
Then I lost my self…control； I reproached her； I spoke of my
sufferings； and the slight alleviation that I asked for them。 I dared
to tell her that at my age； if the senses were all soul still the soul
had a sex； that I could meet death； but not with closed lips。 She
forced me to silence with her proud glance； in which I seemed to read
the cry of the Mexican： 〃And I； am I on a bed of roses？〃 Ever since
that day by the gate of Frapesle； when I attributed to her the hope
that our happiness might spring from a grave； I had turned with shame
from the thought of staining her soul with the desires of a brutal
passion。 She now spoke with honeyed lip； and told me that she never
could be wholly mine； and that I ought to know it。 As she said the
words I know that in obeying her I dug an abyss between us。 I bowed my
head。 She went on； saying she had an inward religious certainty that
she might love me as a brother without offending God or man