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on Miss Marks had a wild fit of hysterics； while I looked on； wholly unsympathetic and still deeply affronted。 She was right； I was cruel； alas！ but then； what a silly woman she had been！ The consequence was that she withdrew in a moist and quivering condition to her boudoir； where she had locked herself in when I； all smiles and caresses； was welcoming the bride and bridegroom on the doorstep as politely as if I had been a valued old family retainer。
My stepmother immediately became a great ally of mine。 She was never a tower of strength to me； but at least she was always a lodge in my garden of cucumbers。 She was a very well…meaning pious lady； but she was not a fanatic； and her mind did not naturally revel in spiritual aspirations。 Almost her only social fault was that she was sometimes a little fretful； this was the way in which her bruised individuality asserted itself。 But she was affectionate； serene； and above all refined。 Her refinement was extraordinarily pleasant to my nerves； on which much else in our surroundings jarred。
How life may have jarred； poor insulated lady； on her during her first experience of our life at the Room； I know not； but I think she was a philosopher。 She had； with surprising rashness； and in opposition to the wishes of every member of her own family； taken her cake； and now she recognized that she must eat it； to the last crumb。 Over her wishes and prejudices my Father exercised a constant； cheerful and quiet pressure。 He was never unkind or abrupt； but he went on adding avoirdupois until her will gave way under the sheer weight。 Even to public immersion； which； as was natural in a shy and sensitive lady of advancing years； she regarded with a horror which was long insurmountable；even to baptism she yielded； and my Father had the joy to announce to the Saints one Sunday morning at the breaking of bread that 'my beloved wife has been able at length to see the Lord's Will in the matter of baptism； and will testify to the faith which is in her on Thursday evening next。' No wonder my stepmother was sometimes fretful。
On the physical side； I owe her an endless debt of gratitude。 Her relations； who objected strongly to her marriage； had told her； among other pleasant prophecies； that 'the first thing you will have to do will be to bury that poor child'。 Under the old…world sway of Miss Marks； I had slept beneath a load of blankets； had never gone out save weighted with great coat and comforter； and had been protected from fresh air as if from a pestilence。 With real courage my stepmother reversed all this。 My bedroom window stood wide open all night long； wraps were done away with； or exchanged for flannel garments next the skin； and I was urged to be out and about as much as possible。
All the quidnuncs among the 'saints' shook their heads； Mary Grace Burmington； a little embittered by the downfall of her Marks； made a solemn remonstrance to my Father； who； however； allowed my stepmother to carry out her excellent plan。 My health responded rapidly to this change of regime； but increase of health did not bring increase of spirituality。 My Father； fully occupied with moulding the will and inflaming the piety of my stepmother； left me now； to a degree not precedented； inundisturbed possession of my own devices。 I did not lose my faith； but many other things took a prominent place in my mind。
It will； I suppose； be admitted that there is no greater proof of complete religious sincerity than fervour in private prayer。 If an individual； alone by the side of his bed； prolongs his intercessions； lingers wrestling with his divine Companion； and will not leave off until he has what he believes to be evidence of a reply to his entreatiesthen； no matter what the character of his public protestations； or what the frailty of his actions； it is absolutely certain that he believes in what he professes。
My Father prayed in private in what I may almost call a spirit of violence。 He entreated for spiritual guidance with nothing less than importunity。 It might be said that he stormed the citadels of God's grace； refusing to be baffled； urging his intercessions without mercy upon a Deity who sometimes struck me as inattentive to his prayers or wearied by them。 My Father's acts of supplication； as I used to witness them at night； when I was supposed to be asleep； were accompanied by stretchings out of the hands； by crackings of the joints of the fingers； by deep breathings； by murmurous sounds which seemed just breaking out of silence； like Virgil's bees out of the hive； 'magnis clamoribus'。 My Father fortified his religious life by prayer as an athlete does his physical life by lung…gymnastics and vigorous rubbings。
It was a trouble to my conscience that I could not emulate this fervour。 The poverty of my prayers had now long been a source of distress to me； but I could not discover how to enrich them。 My Father used to warn us very solemnly against 'lip…service'； by which he meant singing hymns of experience and joining in ministrations in which our hearts took no vital or personal part。 This was an outward act； the tendency of which I could well appreciate； but there was a 'lipservice' even more deadly than that； against which it never occurred to him to warn me。 It assailed me when I had come alone by my bedside； and had blown out the candle； and had sunken on my knees in my night…gown。 Then it was that my deadness made itself felt； in the mechanical address I put up； the emptiness of my language； the absence of all real unction。
I never could contrive to ask God for spiritual gifts in the same voice and spirit in which I could ask a human being for objects which I knew he could give me and which I earnestly desired to possess。 That sense of the reality of intercession was for ever denied me； and it was； I now see； the stigma of my want of faith。 But at the time； of course； I suspected nothing of the kind； and I tried to keep up my zeal by a desperate mental flogging； as if my soul had been a peg…top。
In nothing did I gain from the advent of my stepmother more than in the encouragement she gave to my friendships with a group of boys of my own age； of whom I had now lately formed the acquaintance。 These friendships she not merely tolerated； but fostered； it was even due to her kind arrangements that they took a certain set form； that our excursions started from this house or from that on regular days。 I hardly know by what stages I ceased to be a lonely little creature of mock…monographs and mud… pies； and became a member of a sort of club of eight or ten active boys。 The long summer holidays of 1861 were set in an enchanting brightness。
Looking back； I cannot see a cloud on the terrestrial horizonI see nothing but a blaze of sunshine； descents of slippery grass to moons of snow…white shingle； cold to the bare flesh； red promontories running out into a sea that was like sapphire； and our happy clan climbing； bathing； boating； lounging； chattering； all the hot day through。 Once more I have to record the fact； which I think is not without interest； that precisely as my life ceases to be solitary； it ceases to be distinct。 I have no difficulty in recalling； with the minuteness of a photograph；