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men of feeble mind； he listens too readily to his inferiors。 If I left
the house not a servant would be in it in a week's time。 So you see I
am attached to Clochegourde as those leaden finals are to our roof。 I
have no reserves with you。 The whole country…side is still ignorant of
the secrets of this house； but you know them； you have seen them。 Say
nothing but what is kind and friendly； and you shall have my esteem
my gratitude；〃 she added in a softer voice。 〃On those terms you are
welcome at Clochegourde； where you will find friends。〃
〃Ah！〃 I exclaimed； 〃I see that I have never really suffered； while
you〃
〃No； no！〃 she exclaimed； with a smile； that smile of all resigned
women which might melt a granite rock。 〃Do not be astonished at my
frank confidence； it shows you life as it is； not as your imagination
pictures it。 We all have our defects and our good qualities。 If I had
married a spendthrift he would have ruined me。 If I had given myself
to an ardent and pleasure…loving young man； perhaps I could not have
retained him； he might have left me； and I should have died of
jealousy。 For I am jealous！〃 she said； in a tone of excitement； which
was like the thunderclap of a passing storm。 〃But Monsieur de Mortsauf
loves me as much as he is capable of loving； all that his heart
contains of affection he pours at my feet； like the Magdalen's cup of
ointment。 Believe me； a life of love is an exception to the laws of
this earth； all flowers fade； great joys and emotions have a morrow of
evilif a morrow at all。 Real life is a life of anguish； its image is
in that nettle growing there at the foot of the wall；no sun can
reach it and it keeps green。 Yet； here； as in parts of the North；
there are smiles in the sky； few to be sure； but they compensate for
many a grief。 Moreover； women who are naturally mothers live and love
far more through sacrifices than through pleasures。 Here I draw upon
myself the storms I fear may break upon my children or my people； and
in doing so I feel a something I cannot explain； which gives me secret
courage。 The resignation of the night carries me through the day that
follows。 God does not leave me comfortless。 Time was when the
condition of my children filled me with despair； to…day as they
advance in life they grow healthier and stronger。 And then； after all；
our home is improved and beautified； our means are improving also。 Who
knows but Monsieur de Mortsauf's old age may be a blessing to me？ Ah；
believe me！ those who stand before the Great Judge with palms in their
hands； leading comforted to Him the beings who cursed their lives；
they； they have turned their sorrows into joy。 If my sufferings bring
about the happiness of my family； are they sufferings at all？〃
〃Yes；〃 I said； 〃they are； but they were necessary； as mine have been；
to make us understand the true flavor of the fruit that has ripened on
our rocks。 Now； surely； we shall taste it together； surely we may
admire its wonders； the sweetness of affection it has poured into our
souls； that inward sap which revives the searing leavesGood God！ do
you not understand me？〃 I cried； falling into the mystical language to
which our religious training had accustomed us。 〃See the paths by
which we have approached each other； what magnet led us through that
ocean of bitterness to these springs of running water； flowing at the
foot of those hills above the shining sands and between their green
and flowery meadows？ Have we not followed the same star？ We stand
before the cradle of a divine child whose joyous carol will renew the
world for us； teach us through happiness a love of life； give to our
nights their long…lost sleep； and to the days their gladness。 What
hand is this that year by year has tied new cords between us？ Are we
not more than brother and sister？ That which heaven has joined we must
not keep asunder。 The sufferings you reveal are the seeds scattered by
the sower for the harvest already ripening in the sunshine。 Shall we
not gather it sheaf by sheaf？ What strength is in me that I dare
address you thus！ Answer； or I will never again recross that river！〃
〃You have spared me the word LOVE；〃 she said； in a stern voice； 〃but
you have spoken of a sentiment of which I know nothing and which is
not permitted to me。 You are a child； and again I pardon you； but for
the last time。 Endeavor to understand； Monsieur； that my heart is； as
it were； intoxicated with motherhood。 I love Monsieur de Mortsauf
neither from social duty nor from a calculated desire to win eternal
blessings； but from an irresistible feeling which fastens all the
fibres of my heart upon him。 Was my marriage a mistake？ My sympathy
for misfortune led to it。 It is the part of women to heal the woes
caused by the march of events； to comfort those who rush into the
breach and return wounded。 How shall I make you understand me？ I have
felt a selfish pleasure in seeing that you amused him； is not that
pure motherhood？ Did I not make you see by what I owned just now； the
THREE children to whom I am bound； to whom I shall never fail； on whom
I strive to shed a healing dew and the light of my own soul without
withdrawing or adulterating a single particle？ Do not embitter the
mother's milk！ though as a wife I am invulnerable； you must never
again speak thus to me。 If you do not respect this command； simple as
it is； the door of this house will be closed to you。 I believed in
pure friendship； in a voluntary brotherhood； more real； I thought；
than the brotherhood of blood。 I was mistaken。 I wanted a friend who
was not a judge； a friend who would listen to me in those moments of
weakness when reproof is killing； a sacred friend from whom I should
have nothing to fear。 Youth is noble； truthful； capable of sacrifice；
disinterested； seeing your persistency in coming to us； I believed；
yes； I will admit that I believed in some divine purpose； I thought I
should find a soul that would be mine； as the priest is the soul of
all； a heart in which to pour my troubles when they deluged mine； a
friend to hear my cries when if I continued to smother them they would
strangle me。 Could I but have this friend； my life； so precious to
these children； might be prolonged until Jacques had grown to manhood。
But that is selfish！ The Laura of Petrarch cannot be lived again。 I
must die at my post； like a soldier； friendless。 My confessor is
harsh； austere； andmy aunt is dead。〃
Two large tears filled her eyes； gleamed in the moonlight； and rolled
down her cheeks； but I stretched my hand in time to catch them； and I
drank them with an avidity excited by her words； by the thought of
those ten years of secret woe； of wasted feelings； of constant care；
of ceaseless dreadyears of the lofty heroism of her sex。 She looked
at me with gentle stupefaction。
〃It is the first communion of love；〃 I said。 〃Yes； I am now a sharer
of your sorrows。 I am united to your soul as our souls are united to
Christ in the sacrament。 To love； even without hope； is happiness。 Ah！
what woman on earth could give me a joy equal to that of receiving
your tears！ I accept the contract which must end in suffering to
myself。 I give myself to you with no