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t you； according to the riches of His glory； to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man； that Christ may dwell in your heart by faith； that you； being rooted and grounded in love； may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth； and length； and depth； and height； and to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge； that you might be filled with the fullness of God。'
Thus solemn and thus ceremonious was my Father apt to become； without a moment's warning； on plain and domestic occasions； abruptly brimming over with emotion like a basin which an unseen flow of water has filled and over…filled。
I earnestly desire that no trace of that absurd self…pity which is apt to taint recollections of this nature should give falsity to mine。 My Father； let me say once more； had other interests than those of his religion。 In particular； at this time； he took to painting in water…colours in the open air； and he resumed the assiduous study of botany。 He was no fanatical monomaniac。 Nevertheless； there was； in everything he did and said； the central purpose present。 He acknowledged it plainly； 'with me；' he confessed； 'every question assumes a Divine standpoint and is not adequately answered if the judgement…seat of Christ is not kept in sight。'
This was maintained whether the subject under discussion was poetry； or society； or the Prussian war with Austria； or the stamen of a wild flower。 Once； at least； he was himself conscious of the fatiguing effect on my temper of this insistency； for； raising his great brown eyes with a flash of laughter in them； he closed the Bible suddenly after a very lengthy disquisition； and quoted his Virgil to startling effect：
Claudite jam rivos； pueri： Sat prata biberunt。
The insistency of his religious conversation was； probably； the less incomprehensible to me on account of the evangelical training to which I had been so systematically subjected。 It was； however； none the less intolerably irksome； and would have been exasperating； I believe； even to a nature in which a powerful and genuine piety was inherent。 To my own； in which a feeble and imitative faith was expiring； it was deeply vexatious。 It led； alas！ to a great deal of bowing in the house of Rimmon； to much hypocritical ingenuity in drawing my Father's attention away； if possible； as the terrible subject was seen to be looming and approaching。 In this my stepmother would aid and abet； sometimes producing incongruous themes； likely to attract my Father aside； with a skill worthy of a parlour conjurer； and much to my admiration。 If； however； she was not unwilling to come； in this way； to the support of my feebleness； there was no open collusion between us。 She always described my Father； when she was alone with me； admiringly； as one 'whose trumpet gave no uncertain sound'。 There was not a tinge of infidelity upon her candid mind； but she was human； and I think that now and then she was extremely bored。
My Father was entirely devoid of the prudence which turns away its eyes and passes as rapidly as possible in the opposite direction。 The peculiar kind of drama in which every sort of social discomfort is welcomed rather than that the characters should be happy when guilty of 'acting a lie'； was not invented in those days； and there can hardly be imagined a figure more remote from my Father than Ibsen。 Yet when I came； at a far later date； to read The Wild Duck； memories of the embarrassing household of my infancy helped me to realize Gregers Werle； with his determination to pull the veil of illusion away from every compromise that makes life bearable。
I was docile； I was plausible； I was anything but combative； if my Father could have persuaded himself to let me alone； if he could merely have been willing to leave my subterfuges and my explanations unanalysed； all would have been well。 But he refused to see any difference in temperament between a lad of twenty and a sage of sixty。 He had no vital sympathy for youth； which in itself had no charm for him。 He had no compassion for the weaknesses of immaturity； and his one and only anxiety was to be at the end of his spiritual journey； safe with me in the house where there are many mansions。 The incidents of human life upon the road to glory were less than nothing to him。
My Father was very fond of defining what was his own attitude at this time； and he was never tired of urging the same ambition upon me。 He regarded himself as the faithful steward of a Master who might return at any moment； and who would require to find everything ready for his convenience。 That master was God； with whom my Father seriously believed himself to be in relations much more confidential than those vouchsafed to ordinary pious persons。 He awaited； with anxious hope； 'the coming of the Lord'； an event which he still frequently believed to be imminent。 He would calculate； by reference to prophecies in the Old and New Testament； the exact date of this event； the date would pass； without the expected Advent； and he would be more than disappointed；he would be incensed。 Then he would understand that he must have made some slight error in calculation； and the pleasures of anticipation would recommence。
Me in all this he used as a kind of inferior coadjutor； much as a responsible and upper servant might use a footboy。 I； also； must be watching； it was not important that I should be seriously engaged in any affairs of my own。 I must be ready for the Master's coming； and my Father's incessant cross…examination was made in the spirit of a responsible servant who fidgets lest some humble but essential piece of household work has been neglected。
My holidays； however； and all my personal relations with my Father were poisoned by this insistency。 I was never at my ease in his company； I never knew when I might not be subjected to a series of searching questions which I should not be allowed to evade。 Meanwhile； on every other stage of experience I was gaining the reliance upon self and the respect for the opinion of others which come naturally to a young man of sober habits who earns his own living and lives his own life。 For this kind of independence my Father had no respect or consideration； when questions of religion were introduced； although he handsomely conceded it on other points。 And now first there occurred to me the reflection； which in years to come I was to repeat over and over； with an ever sadder emphasis；what a charming companion； what a delightful parent； what a courteous and engaging friend my Father would have been； and would pre…eminently have been to me； if it had not been for this stringent piety which ruined it all。
Let me speak plainly。 After my long experience； after my patience and forbearance； I have surely the right to protest against the untruth （would that I could apply to it any other word！） that evangelical religion； or any religion in a violent form； is a wholesome or valuable or desirable adjunct to human life。 It divides heart from heart。 It sets up a vain； chimerical ideal； in the barren pursuit of which all the tender； indulgent affections； all the genial play of life； all the exquisite pleasures and soft resignations of the body； all that enlarges