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usly offended； and could stoop to revenge； because a little； nervous child of nine had disturbed a prayer by being frightened at a beetle。
The fact that the word 'Carmine' appeared as the goal of my visionary pursuits is not so inexplicable as it may seem。 My Father was at this time producing numerous water…colour drawings of minute and even of microscopic forms of life。 These he executed in the manner of miniature； with an amazing fidelity of form and with a brilliancy of colour which remains unfaded after fifty years。 By far the most costly of his pigments was the intense crimson which is manufactured out of the very spirit and； essence of cochineal。 I had lately become a fervent imitator of his works of art； and I was allowed to use all of his colours； except one； I was strictly forbidden to let a hair of my paint… brush touch the little broken mass of carmine which was all that he possessed。 We believed； but I do not know whether this could be the fact； that carmine of this superlative quality was sold at a guinea a cake。 'Carmine'； therefore； became my shibboleth of self…indulgence； it was a symbol of all that taste and art and wealth could combine to produce。 I imagined； for instance； that at Belshazzar's feast； the loftiest epergne of gold； surrounded by flowers and jewels； carried the monarch's proudest possession； a cake of carmine。 I knew of no object in the world of luxury more desirable than this； and its obsession in my waking hours is quite enough； I think； to account for 'carmine' having been the torment of my dreams。
The little incident of the beetle displays my Father's mood at this period in its worst light。 His severity was not very creditable； perhaps； to his good sense； but without a word of explanation it may seem even more unreasonable than it was。 My Father might have been less stern to my lapses from high conduct； and my own mind at the same time less armoured against his arrows； if our relations had been those which exist in an ordinary religious family。 He would have been more indulgent； and my own affections might nevertheless have been more easily alienated； if I had been treated by him as a commonplace child； standing as yet outside the pale of conscious Christianity。 But he had formed the idea； and cultivated it assiduously； that I was an ame d'elite； a being to whom the mysteries of salvation had been divinely revealed and by whom they had been accepted。 I was； to his partial fancy； one in whom the Holy Ghost had already performed a real and permanent work。 Hence； I was inside the pale； I had attained that inner position which divided； as we used to say； the Sheep from the Goats。 Another little boy might be very well…behaved； but if he had not consciously 'laid hold on Christ'； his good deeds； so far； were absolutely useless。 Whereas I might be a very naughty boy； and require much chastisement from God and man； but nothingso my Father thoughtcould invalidate my election； and sooner or later； perhaps even after many stripes； I must inevitably be brought back to a state of grace。
The paradox between this unquestionable sanctification by faith and my equally unquestionable naughtiness； occupied my Father greatly at this time。 He made it a frequent subject of intercession at family prayers； not caring to hide from the servants misdemeanours of mine； which he spread out with a melancholy unction before the Lord。 He cultivated the belief that all my little ailments； all my aches and pains； were sent to correct my faults。 He carried this persuasion very far； even putting this exhortation before； instead of after； an instant relief of my sufferings。 If I burned my finger with a sulphur match； or pinched the end of my nose in the door （to mention but two sorrows that recur to my memory）； my Father would solemnly ejaculate： ' Oh may these afflictions be much sanctified to him！' before offering any remedy for my pain。 So that I almost longed； under the pressure of these pangs； to be a godless child； who had never known the privileges of saving grace； since I argued that such a child would be subjected to none of the sufferings which seemed to assail my path。
What the ideas or conduct of 'another child' might be I had； however； at this time no idea； for； strange as it may sound； I had not； until my tenth year was far advanced； made acquaintance with any such creature。 The 'saints' had children； but I was not called upon to cultivate their company； and I had not the slightest wish to do so。 But early in 1859 I was allowed； at last； to associate with a child of my own age。 I do not recall that this permission gave me any rapture； I accepted it philosophically but without that delighted eagerness which I might have been expected to show。 My earliest companion； then； was a little boy of almost exactly my own age。 His name was Benny； which no doubt was short for Benjamin。 His surname was Jeffries； his motherI think he had no fatherwas a solemn and shadowy lady of means who lived in a villa； which was older and much larger than ours； on the opposite side of the road。 Going to 'play with Benny' involved a small public excursion； and this I was now allowed to make by myselfan immense source of self… respect。
Everything in my little memories seems to run askew； obviously I ought to have been extremely stirred and broadened by this earliest association with a boy of my own age！ Yet I cannot truly say that it was so。 Benny's mother possessed what seemed to me a vast domain； with lawns winding among broad shrubberies； and a kitchen…garden； with aged fruit…trees in it。 The ripeness of this place； mossed and leafy； was gratifying to my senses； on which the rawness of our own bald garden jarred。 There was an old brick wall between the two divisions； upon which it was possible for us to climb up； and from this we gained Pisgah…views which were a prodigious pleasure。 But I had not the faintest idea how to 'play'； I had never learned； had never heard of any 'games'。 I think Benny must have lacked initiative almost as much as I did。 We walked about； and shook the bushes； and climbed along the wall； I think that was almost all we ever did do。 And； sadly enough； I cannot recover a phrase from Benny's lips； nor an action； nor a gesture； although I remember quite clearly how some grown…up people of that time looked； and the very words they said。
For example； I recollect Miss Wilkes very distinctly； since I studied her with great deliberation； and with a suspicious watchfulness that was above my years。 In Miss Wilkes a type that had hitherto been absolutely unfamiliar to us obtruded upon our experience。 In our Eveless Eden； Woman； if not exactly hirsuta et horrida； had always been 'of a certain age'。 But Miss Wilkes was a comparatively young thing； and she advanced not by any means unconscious of her charms。 All was feminine； all was impulsive； about Miss Wilkes； every gesture seemed eloquent with girlish innocence and the playful dawn of life。 In actual years I fancy she was not so extremely youthful； since she was the responsible and trusted headmistress of a large boarding…school for girls； but in her heart the joy of life ran high。 Miss Wilkes had a small； round face； with melting eyes； and when she lifted her he