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several rubles； you must give them if you have them。 This is an act
of courtesy and not of charity。＇ ｛16｝
This was the case in question： I have already mentioned the two
peasants with whom I was in the habit of sawing wood three yeans ago。
One Saturday evening at dusk； I was returning to the city in their
company。 They were going to their employer to receive their wages。
As we were crossing the Dragomilovsky bridge； we met an old man。 He
asked alms； and I gave him twenty kopeks。 I gave； and reflected on
the good effect which my charity would have on Semyon； with whom I
had been conversing on religious topics。 Semyon； the Vladimir
peasant； who had a wife and two children in Moscow； halted also；
pulled round the skirt of his kaftan； and got out his purse； and from
this slender purse he extracted； after some fumbling； three kopeks；
handed it to the old man； and asked for two kopeks in change。 The
old man exhibited in his hand two three…kopek pieces and one kopek。
Semyon looked at them； was about to take the kopek； but thought
better of it； pulled off his hat； crossed himself； and walked on；
leaving the old man the three…kopek piece。
I was fully acquainted with Semyon's financial condition。 He had no
property at home at all。 The money which he had laid by on the day
when he gave three kopeks amounted to six rubles and fifty kopeks。
Accordingly； six rubles and twenty kopeks was the sum of his savings。
My reserve fund was in the neighborhood of six hundred thousand。 I
had a wife and children； Semyon had a wife and children。 He was
younger than I； and his children were fewer in number than mine； but
his children were small； and two of mine were of an age to work； so
that our position； with the exception of the savings； was on an
equality； mine was somewhat the more favorable； if any thing。 He
gave three kopeks； I gave twenty。 What did he really give； and what
did I really give？ What ought I to have given； in order to do what
Semyon had done？ he had six hundred kopeks； out of this he gave one；
and afterwards two。 I had six hundred thousand rubles。 In order to
give what Semyon had given； I should have been obliged to give three
thousand rubles； and ask for two thousand in change； and then leave
the two thousand with the old man； cross myself； and go my way；
calmly conversing about life in the factories； and the cost of liver
in the Smolensk market。
I thought of this at the time； but it was only long afterwards that I
was in a condition to draw from this incident that deduction which
inevitably results from it。 This deduction is so uncommon and so
singular； apparently； that； in spite of its mathematical
infallibility； one requires time to grow used to it。 It does seem as
though there must be some mistake； but mistake there is none。 There
is merely the fearful mist of error in which we live。
＇This deduction； when I arrived at it； and when I recognized its
undoubted truth； furnished me with an explanation of my shame in the
presence of the cook's wife； and of all the poor people to whom I had
given and to whom I still give money。
What； in point of fact； is that money which I give to the poor； and
which the cook's wife thought I was giving to her？ In the majority
of cases； it is that portion of my substance which it is impossible
even to express in figures to Semyon and the cook's wife；it is
generally one millionth part or about that。 I give so little that
the bestowal of any money is not and cannot be a deprivation to me；
it is only a pleasure in which I amuse myself when the whim seizes
me。 And it was thus that the cook's wife understood it。 If I give
to a man who steps in from the street one ruble or twenty kopeks； why
should not I give her a ruble also？ In the opinion of the cook's
wife； such a bestowal of money is precisely the same as the flinging
of honey…cakes to the people by gentlemen； it furnishes the people
who have a great deal of superfluous cash with amusement。 I was
mortified because the mistake made by the cook's wife demonstrated to
me distinctly the view which she； and all people who are not rich；
must take of me： 〃He is flinging away his folly； i。e。； his unearned
money。〃
As a matter of fact； what is my money； and whence did it come into my
possession？ A portion of it I accumulated from the land which I
received from my father。 A peasant sold his last sheep or cow in
order to give the money to me。 Another portion of my money is the
money which I have received for my writings； for my books。 If my
books are hurtful； I only lead astray those who purchase them； and
the money which I receive for them is ill…earned money； but if my
books are useful to people； then the issue is still more disastrous。
I do not give them to people： I say； 〃Give me seventeen rubles； and
I will give them to you。〃 And as the peasant sells his last sheep；
in this case the poor student or teacher； or any other poor man；
deprives himself of necessaries in order to give me this money。 And
so I have accumulated a great deal of money in that way； and what do
I do with it？ I take that money to the city； and bestow it on the
poor； only when they fulfil my caprices； and come hither to the city
to clean my sidewalk； lamps； and shoes； to work for me in factories。
And in return for this money； I force from them every thing that I
can； that is to say； I try to give them as little as possible； and to
receive as much as possible from them。 And all at once I begin；
quite unexpectedly； to bestow this money as a simple gift； on these
same poor persons； not on all； but on those to whom I take a fancy。
Why should not every poor person expect that it is quite possible
that the luck may fall to him of being one of those with whom I shall
amuse myself by distributing my superfluous money？ And so all look
upon me as the cook's wife did。
And I had gone so far astray that this taking of thousands from the
poor with one hand； and this flinging of kopeks with the other； to
those to whom the whim moved me to give； I called good。 No wonder
that I felt ashamed。＇ ｛17｝
Yes； before doing good it was needful for me to stand outside of
evil； in such conditions that I might cease to do evil。 But my whole
life is evil。 I may give away a hundred thousand rubles； and still I
shall not be in a position to do good because I shall still have five
hundred thousand left。 Only when I have nothing shall I be in a
position to do the least particle of good； even as much as the
prostitute did which she nursed the sick women and her child for
three days。 And that seemed so little to me！ And I dared to think
of good myself！ That which； on the first occasion； told me； at the
sight of the cold and hungry in the Lyapinsky house； that I was to
blame for this； and that to live as I live is impossible； and
impossible； and impossible；that alone was true。
What； then； was I to do？
CHAPTER XVI。
It was hard for me to come to this confession； but when I had come to
it I was shocked at the error in which I had been living。 I stood up
to my ears in the mud； and yet I wanted to drag others out of this
mud。
What is it that I wish in re