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intellectualsI myself was； as it were； a promoted intellectual。
The Cramptons had a tendency to read good things aloud on their less
frequented receptions； but I have never been able to participate
submissively in this hyper…digestion of written matter； and
generally managed to provoke a disruptive debate。 We were all very
earnest to make the most of ourselves and to be and do； and I wonder
still at times； with an unassuaged perplexity； how it is that in
that phase of utmost earnestness I have always seemed to myself to
be most remote from reality。
2
I look back now across the detaching intervention of sixteen crowded
years； critically and I fancy almost impartially； to those
beginnings of my married life。 I try to recall something near to
their proper order the developing phases of relationship。 I am
struck most of all by the immense unpremeditated； generous…spirited
insincerities upon which Margaret and I were building。
It seems to me that here I have to tell perhaps the commonest
experience of all among married educated people； the deliberate；
shy； complex effort to fill the yawning gaps in temperament as they
appear； the sustained； failing attempt to bridge abysses； level
barriers； evade violent pressures。 I have come these latter years
of my life to believe that it is possible for a man and woman to be
absolutely real with one another； to stand naked souled to each
other； unashamed and unafraid； because of the natural all…glorifying
love between them。 It is possible to love and be loved untroubling；
as a bird flies through the air。 But it is a rare and intricate
chance that brings two people within sight of that essential union；
and for the majority marriage must adjust itself on other terms。
Most coupled people never really look at one another。 They look a
little away to preconceived ideas。 And each from the first days of
love…making HIDES from the other； is afraid of disappointing； afraid
of offending； afraid of discoveries in either sense。 They build not
solidly upon the rock of truth； but upon arches and pillars and
queer provisional supports that are needed to make a common
foundation； and below in the imprisoned darknesses； below the fine
fabric they sustain together begins for each of them a cavernous
hidden life。 Down there things may be prowling that scarce ever
peep out to consciousness except in the grey half…light of sleepless
nights； passions that flash out for an instant in an angry glance
and are seen no more； starved victims and beautiful dreams bricked
up to die。 For the most of us there is no jail delivery of those
inner depths； and the life above goes on to its honourable end。
I have told how I loved Margaret and how I came to marry her。
Perhaps already unintentionally I have indicated the quality of the
injustice our marriage did us both。 There was no kindred between us
and no understanding。 We were drawn to one another by the
unlikeness of our quality； by the things we misunderstood in each
other。 I know a score of couples who have married in that fashion。
Modern conditions and modern ideas； and in particular the intenser
and subtler perceptions of modern life； press more and more heavily
upon a marriage tie whose fashion comes from an earlier and less
discriminating time。 When the wife was her husband's subordinate；
meeting him simply and uncritically for simple ends； when marriage
was a purely domestic relationship； leaving thought and the vivid
things of life almost entirely to the unencumbered man； mental and
temperamental incompatibilities mattered comparatively little。 But
now the wife； and particularly the loving childless wife；
unpremeditatedly makes a relentless demand for a complete
association； and the husband exacts unthought of delicacies of
understanding and co…operation。 These are stupendous demands。
People not only think more fully and elaborately about life than
they ever did before； but marriage obliges us to make that ever more
accidented progress a three…legged race of carelessly assorted
couples。 。 。 。
Our very mental texture was different。 I was rough…minded； to use
the phrase of William James； primary and intuitive and illogical；
she was tender…minded； logical； refined and secondary。 She was
loyal to pledge and persons； sentimental and faithful； I am loyal to
ideas and instincts； emotional and scheming。 My imagination moves
in broad gestures； her's was delicate with a real dread of
extravagance。 My quality is sensuous and ruled by warm impulses；
hers was discriminating and essentially inhibitory。 I like the
facts of the case and to mention everything； I like naked bodies and
the jolly smells of things。 She abounded in reservations； in
circumlocutions and evasions； in keenly appreciated secondary
points。 Perhaps the reader knows that Tintoretto in the National
Gallery； the Origin of the Milky Way。 It is an admirable test of
tempera…mental quality。 In spite of my early training I have come
to regard that picture as altogether delightful； to Margaret it has
always been 〃needlessly offensive。〃 In that you have our
fundamental breach。 She had a habit； by no means rare； of damning
what she did not like or find sympathetic in me on the score that it
was not my 〃true self；〃 and she did not so much accept the universe
as select from it and do her best to ignore the rest。 And also I
had far more initiative than had she。 This is no catalogue of
rights and wrongs； or superiorities and inferiorities； it is a
catalogue of differences between two people linked in a relationship
that constantly becomes more intolerant of differences。
This is how we stood to each other； and none of it was clear to
either of us at the outset。 To begin with； I found myself reserving
myself from her； then slowly apprehending a jarring between our
minds and what seemed to me at first a queer little habit of
misunderstanding in her。 。 。 。
It did not hinder my being very fond of her。 。 。 。
Where our system of reservation became at once most usual and most
astounding was in our personal relations。 It is not too much to say
that in that regard we never for a moment achieved sincerity with
one another during the first six years of our life together。 It
goes even deeper than that； for in my effort to realise the ideal of
my marriage I ceased even to attempt to be sincere with myself。 I
would not admit my own perceptions and interpretations。 I tried to
fit myself to her thinner and finer determinations。 There are
people who will say with a note of approval that I was learning to
conquer myself。 I record that much without any note of approval。 。 。 。
For some years I never deceived Margaret about any concrete fact
nor； except for the silence about my earlier life that she had
almost forced upon me； did I hide any concrete fact