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thumb。 The world I hate is the rule…of…thumb world； the thing I and
my kind of people exist for primarily is to battle with that； to
annoy it； disarrange it； reconstruct it。 We question everything；
disturb anything that cannot give a clear justification to our
questioning； because we believe inherently that our sense of
disorder implies the possibility of a better order。 Of course we
are detestable。 My uncle was of that other vaster mass who accept
everything for the thing it seems to be； hate enquiry and analysis
as a tramp hates washing； dread and resist change； oppose
experiment； despise science。 The world is our battleground； and all
history； all literature that matters； all science； deals with this
conflict of the thing that is and the speculative 〃if〃 that will
destroy it。
But that is why I did not see Margaret Seddon again for five years。
CHAPTER THE SECOND
MARGARET IN LONDON
1
I was twenty…seven when I met Margaret again； and the intervening
five years had been years of vigorous activity for me； if not of
very remarkable growth。 When I saw her again； I could count myself
a grown man。 I think； indeed； I counted myself more completely
grown than I was。 At any rate； by all ordinary standards； I had
〃got on〃 very well； and my ideas； if they had not changed very
greatly； had become much more definite and my ambitions clearer and
bolder。
I had long since abandoned my fellowship and come to London。 I had
published two books that had been talked about； written several
articles； and established a regular relationship with the WEEKLY
REVIEW and the EVENING GAZETTE。 I was a member of the Eighty Club
and learning to adapt the style of the Cambridge Union to larger
uses。 The London world had opened out to me very readily。 I had
developed a pleasant variety of social connections。 I had made the
acquaintance of Mr。 Evesham； who had been attracted by my NEW RULER；
and who talked about it and me； and so did a very great deal to make
a way for me into the company of prominent and amusing people。 I
dined out quite frequently。 The glitter and interest of good London
dinner parties became a common experience。 I liked the sort of
conversation one got at them extremely； the little glow of duologues
burning up into more general discussions； the closing…in of the men
after the going of the women； the sage； substantial masculine
gossiping； the later resumption of effective talk with some pleasant
woman； graciously at her best。 I had a wide range of houses；
Cambridge had linked me to one or two correlated sets of artistic
and literary people； and my books and Mr。 Evesham and opened to me
the big vague world of 〃society。〃 I wasn't aggressive nor
particularly snobbish nor troublesome； sometimes I talked well； and
if I had nothing interesting to say I said as little as possible；
and I had a youthful gravity of manner that was liked by hostesses。
And the other side of my nature that first flared through the cover
of restraints at Locarno； that too had had opportunity to develop
along the line London renders practicable。 I had had my experiences
and secrets and adventures among that fringe of ill…mated or erratic
or discredited women the London world possesses。 The thing had long
ago ceased to be a matter of magic or mystery； and had become a
question of appetites and excitement； and among other things the
excitement of not being found out。
I write rather doubtfully of my growing during this period。 Indeed
I find it hard to judge whether I can say that I grew at all in any
real sense of the word； between three and twenty and twenty…seven。
It seems to me now to have been rather a phase of realisation and
clarification。 All the broad lines of my thought were laid down； I
am sure； by the date of my Locarno adventure； but in those five
years I discussed things over and over again with myself and others；
filled out with concrete fact forms I had at first apprehended
sketchily and conversationally； measured my powers against my ideals
and the forces in the world about me。 It was evident that many men
no better than myself and with no greater advantages than mine had
raised themselves to influential and even decisive positions in the
worlds of politics and thought。 I was gathering the confidence and
knowledge necessary to attack the world in the large manner； I found
I could write； and that people would let me write if I chose； as one
having authority and not as the scribes。 Socially and politically
and intellectually I knew myself for an honest man； and that quite
without any deliberation on my part this showed and made things easy
for me。 People trusted my good faith from the beginningfor all
that I came from nowhere and had no better position than any
adventurer。
But the growth process was arrested； I was nothing bigger at twenty…
seven than at twenty…two； however much saner and stronger； and any
one looking closely into my mind during that period might well have
imagined growth finished altogether。 It is particularly evident to
me now that I came no nearer to any understanding of women during
that time。 That Locarno affair was infinitely more to me than I had
supposed。 It ended somethingnipped something in the bud perhaps
took me at a stride from a vague； fine； ignorant； closed world of
emotion to intrigue and a perfectly definite and limited sensuality。
It ended my youth； and for a time it prevented my manhood。 I had
never yet even peeped at the sweetest； profoundest thing in the
world； the heart and meaning of a girl； or dreamt with any quality
of reality of a wife or any such thing as a friend among womanhood。
My vague anticipation of such things in life had vanished
altogether。 I turned away from their possibility。 It seemed to me
I knew what had to be known about womankind。 I wanted to work hard；
to get on to a position in which I could develop and forward my
constructive projects。 Women； I thought； had nothing to do with
that。 It seemed clear I could not marry for some years； I was
attractive to certain types of women； I had vanity enough to give me
an agreeable confidence in love…making； and I went about seeking a
convenient mistress quite deliberately； some one who should serve my
purpose and say in the end； like that kindly first mistress of mine；
〃I've done you no harm；〃 and so release me。 It seemed the only wise
way of disposing of urgencies that might otherwise entangle and
wreck the career I was intent upon。
I don't apologise for； or defend my mental and moral phases。 So it
was I appraised life and prepared to take it； and so it is a
thousand ambitious men see it to…day。 。 。 。
For the rest these five years were a period of definition。 My
political conceptions were perfectly plain and honest。 I had one
constant desire ruling my th