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suggested the waiter。 〃Yes； that would do。 Sometimes she has
nothing to eat。 Yes； but then she tipples。〃〃Well； what of that？
That makes no difference。〃〃Well； Sidoron Ivanovitch has children。
He would do。〃 But Ivan Fedotitch had his doubts about Sidoron
Ivanovitch also。 〃Akulina shall have some。 There； now； give
something to the blind。〃 To this I responded。 I saw him at once。
He was a blind old man of eighty years； without kith or kin。 It
seemed as though no condition could be more painful； and I went
immediately to see him。 He was lying on a feather…bed； on a high
bedstead； drunk； and； as he did not see me； he was scolding his
comparatively youthful female companion in a frightful bass voice；
and in the very worst kind of language。 They also summoned an
armless boy and his mother。 I saw that Ivan Fedotitch was in great
straits； on account of his conscientiousness； for me knew that
whatever was given would immediately pass to his tavern。 But I had
to get rid of my thirty…two rubles； so I insisted； and in one way and
another； and half wrongfully to boot； we assigned and distributed
them。 Those who received them were mostly well dressed； and we had
not far to go to find them； as they were there in the tavern。 The
armless boy appeared in wrinkled boots； and a red shirt and vest。
With this my charitable career came to an end； and I went off to the
country； irritated at others； as is always the case； because I myself
had done a stupid and a bad thing。 My benevolence had ended in
nothing； and it ceased altogether； but the current of thoughts and
feelings which it had called up with me not only did not come to an
end； but the inward work went on with redoubled force。
CHAPTER XII。
What was its nature？
I had lived in the country； and there I was connected with the rustic
poor。 Not out of humility； which is worse than pride； but for the
sake of telling the truth； which is indispensable for the
understanding of the whole course of my thoughts and sentiments； I
will say that in the country I did very little for the poor； but the
demands which were made upon me were so modest that even this little
was of use to the people； and formed around me an atmosphere of
affection and union with the people； in which it was possible to
soothe the gnawing sensation of remorse at the independence of my
life。 On going to the city； I had hoped to be able to live in the
same manner。 But here I encountered want of an entirely different
sort。 City want was both less real； and more exacting and cruel；
than country poverty。 But the principal point was； that there was so
much of it in one spot； that it produced on me a frightful
impression。 The impression which I experienced in the Lyapinsky
house had； at the very first； made me conscious of the deformity of
my own life。 This feeling was genuine and very powerful。 But；
notwithstanding its genuineness and power； I was； at that time； so
weak that I feared the alteration in my life to which this feeling
commended me； and I resorted to a compromise。 I believed what
everybody told me； and everybody has said； ever since the world was
made；that there is nothing evil in wealth and luxury； that they are
given by God； that one may continue to live as a rich man； and yet
help the needy。 I believed this； and I tried to do it。 I wrote an
essay； in which I summoned all rich people to my assistance。 The
rich people all acknowledged themselves morally bound to agree with
me； but evidently they either did not wish to do any thing； or they
could not do any thing or give any thing to the poor。 I began to
visit the poor； and I beheld what I had not in the least expected。
On the one hand； I beheld in those dens； as I called them； people
whom it was not conceivable that I should help； because they were
working people； accustomed to labor and privation； and therefore
standing much higher and having a much firmer foothold in life than
myself； on the other hand； I saw unfortunate people whom I could not
aid because they were exactly like myself。 The majority of the
unfortunates whom I saw were unhappy only because they had lost the
capacity； desire； and habit of earning their own bread； that is to
say； their unhappiness consisted in the fact that they were precisely
such persons as myself。
I found no unfortunates who were sick； hungry； or cold； to whom I
could render immediate assistance； with the solitary exception of
hungry Agafya。 And I became convinced； that； on account of my
remoteness from the lives of those people whom I desired to help； it
would be almost impossible to find any such unfortunates； because all
actual wants had already been supplied by the very people among whom
these unfortunates live； and； most of all； I was convinced that money
cannot effect any change in the life led by these unhappy people。
I was convinced of all this； but out of false shame at abandoning
what I had once undertaken； because of my self…delusion as a
benefactor； I went on with this matter for a tolerably long time；
and would have gone on with it until it came to nothing of itself；
so that it was with the greatest difficulty that； with the help of
Ivan Fedotitch； I got rid； after a fashion； as well as I could； in
the tavern of the Rzhanoff house； of the thirty…seven rubles which I
did not regard as belonging to me。
Of course I might have gone on with this business； and have made out
of it a semblance of benevolence； by urging the people who had
promised me money； I might have collected more； I might have
distributed this money； and consoled myself with my charity； but I
perceived； on the one hand； that we rich people neither wish nor are
able to share a portion of our a superfluity with the poor （we have
so many wants of our own）； and that money should not be given to any
one； if the object really be to do good and not to give money itself
at haphazard； as I had done in the Rzhanoff tavern。 And I gave up
the whole thing； and went off to the country with despair in my
heart。
In the country I tried to write an essay about all this that I had
experienced； and to tell why my undertaking had not succeeded。 I
wanted to justify myself against the reproaches which had been made
to me on the score of my article on the census； I wanted to convict
society of its in difference； and to state the causes in which this
city poverty has its birth； and the necessity of combating it； and
the means of doing so which I saw。
I began this essay at once； and it seemed to me that in it I was
saying a very great deal that was important。 But toil as I would
over it； and in spite of the abundance of materials； in spite of the
superfluity of them even； I could not get though that essay； and so I
did not finish it until the present year； because of the irritation
under the influence of which I wrote； because I had not gone through
all that was requisite in order to bear myself properly in relation
to this essay； because I did not simply and clearly acknowledge the
cause of all this；a very simple cause； which had its root in
myself。
In the domain of morals； one very remarkable and too little noted
phenomenon pre