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of view。 Among the phenomena which particularly impressed me； during
the period of my charitable activity； there was yet another； and a
very strange one； for which I could for a long time find no
explanation。 It was this： every time that I chanced； either on the
street on in the house； to give some small coin to a poor man；
without saying any thing to him； I saw； or thought that I saw；
contentment and gratitude on the countenance of the poor man； and I
myself experienced in this form of benevolence an agreeable
sensation。 I saw that I had done what the man wished and expected
from me。 But if I stopped the poor man； and sympathetically
questioned him about his former and his present life； I felt that it
was no longer possible to give three or twenty kopeks； and I began to
fumble in my purse for money； in doubt as to how much I ought to
give； and I always gave more； and I always noticed that the poor man
left me dissatisfied。 But if I entered into still closer intercourse
with the poor man； then my doubts as to how much to give increased
also； and； no matter how much I gave； the poor man grew ever more
sullen and discontented。 As a general rule； it always turned out
thus； that if I gave； after conversation with a poor man； three
rubles or even more； I almost always beheld gloom； displeasure； and
even ill…will； on the countenance of the poor man； and I have even
known it to happen； that； having received ten rubles； he went off
without so much as saying 〃Thank you；〃 exactly as though I had
insulted him。
And thereupon I felt awkward and ashamed； and almost guilty。 But if
I followed up a poor man for weeks and months and years； and assisted
him； and explained my views to him； and associated with him； our
relations became a torment； and I perceived that the man despised me。
And I felt that he was in the right。
If I go out into the street； and he； standing in that street； begs of
me among the number of the other passers…by； people who walk and ride
past him； and I give him money； I then am to him a passer…by； and a
good； kind passer…by； who bestows on him that thread from which a
shirt is made for the naked man； he expects nothing more than the
thread； and if I give it he thanks me sincerely。 But if I stop him；
and talk with him as man with man； I thereby show him that I desire
to be something more than a mere passer…by。 If； as often happens； he
weeps while relating to me his woes； then he sees in me no longer a
passer…by； but that which I desire that he should see： a good man。
But if I am a good man； my goodness cannot pause at a twenty…kopek
piece； nor at ten rubles； nor at ten thousand； it is impossible to be
a little bit of a good man。 Let us suppose that I have given him a
great deal； that I have fitted him out； dressed him； set him on his
feet so that the can live without outside assistance； but for some
reason or other； though misfortune or his own weakness or vices； he
is again without that coat； that linen； and that money which I have
given him； he is again cold and hungry； and he has come again to me；…
…how can I refuse him？ ＇For if the cause of my action consisted in
the attainment of a definite； material end； on giving him so many
rubles or such and such a coat I might be at ease after having
bestowed them。 But the cause of my action is not this： the cause
is； that I want to be a good man； that is to say； I want to see
myself in every other man。 Every man understands goodness thus； and
in no other manner。＇ ｛15｝ And therefore； if he should drink away
every thing that you had given him twenty times； and if he should
again be cold and hungry； you cannot do otherwise than give him more；
if you are a good man； you can never cease giving to him； if you have
more than he has。 And if you draw back； you will thereby show that
every thing that you have done； you have done not because you are a
good man； but because you wished to appear a good man in his sight；
and in the sight of men。
And thus in the case with the men from whom I chanced to recede； to
whom I ceased to give； and； by this action； denied good； I
experienced a torturing sense of shame。
What sort of shame was this？ This shame I had experienced in the
Lyapinsky house； and both before and after that in the country； when
I happened to give money or any thing else to the poor； and in my
expeditions among the city poor。
A mortifying incident that occurred to me not long ago vividly
reminded me of that shame； and led me to an explanation of that shame
which I had felt when bestowing money on the poor。
＇This happened in the country。 I wanted twenty kopeks to give to a
poor pilgrim； I sent my son to borrow them from some one； he brought
the pilgrim a twenty…kopek piece； and told me that he had borrowed it
from the cook。 A few days afterwards some more pilgrims arrived； and
again I was in want of a twenty…kopek piece。 I had a ruble； I
recollected that I was in debt to the cook； and I went to the
kitchen； hoping to get some more small change from the cook。 I said：
〃I borrowed a twenty…kopek piece from you； so here is a ruble。〃 I
had not finished speaking； when the cook called in his wife from
another room： 〃Take it； Parasha；〃 said he。 I； supposing that she
understood what I wanted； handed her the ruble。 I must state that
the cook had only lived with me a week； and； though I had seen his
wife； I had never spoken to her。 I was just on the point of saying
to her that she was to give me some small coins； when she bent
swiftly down to my hand； and tried to kiss it； evidently imaging that
I had given her the ruble。 I muttered something； and quitted the
kitchen。 I was ashamed； ashamed to the verge of torture； as I had
not been for a long time。 I shrank together； I was conscious that I
was making grimaces； and I groaned with shame as I fled from the
kitchen。 This utterly unexpected； and； as it seemed to me； utterly
undeserved shame； made a special impression on me； because it was a
long time since I had been mortified； and because I； as an old man；
had so lived； it seemed to me； that I had not merited this shame。 I
was forcibly struck by this。 I told the members of my household
about it； I told my acquaintances； and they all agreed that they
should have felt the same。 And I began to reflect： why had this
caused me such shame？ To this； something which had happened to me in
Moscow furnished me with an answer。
I meditated on that incident； and the shame which I had experienced
in the presence of the cook's wife was explained to me； and all those
sensations of mortification which I had undergone during the course
of my Moscow benevolence； and which I now feel incessantly when I
have occasion to give any one any thing except that petty alms to the
poor and to pilgrims； which I have become accustomed to bestow； and
which I consider a deed not of charity but of courtesy。 If a man
asks you for a light； you must strike a match for him； if you have
one。 If a man asks for three or for twenty kopeks； or even for
several rubles； you must give them if you have them。 This is an act
of courtesy and not of charity。＇ ｛16｝
This was the case in ques