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contemporary conditions。 I do not think my lot was a very
exceptional one。 I missed the chance of sisters and girl playmates；
but that is not an uncommon misadventure in an age of small
families； I never came to know any woman at all intimately until I
was married to Margaret。 My earlier love affairs were encounters of
sex； under conditions of furtiveness and adventure that made them
things in themselves； restricted and unilluminating。 From a boyish
disposition to be mystical and worshipping towards women I had
passed into a disregardful attitude； as though women were things
inferior or irrelevant； disturbers in great affairs。 For a time
Margaret had blotted out all other women； she was so different and
so near； she was like a person who stands suddenly in front of a
little window through which one has been surveying a crowd。 She
didn't become womankind for me so much as eliminate womankind from
my world。 。 。 。 And then came this secret separation。 。 。 。
Until this estrangement and the rapid and uncontrollable development
of my relations with Isabel which chanced to follow it； I seemed to
have solved the problem of women by marriage and disregard。 I
thought these things were over。 I went about my career with
Margaret beside me； her brow slightly knit； her manner faintly
strenuous； helping； helping； and if we had not altogether abolished
sex we had at least so circumscribed and isolated it that it would
not have affected the general tenor of our lives in the slightest
degree if we had。
And then； clothing itself more and more in the form of Isabel and
her problems； this old； this fundamental obsession of my life
returned。 The thing stole upon my mind so that I was unaware of its
invasion and how it was changing our long intimacy。 I have already
compared the lot of the modern publicist to Machiavelli writing in
his study； in his day women and sex were as disregarded in these
high affairs as； let us say； the chemistry of air or the will of the
beasts in the fields； in ours the case has altogether changed； and
woman has come now to stand beside the tall candles； half in the
light； half in the mystery of the shadows； besetting； interrupting；
demanding unrelentingly an altogether unprecedented attention。 I
feel that in these matters my life has been almost typical of my
time。 Woman insists upon her presence。 She is no longer a mere
physical need； an aesthetic bye…play； a sentimental background； she
is a moral and intellectual necessity in a man's life。 She comes to
the politician and demands； Is she a child or a citizen？ Is she a
thing or a soul？ She comes to the individual man； as she came to me
and asks； Is she a cherished weakling or an equal mate； an
unavoidable helper？ Is she to be tried and trusted or guarded and
controlled； bond or free？ For if she is a mate； one must at once
trust more and exact more； exacting toil； courage； and the hardest；
most necessary thing of all； the clearest； most shameless；
explicitness of understanding。 。 。 。
2
In all my earlier imaginings of statecraft I had tacitly assumed
either that the relations of the sexes were all right or that anyhow
they didn't concern the state。 It was a matter they； whoever 〃they〃
were； had to settle among themselves。 That sort of disregard was
possible then。 But even before 1906 there were endless intimations
that the dams holding back great reservoirs of discussion were
crumbling。 We political schemers were ploughing wider than any one
had ploughed before in the field of social reconstruction。 We had
also； we realised； to plough deeper。 We had to plough down at last
to the passionate elements of sexual relationship and examine and
decide upon them。
The signs multiplied。 In a year or so half the police of the
metropolis were scarce sufficient to protect the House from one
clamorous aspect of the new problem。 The members went about
Westminster with an odd； new sense of being beset。 A good
proportion of us kept up the pretence that the Vote for Women was an
isolated fad； and the agitation an epidemic madness that would
presently pass。 But it was manifest to any one who sought more than
comfort in the matter that the streams of women and sympathisers and
money forthcoming marked far deeper and wider things than an idle
fancy for the franchise。 The existing laws and conventions of
relationship between Man and Woman were just as unsatisfactory a
disorder as anything else in our tumbled confusion of a world； and
that also was coming to bear upon statecraft。
My first parliament was the parliament of the Suffragettes。 I don't
propose to tell here of that amazing campaign； with its absurdities
and follies； its courage and devotion。 There were aspects of that
unquenchable agitation that were absolutely heroic and aspects that
were absolutely pitiful。 It was unreasonable； unwise； and； except
for its one central insistence； astonishingly incoherent。 It was
amazingly effective。 The very incoherence of the demand witnessed；
I think； to the forces that lay behind it。 It wasn't a simple
argument based on a simple assumption； it was the first crude
expression of a great mass and mingling of convergent feelings； of a
widespread； confused persuasion among modern educated women that the
conditions of their relations with men were oppressive； ugly；
dishonouring； and had to be altered。 They had not merely adopted
the Vote as a symbol of equality； it was fairly manifest to me that；
given it； they meant to use it； and to use it perhaps even
vindictively and blindly； as a weapon against many things they had
every reason to hate。 。 。 。
I remember； with exceptional vividness； that great night early in
the session of 1909； whenI think it wasfifty or sixty women went
to prison。 I had been dining at the Barham's； and Lord Barham and I
came down from the direction of St。 James's Park into a crowd and a
confusion outside the Caxton Hall。 We found ourselves drifting with
an immense multitude towards Parliament Square and parallel with a
silent； close…packed column of girls and women； for the most part
white…faced and intent。 I still remember the effect of their faces
upon me。 It was quite different from the general effect of staring
about and divided attention one gets in a political procession of
men。 There was an expression of heroic tension。
There had been a pretty deliberate appeal on the part of the women's
organisers to the Unemployed； who had been demonstrating throughout
that winter； to join forces with the movement； and the result was
shown in the quality of the crowd upon the pavement。 It was an
ugly； dangerous…looking crowd； but as yet good…tempered and
sympathetic。 When at last we got within sight of the House the
square was a seething seat of excited people； and the array of
police on horse an