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order to justify this sort of deed。 I knew that they had done this
expressly； deliberately。 But at the moment when head and body were
severed； and fell into the trough； I groaned； and apprehended； not
with my mind； but with my heart and my whole being； that all the
arguments which I had heard anent the death…penalty were arrant
nonsense； that； no matter how many people might assemble in order to
perpetrate a murder； no matter what they might call themselves；
murder is murder； the vilest sin in the world； and that that crime
had been committed before my very eyes。 By my presence and non…
interference； I had lent my approval to that crime； and had taken
part in it。 So now； at the sight of this hunger； cold； and
degradation of thousands of persons； I understood not with my mind；
but with my heart and my whole being； that the existence of tens of
thousands of such people in Moscow； while I and other thousands dined
on fillets and sturgeon； and covered my horses and my floors with
cloth and rugs；no matter what the wise ones of this world might say
to me about its being a necessity；was a crime； not perpetrated a
single time； but one which was incessantly being perpetrated over and
over again； and that I； in my luxury； was not only an accessory； but
a direct accomplice in the matter。 The difference for me between
these two impressions was this； that I might have shouted to the
assassins who stood around the guillotine； and perpetrated the
murder； that they were committing a crime； and have tried with all my
might to prevent the murder。 But while so doing I should have known
that my action would not prevent the murder。 But here I might not
only have given sbiten and the money which I had with me； but the
coat from my back； and every thing that was in my house。 But this I
had not done； and therefore I felt； I feel； and shall never cease to
feel； myself an accomplice in this constantly repeated crime； so long
as I have superfluous food and any one else has none at all； so long
as I have two garments while any one else has not even one。＇ ｛5｝
CHAPTER III。
That very evening； on my return from the Lyapinsky house； I related
my impressions to a friend。 The friend； an inhabitant of the city；
began to tell me； not without satisfaction； that this was the most
natural phenomenon of town life possible； that I only saw something
extraordinary in it because of my provincialism； that it had always
been so； and always would be so； and that such must be and is the
inevitable condition of civilization。 In London it is even worse。
Of course there is nothing wrong about it； and it is impossible to be
displeased with it。 I began to reply to my friend； but with so much
heat and ill…temper； that my wife ran in from the adjoining room to
inquire what had happened。 It appears that； without being conscious
of it myself； I had been shouting； with tears in my voice； and
flourishing my hands at my friend。 I shouted： 〃It's impossible to
live thus； impossible to live thus； impossible！〃 They made me feel
ashamed of my unnecessary warmth； they told me that I could not talk
quietly about any thing； that I got disagreeably excited； and they
proved to me； especially； that the existence of such unfortunates
could not possibly furnish any excuse for imbittering the lives of
those about me。
I felt that this was perfectly just； and held my peace； but in the
depths of my soul I was conscious that I was in the right； and I
could not regain my composure。
And the life of the city； which had； even before this； been so
strange and repellent to me； now disgusted me to such a degree； that
all the pleasures of a life of luxury； which had hitherto appeared to
me as pleasures； become tortures to me。 And try as I would； to
discover in my own soul any justification whatever for our life； I
could not； without irritation； behold either my own or other people's
drawing…rooms； nor our tables spread in the lordly style； nor our
equipages and horses； nor shops； theatres； and assemblies。 I could
not behold alongside these the hungry； cold； and down…trodden
inhabitants of the Lyapinsky house。 And I could not rid myself of
the thought that these two things were bound up together； that the
one arose from the other。 I remember； that； as this feeling of my
own guilt presented itself to me at the first blush； so it persisted
in me； but to this feeling a second was speedily added which
overshadowed it。
When I mentioned my impressions of the Lyapinsky house to my nearest
friends and acquaintances； they all gave me the same answer as the
first friend at whom I had begun to shout； but； in addition to this；
they expressed their approbation of my kindness of heart and my
sensibility； and gave me to understand that this sight had so
especially worked upon me because I； Lyof Nikolaevitch； was very kind
and good。 And I willingly believed this。 And before I had time to
look about me； instead of the feeling of self…reproach and regret；
which I had at first experienced； there came a sense of satisfaction
with my own kindliness； and a desire to exhibit it to people。
〃It really must be；〃 I said to myself； 〃that I am not especially
responsible for this by the luxury of my life； but that it is the
indispensable conditions of existence that are to blame。 In truth； a
change in my mode of life cannot rectify the evil which I have seen：
by altering my manner of life； I shall only make myself and those
about me unhappy； and the other miseries will remain the same as
ever。 And therefore my problem lies not in a change of my own life；
as it had first seemed to me； but in aiding； so far as in me lies； in
the amelioration of the situation of those unfortunate beings who
have called forth my compassion。 The whole point lies here；that I
am a very kind； amiable man； and that I wish to do good to my
neighbors。〃 And I began to think out a plan of beneficent activity；
in which I might exhibit my benevolence。 I must confess； however；
that while devising this plan of beneficent activity； I felt all the
time； in the depths of my soul； that that was not the thing； but； as
often happens； activity of judgment and imagination drowned that
voice of conscience within me。 At that juncture； the census came up。
This struck me as a means for instituting that benevolence in which I
proposed to exhibit my charitable disposition。 I knew of many
charitable institutions and societies which were in existence in
Moscow； but all their activity seemed to me both wrongly directed and
insignificant in comparison with what I intended to do。 And I
devised the following scheme： to arouse the sympathy of the wealthy
for the poverty of the city； to collect money； to get people together
who were desirous of assisting in this matter； and to visit all the
refuges of poverty in company with the census； and； in addition to
the work of the census； to enter into communion with the unfortunate；
to learn the particulars of their necessities； and to assist them
with money； with work； by sending them away from Moscow； by placing
their children in school； and the old people in hospitals and
asylums。 And not only that