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How Ethel was to take care of him she did not know； she could only
keep a heedful eye on him； and rejoice when he took Tom out for a
long walka companion certainly not likely to promote the working of
the brainbut though it was in the opposite direction to Cocksmoor；
Tom came home desperately cross； snubbed Gertrude； and fagged Aubrey；
but； then； as Blanche observed； perhaps that was only because his
trousers were splashed。
In her next solitary walk to Cocksmoor； Norman joined Ethel。 She was
gratified； but she could not think of one safe word worth saying to
him； and for a mile they preserved an absolute silence； until he
first began； 〃Ethel； I have been thinking〃
〃That you have！〃 said she； between hope and dread； and the thrill of
being again treated as his friend。
〃I want to consult you。 Don't you think now that Richard is settled
at home； and if Tom will study medicine； that I could be spared。〃
〃Spared！〃 exclaimed Ethel。 〃You are not much at home。〃
〃I meant more than my present absences。 It is my earnest wish〃 he
paused； and the continuation took her by surprise。 〃Do you think it
would give my father too much pain to part with me as a missionary to
New Zealand？〃
She could only gaze at him in mute amazement。
〃Do you think he could bear it？〃 said Norman hastily。
〃He would consent；〃 she replied。 〃Oh； Norman； it is the most
glorious thing man can do！ How I wish I could go with you。〃
〃Your mission is here；〃 said Norman affectionately。
〃I know it isI am contented with it；〃 said Ethel； 〃but oh！ Norman；
after all our talks about races and gifts； you have found the more
excellent way。〃
〃Hush！ Charity finds room at home； and mine are not such unmixed
motives as yours。〃
She made a sound of inquiry。
〃I cannot tell you all。 Some you shall hear。 I am weary of this
feverish life of competition and controversy〃
〃I thought you were so happy with your fellowship。 I thought Oxford
was your delight。〃
〃She will always be nearer my heart than any place； save this。 It is
not her fault that I am not like the simple and dutiful； who are not
fretted or perplexed。〃
〃Perplexed？〃 repeated Ethel。
〃It is not so now；〃 he replied。 〃God forbid！ But where better men
have been led astray； I have been bewildered； till； Ethel； I have
felt as if the ground were slipping from beneath my feet； and I have
only been able to hide my eyes； and entreat that I might know the
truth。〃
〃You knew it！〃 said Ethel； looking pale； and gazing searchingly at
him。
〃I did； I do； but it was a time of misery when； for my presumption； I
suppose； I was allowed to doubt whether it were the truth。〃
Ethel recoiled； but came nearer； saying； very low； 〃It is past。〃
〃Yes； thank Him who is Truth。 You all saved me； though you did not
know it。〃
〃When was this？〃 she asked timidly。
〃The worst time was before the Long Vacation。 They told me I ought
to read this book and that。 Harvey Anderson used to come primed with
arguments。 I could always overthrow them； but when I came to glory
in doing so； perhaps I prayed less。 Anyway； they left a sting。 It
might be that I doubted my own sincerity； from knowing that I had got
to argue； chiefly because I liked to be looked on as a champion。〃
Ethel saw the truth of what her friend had said of the morbid habit
of self…contemplation。
〃I read； and I mystified myself。 The better I talked； the more my
own convictions failed me； and； by the time you came up to Oxford； I
knew how you would have shrunk from him who was your pride； if you
could have seen into the secrets beneath。〃
Ethel took hold of his hand。 〃You seemed bright；〃 she said。
〃It melted like a bad dream beforebefore the humming…bird； and with
my father。 It was weeks ere I dared to face the subject again。〃
〃How could you？ Was it safe？〃
〃I could not have gone on as I was。 Sometimes the sight of my
father； or the mountains and lakes in Scotland； ororthings at the
Grange； would bring peace back； but there were dark hours； and I knew
that there could be no comfort till I had examined and fought it
out。〃
〃I suppose examination was right；〃 said Ethel； 〃for a man； and
defender of the faith。 I should only have tried to pray the terrible
thought away。 But I can't tell how it feels。〃
〃Worse than you have power to imagine；〃 said Norman； shuddering。 〃It
is over now。 I worked out their fallacies； and went over the
reasoning on our side。〃
〃And prayed〃 said Ethel。
〃Indeed I did； and the confidence returned； firmer； I hope； than
ever。 It had never gone for a whole day。〃
Ethel breathed freely。 〃It was life or death；〃 she said； 〃and we
never knew it！〃
〃Perhaps not； but I know your prayers were angel…wings ever round me。
And far more than argument； was the thought of my father's heart…
whole Christian love and strength。〃
〃Norman； you believed； all the time； with your heart。 This was only
a bewilderment of your intellect。〃
〃I think you are right；〃 said Norman。 〃To me the doubt was cruel
agonynot the amusement it seems to some。〃
〃Because our dear home has made the truth； our joy； our union；〃 said
Ethel。 〃And you are sure the cloud is gone； and for ever？〃 she still
asked anxiously。
He stood still。 〃For ever； I trust；〃 he said。 〃I hold the faith of
my childhood in all its fullness as surely asas ever I loved my
mother and Harry。〃
〃I know you do；〃 said Ethel。 〃It was only a bad dream。〃
〃I hope I may be forgiven for it；〃 said Norman。 〃I do not know how
far it was sin。 It was gone so far as that my mind was convinced
last Christmas； but the shame and sting remained。 I was not at peace
again till the news of this spring came； and brought； with the grief；
this compensationthat I could cast behind me and forget the
criticisms and doubts that those miserable debates had connected with
sacred words。〃
〃You will be the sounder for having fought the fight；〃 said Ethel。
〃I do not dread the like shocks；〃 said her brother； 〃but I long to
leave this world of argument and discussion。 It is right that there
should be a constant defence and battle； but I am not fit for it。 I
argue for my own triumph； and； in heat and harassing； devotion is
lost。 Besides； the comparison of intellectual power has been my bane
all my life。〃
〃I thought 'praise was your penance here。'〃
〃I would fain render it so； butin short； I must be away from it
all； and go to the simplest； hardest work； beginning from the
rudiments； and forgetting subtle arguments。〃
〃Forgetting yourself；〃 said Ethel。
〃Right。 I want to have no leisure to think about myself；〃 said
Norman。 〃I am never so happy as at such times。〃
〃And you want to find work so far away？〃
〃I cannot help feeling drawn towards those southern seas。 I am glad
you can give me good…speed。 But what do you think about my father？〃
Ethel thought and thought。 〃I know he would not hinder you；〃 she
repeated。
〃But you dread the pain for him？ I had talked to Tom about taking
his profession； but the poor boy thinks he dislikes it greatly；
though； I believe； his real taste lies that way； and his aversion
only arises a few grand notions he has picked up； out of which