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benevolent and entirely disinterested one。 Such was the object of
some of those questions which I have received and answered。 There
are other cases； in which the brain…tapper is acting much as those
persons do who stop a physician in the street to talk with him about
their livers or stomachs； or other internal arrangements； instead of
going to his office and consulting him； expecting to pay for his
advice。 Others are more like those busy women who； having the
generous intention of making a handsome present to their pastor； at
as little expense as may be； send to all their neighbors and
acquaintances for scraps of various materials； out of which the
imposing 〃bedspread〃 or counterpane is to be elaborated。
That is all very well so long as old pieces of stuff are all they
call for； but it is a different matter to ask for clippings out of
new and uncut rolls of cloth。 So it is one thing to ask an author
for liberty to use extracts from his published writings； and it is a
very different thing to expect him to write expressly for the
editor's or compiler's piece of literary patchwork。
I have received many questions within the last year or two； some of
which I am willing to answer； but prefer to answer at my own time； in
my own way； through my customary channel of communication with the
public。 I hope I shall not be misunderstood as implying any reproach
against the inquirers who； in order to get at facts which ought to be
known； apply to all whom they can reach for information。 Their
inquisitiveness is not always agreeable or welcome； but we ought to
be glad that there are mousing fact…hunters to worry us with queries
to which； for the sake of the public； we are bound to give our
attention。 Let me begin with my brain…tappers。
And first； as the papers have given publicity to the fact that I； The
Dictator of this tea…table； have reached the age of threescore years
and twenty； I am requested to give information as to how I managed to
do it； and to explain just how they can go and do likewise。 I think
I can lay down a few rules that will help them to the desired result。
There is no certainty in these biological problems； but there are
reasonable probabilities upon which it is safe to act。
The first thing to be done is； some years before birth； to advertise
for a couple of parents both belonging to long…lived families。
Especially let the mother come of a race in which octogenarians and
nonagenarians are very common phenomena。 There are practical
difficulties in following out this suggestion； but possibly the
forethought of your progenitors； or that concurrence of circumstances
which we call accident； may have arranged this for you。
Do not think that a robust organization is any warrant of long life；
nor that a frail and slight bodily constitution necessarily means
scanty length of days。 Many a strong…limbed young man and many a
blooming young woman have I seen failing and dropping away in or
before middle life； and many a delicate and slightly constituted
person outliving the athletes and the beauties of their generation。
Whether the excessive development of the muscular system is
compatible with the best condition of general health is； I think；
more than doubtful。 The muscles are great sponges that suck up and
make use of large quantities of blood； and the other organs must be
liable to suffer for want of their share。
One of the Seven Wise Men of Greece boiled his wisdom down into two
words； NOTHING TOO MUCH。 It is a rule which will apply to food；
exercise； labor； sleep； and； in short； to every part of life。 This
is not so very difficult a matter if one begins in good season and
forms regular habits。 But what if I should lay down the rule； Be
cheerful； take all the troubles and trials of life with perfect
equanimity and a smiling countenance？ Admirable directions！ Your
friend； the curly…haired blonde； with florid complexion； round
cheeks； the best possible digestion and respiration； the stomach of
an ostrich and the lungs of a pearl…diver； finds it perfectly easy to
carry them into practice。 You； of leaden complexion； with black and
lank hair； lean； hollow…eyed； dyspeptic； nervous； find it not so easy
to be always hilarious and happy。 The truth is that the persons of
that buoyant disposition which comes always heralded by a smile； as a
yacht driven by a favoring breeze carries a wreath of sparkling foam
before her； are born with their happiness ready made。 They cannot
help being cheerful any more than their saturnine fellow…mortal can
help seeing everything through the cloud he carries with him。 I give
you the precept； then； Be cheerful； for just what it is worth； as I
would recommend to you to be six feet； or at least five feet ten； in
stature。 You cannot settle that matter for yourself； but you can
stand up straight； and give your five feet five its full value。
You can help along a little by wearing high…heeled shoes。 So you can
do something to encourage yourself in serenity of aspect and
demeanor； keeping your infirmities and troubles in the background
instead of making them the staple of your conversation。 This piece
of advice； if followed； may be worth from three to five years of the
fourscore which you hope to attain。
If； on the other hand； instead of going about cheerily in society；
making the best of everything and as far as possible forgetting your
troubles； you can make up your mind to economize all your stores of
vital energy； to hoard your life as a miser hoards his money； you
will stand a fair chance of living until you are tired of life；
fortunate if everybody is not tired of you。
One of my prescriptions for longevity may startle you somewhat。 It
is this： Become the subject of a mortal disease。 Let half a dozen
doctors thump you； and knead you； and test you in every possible way；
and render their verdict that you have an internal complaint； they
don't know exactly what it is； but it will certainly kill you by and
by。 Then bid farewell to the world and shut yourself up for an
invalid。 If you are threescore years old when you begin this mode of
life； you may very probably last twenty years； and there you are；an
octogenarian。 In the mean time； your friends outside have been
dropping off； one after another； until you find yourself almost
alone； nursing your mortal complaint as if it were your baby； hugging
it and kept alive by it；if to exist is to live。 Who has not seen
cases like this；a man or a woman shutting himself or herself up；
visited by a doctor or a succession of doctors （I remember that once；
in my earlier experience； I was the twenty…seventh physician who had
been consulted）； always taking medicine； until everybody was reminded
of that impatient speech of a relative of one of these invalid
vampires who live on the blood of tired…out attendants； 〃I do wish
she would get wellor something〃？ Persons who are shut up in that
way； confined to their chambe