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no excuse。 I can only repeat that I love you； and that I am
sorely afraid you don't love me。 And Miserrimus Dexter offers to
end my doubts by showing me the most secret thoughts of your
heart； in your own writing。
〃He is to be with me； for this purpose （while you are out）； some
time in the course of the next two hours I shall decline to be
satisfied with only once looking at your Diary； and I shall make
an appointment with him to bring it to me again at the same time
to…morrow。 Before then you will receive these lines by the hand
of my nurse。 Go out as usual after reading them； but return
privately； and unlock the table…drawer in which you keep your
book。 You will find it gone。 Post yourself quietly in the little
study； and you will discover the Diary （when Miserrimus Dexter
leaves me） in the hands of your friend。*
…
* Note by Mr。 Playmore：
The greatest difficulties of reconstruction occurred in this
first portion of the torn letter。 In the fourth paragraph from
the beginning we have been obliged to supply lost words in no
less than three places。 In the ninth； tenth； and seventeenth
paragraphs the same proceeding was； in a greater or less degree；
found to be necessary。 In all these cases the utmost pains have
been taken to supply the deficiency in exact accordance with what
appeared to be the meaning of the writer； as indicated in the
existing pieces of the manuscript。
…
〃October 20。
〃I have read your Diary。
〃At last I know what you really think of me。 I have read what
Miserrimus Dexter promised I should readthe confession of your
loathing for me； in your own handwriting。
〃You will not receive what I wrote to you yesterday at the time
or in the manner which I had proposed。 Long as my letter is； I
have still （after reading your Diary） some more words to add。
After I have closed and sealed the envelope； and addressed it to
you； I shall put it under my pillow。 It will be found there when
I am laid out for the graveand then； Eustace （when it is too
late for hope or help）； my letter will be given to you。
〃Yes： I have had enough of my life。 Yes： I mean to die。
〃I have already sacrificed everything but my life to my love for
you。 Now I know that my love is not returned； the last sacrifice
left is easy。 My death will set you free to marry Mrs。 Beauly。
〃You don't know what it cost me to control my hatred of her； and
to beg her to pay her visit here； without minding my illness。 I
could never have done it if I had not been so fond of you； and so
fearful of irritating you against me by showing my jealousy。 And
how did you reward me？ Let your Diary answer： 'I tenderly
embraced her this very morning； and I hope； poor soul； she did
not discover the effort that it cost me。'
〃Well； I have discovered it now。 I know that you privately think
your life with me 'a purgatory。' I know that you have
compassionately hidden from me the 'sense of shrinking that comes
over you when you are obliged to submit to my caresses。' I am
nothing but an obstaclean 'utterly distasteful'
obstaclebetween you and the woman whom you love so dearly that
you 'adore the earth which she touches with her foot。' Be it so！
I will stand in your way no longer。 It is no sacrifice and no
merit on my part。 Life is unendurable to me； now I know that the
man whom I love with all my heart and soul secretly shrinks from
me whenever I touch him。
〃I have got the means of death close at hand。
〃The arsenic that I twice asked you to buy for me is in my
dressing…case。 I deceived you when I mentioned some commonplace
domestic reasons for wanting it。 My true reason was to try if I
could not improve my ugly complexionnot from any vain feeling
of mine： only to make myself look better and more lovable in your
eyes。 I have taken some of it for that purpose； but I have got
plenty left to kill myself with。 The poison will have its use at
last。 It might have failed to improve my complexionit will not
fail to relieve you of your ugly wife。
〃Don't let me be examined after death。 Show this letter to the
doctor who attends me。 It will tell him that I have committed
suicide； it will prevent any innocent persons from being
suspected of poisoning me。 I want nobody to be blamed or
punished。 I shall remove the chemist's label； and carefully empty
the bottle containing the poison； so that he may not suffer on my
account。
〃I must wait here； and rest a little whilethen take up my
letter again。 It is far too long already。 But these are my
farewell words。 I may surely dwell a little on my last talk with
you！
〃October 21。 Two o'clock in the morning。
〃I sent you out of the room yesterday when you came in to ask how
I had passed the night。 And I spoke of you shamefully； Eustace；
after you had gone； to the hired nurse who attends on me。 Forgive
me。 I am almost beside myself now。 You know why。
〃Half…past three。
〃Oh； my husband； I have done the deed which will relieve you of
the wife whom you hate！ I have taken the poisonall of it that
was left in the paper packet； which was the first that I found。
If this is not enough to kill me； I have more left in the bottle。
〃Ten minutes past five。
〃You have just gone； after giving me my composing draught。 My
courage failed me at the sight of you。 I thought to myself； 'If
he look at me kindly； I will confess what I have done； and let
him save my life。' You never looked at me at all。 You only looked
at the medicine。 I let you go without saying a word。
〃Half…past five。
〃I begin to feel the first effects of the poison。 The nurse is
asleep at the foot of my bed。 I won't call for assistance； I
won't wake her。 I will die。
〃Half…past nine。
〃The agony was beyond my enduranceI awoke the nurse。 I have
seen the doctor。
〃Nobody suspects anything。 Strange to say； the pain has left me；
I have evidently taken too little of the poison。 I must open the
bottle which contains the larger quantity。 Fortunately； you are
not near memy resolution to die； or； rather； my loathing of
life； remains as bitterly unaltered as ever。 To make sure of my
courage； I have forbidden the nurse to send for you。 She has just
gone downstairs by my orders。 I am free to get the poison out of
my dressing…case。
〃Ten minutes to ten。
〃I had just time to hide the bottle （after the nurse had left me）
when you came into my room。
〃I had another moment of weakness when I saw you。 I determined to
give myself a last chance of life。 That is to say； I determined
to offer you a last opportunity of treating me kindly。 I asked
you to get me a cup of tea。 If； in paying me this little
attention； you only encouraged me by one fond word or one fond
look； I resolved not to take the second dose of poison。
〃You obeyed my wishes； but you were not kind。 You gave me my tea；
Eustace； as if you were giving a drink to your dog。 And then you
wondered in a languid way （thinking； I suppose； of Mrs。 Beauly
all the time）； at my dropping the cup in handing it back to you。
I really could not help it； my hand _would_ tremble。 In my place；
your hand might have trembled toowith the arsenic under the
bedclothes。 You politely hoped； before you wen