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days at Thornycroft to be convinced。 Mrs。 Heaven would be of use； but
she is dressing the Square Baby in the morning and putting him to bed at
night just at the hours when the feathered young things are undergoing the
same operation。
A Goose Girl； like a poet； is sometimes born； sometimes otherwise。 I
am of the born variety。 No training was necessary； I put my head on my
pillow as a complicated product of modern civilisation on a Tuesday night；
and on a Wednesday morning I awoke as a Goose Girl。
My destiny slumbered during the day； but at eight o'clock I heard a
terrific squawking in the direction of the duck…ponds； and； aimlessly
drifting in that direction； I came upon Phoebe trying to induce ducks and
drakes； geese and ganders； to retire for the night。 They have to be driven
into enclosures behind fences of wire netting； fastened into little rat…proof
boxes； or shut into separate coops； so as to be safe from their natural
enemies； the rats and foxes； which； obeying； I suppose； the law of supply
and demand； abound in this neighbourhood。 The old ganders are allowed
their liberty； being of such age； discretion； sagacity； and pugnacity that
they can be trusted to fight their own battles。
The intelligence of hens； though modest； is of such an order that it
prompts them to go to bed at a virtuous hour of their own accord； but
ducks and geese have to be materially assisted； or I believe they would
roam till morning。 Never did small boy detest and resist being carried off
to his nursery as these dullards； young and old； detest and resist being
driven to theirs。 Whether they suffer from insomnia； or nightmare； or
whether they simply prefer the sweet air of liberty （and death） to the odour
of captivity and the coop； I have no means of knowing。
Phoebe stood by one of the duck…ponds； a long pole in her hand； and a
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
helpless expression in that doughlike countenance of hers； where aimless
contours and features unite to make a kind of facial blur。 （What does the
carrier see in it？） The pole was not long enough to reach the ducks； and
Phoebe's method lacked spirit and adroitness； so that it was natural；
perhaps； that they refused to leave the water； the evening being warm； with
an uncommon fine sunset。
I saw the situation at once and ran to meet it with a glow of interest
and anticipation。 If there is anything in the world I enjoy； it is making
somebody do something that he doesn't want to do； and if； when victory
perches upon my banner； the somebody can be brought to say that he
ought to have done it without my making him； that adds the unforgettable
touch to pleasure； though seldom； alas！ does it happen。 Then ensued the
delightful and stimulating hour that has now become a feature of the day；
an hour in which the remembrance of the table…d'hote dinner at the Hydro；
going on at identically the same time； only stirs me to a keener joy and
gratitude。
The ducks swim round in circles； hide under the willows； and attempt
to creep into the rat…holes in the banks； a stupidity so crass that it merits
instant death； which it somehow always escapes。 Then they come out in
couples and waddle under the wrong fence into the lower meadow； fly
madly under the tool…house； pitch blindly in with the sitting hens； and out
again in short order； all the time quacking and squawking； honking and
hissing like a bewildered orchestra。 By dint of splashing the water with
poles； throwing pebbles； beating the shrubs at the pond's edges； 〃shooing〃
frantically with our skirts； crawling beneath bars to head them off； and
prodding them from under bushes to urge them on； we finally get the older
ones out of the water and the younger ones into some sort of relation to
their various retreats； but； owing to their lack of geography； hatred of
home； and general recalcitrancy； they none of them turn up in the right
place and have to be sorted out。 We uncover the top of the little house； or
the enclosure as it may be； or reach in at the door； and； seizing the
struggling victim； drag him forth and take him where he should have had
the wit to go in the first instance。 The weak ones get in with the strong
and are in danger of being trampled； two May goslings that look almost
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
full…grown have run into a house with a brood of ducklings a week old。
There are twenty…seven crowded into one coop； five in another； nineteen in
another； the gosling with one leg has to come out； and the duckling
threatened with the gapes； their place is with the 〃invaleeds；〃 as Phoebe
calls them； but they never learn the location of the hospital； nor have the
slightest scruple about spreading contagious diseases。
Finally； when we have separated and sorted exhaustively； an operation
in which Phoebe shows a delicacy of discrimination and a fearlessness of
attack amounting to genius； we count the entire number and find several
missing。 Searching for their animate or inanimate bodies； we 〃scoop〃
one from under the tool…house； chance upon two more who are being
harried and pecked by the big geese in the lower meadow； and discover
one sailing by himself in solitary splendour in the middle of the deserted
pond； a look of evil triumph in his bead…like eye。 Still we lack one young
duckling； and he at length is found dead by the hedge。 A rat has
evidently seized him and choked him at a single throttle； but in such haste
that he has not had time to carry away the tiny body。
〃Poor think！〃 says Phoebe tearfully； 〃it looks as if it was 'it with some
kind of a wepping。 I don't know whatever to do with the rats； they're
gettin' that fearocious！〃
Before I was admitted into daily contact with the living goose （my
previous intercourse with him having been carried on when gravy and
stuffing obscured his true personality）； I thought him a very Dreyfus
among fowls； a sorely slandered bird； to whom justice had never