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rebirth of her childhood's misery。 Like me； she had suffered under
trifles； mighty to souls whose limpid substance quivers to the least
shock； as a lake quivers on the surface and to its utmost depths when
a stone is flung into it。 When she married she possessed some girlish
savings； a little gold； the fruit of happy hours and repressed
fancies。 These； in a moment when they were needed； she gave to her
husband； not telling him they were gifts and savings of her own。 He
took no account of them； and never regarded himself her debtor。 She
did not even obtain the glance of thanks that would have paid for all。
Ah！ how she went from trial to trial！ Monsieur de Mortsauf habitually
neglected to give her money for the household。 When； after a struggle
with her timidity； she asked him for it； he seemed surprised and never
once spared her the mortification of petitioning for necessities。 What
terror filled her mind when the real nature of the ruined man's
disease was revealed to her； and she quailed under the first outbreak
of his mad anger！ What bitter reflections she had made before she
brought herself to admit that her husband was a wreck！ What horrible
calamities had come of her bearing children！ What anguish she felt at
the sight of those infants born almost dead！ With what courage had she
said in her heart： 〃I will breathe the breath of life into them； I
will bear them anew day by day！〃 Then conceive the bitterness of
finding her greatest obstacle in the heart and hand from which a wife
should draw her greatest succor！ She saw the untold disaster that
threatened him。 As each difficulty was conquered； new deserts opened
before her； until the day when she thoroughly understood her husband's
condition； the constitution of her children； and the character of the
neighborhood in which she lived； a day when （like the child taken by
Napoleon from a tender home） she taught her feet to trample through
mud and snow； she trained her nerves to bullets and all her being to
the passive obedience of a soldier。
These things； of which I here make a summary； she told me in all their
dark extent； with every piteous detail of conjugal battles lost and
fruitless struggles。
〃You would have to live here many months；〃 she said； in conclusion；
〃to understand what difficulties I have met with in improving
Clochegourde； what persuasions I have had to use to make him do a
thing which was most important to his interests。 You cannot imagine
the childish glee he has shown when anything that I advised was not at
once successful。 All that turned out well he claimed for himself。 Yes；
I need an infinite patience to bear his complaints when I am half…
exhausted in the effort to amuse his weary hours； to sweeten his life
and smooth the paths which he himself has strewn with stones。 The
reward he gives me is that awful cry： 'Let me die； life is a burden to
me！' When visitors are here and he enjoys them； he forgets his gloom
and is courteous and polite。 You ask me why he cannot be so to his
family。 I cannot explain that want of loyalty in a man who is truly
chivalrous。 He is quite capable of riding at full speed to Paris to
buy me a set of ornaments； as he did the other day before the ball。
Miserly in his household； he would be lavish upon me if I wished it。 I
would it were reversed； I need nothing for myself； but the wants of
the household are many。 In my strong desire to make him happy； and not
reflecting that I might be a mother； I began my married life by
letting him treat me as a victim； I； who at that time by using a few
caresses could have led him like a childbut I was unable to play a
part I should have thought disgraceful。 Now； however； the welfare of
my family requires me to be as calm and stern as the figure of Justice
and yet； I too have a heart that overflows with tenderness。〃
〃But why；〃 I said； 〃do you not use this great influence to master him
and govern him？〃
〃If it concerned myself only I should not attempt either to overcome
the dogged silence with which for days together he meets my arguments；
nor to answer his irrational remarks； his childish reasons。 I have no
courage against weakness； any more than I have against childhood； they
may strike me as they will； I cannot resist。 Perhaps I might meet
strength with strength； but I am powerless against those I pity。 If I
were required to coerce Madeleine in some matter that would save her
life； I should die with her。 Pity relaxes all my fibres and unstrings
my nerves。 So it is that the violent shocks of the last ten years have
broken me down； my feelings； so often battered； are numb at times；
nothing can revive them； even the courage with which I once faced my
troubles begins to fail me。 Yes； sometimes I am beaten。 For want of
restI mean reposeand sea…baths by which to recover my nervous
strength； I shall perish。 Monsieur de Mortsauf will have killed me；
and he will die of my death。〃
〃Why not leave Clochegourde for a few months？ Surely you could take
your children and go to the seashore。〃
〃In the first place； Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if
I left him。 Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of
it。 He is both sane and mad； two natures in one man； a contradiction
which explains many an irrational action。 Besides this； he would have
good reason for objecting。 Nothing would go right here if I were
absent。 You may have seen in me the mother of a family watchful to
protect her young from the hawk that is hovering over them； a weighty
task； indeed； but harder still are the cares imposed upon me by
Monsieur de Mortsauf； whose constant cry； as he follows me about is；
'Where is Madame？' I am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's governess； but
that is not all； I am bailiff and steward too。 You will understand
what that means when you come to see； as you will； that the working of
an estate in these parts is the most fatiguing of all employments。 We
get small returns in money； the farms are cultivated on shares； a
system which needs the closest supervision。 We are obliged ourselves
to sell our own produce； our cattle and harvests of all kinds。 Our
competitors in the markets are our own farmers； who meet consumers in
the wine…shops and determine prices by selling first。 I should weary
you if I explained the many difficulties of agriculture in this
region。 No matter what care I give to it； I cannot always prevent our
tenants from putting our manure upon their ground； I cannot be ever on
the watch lest they take advantage of us in the division of the crops；
neither can I always know the exact moment when sales should be made。
So； if you think of Monsieur de Mortsauf's defective memory； and the
difficulty you have seen me have in persuading him to attend to
business； you can understand the burden that is on my shoulders； and
the impossibility of my laying it down for a single day。 If I were
absent we should be ruined。 No one would obey Monsieur de Mortsauf。 In
the first place his orders are conflicting； then no one likes him； he
finds incessant fault； and he is very domineering。 Moreover； like all
men of feeble mind； he listens too readily to his inferiors。 If I left
the house not a s