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not been able to find for myself alone。
〃I am certain of one thing； Britten。 It is our duty not to hush up
this scandal。〃
He raised his eyebrows。 I perceived now the element of absurdity in
me； but at the time I was as serious as a man who is burning。
〃It's our duty；〃 I went on； 〃to smash now openly in the sight of
every one。 Yes！ I've got that as clean and plainas prison
whitewash。 I am convinced that we have got to be public to the
uttermost nowI mean ituntil every corner of our world knows this
story； knows it fully； adds it to the Parnell story and the Ashton
Dean story and the Carmel story and the Witterslea story； and all
the other stories that have picked man after man out of English
public life； the men with active imaginations； the men of strong
initiative。 To think this tottering old…woman ridden Empire should
dare to waste a man on such a score！ You say I ought to be
penitent〃
Britten shook his head and smiled very faintly。
〃I'm boiling with indignation；〃 I said。 〃 I lay in bed last night
and went through it all。 What in God's name was to be expected of
us but what has happened？ I went through my life bit by bit last
night； I recalled all I've had to do with virtue and women； and all
I was told and how I was prepared。 I was born into cowardice and
debasement。 We all are。 Our generation's grimy with hypocrisy。 I
came to the most beautiful things in lifelike peeping Tom of
Coventry。 I was never given a light； never given a touch of natural
manhood by all this dingy； furtive； canting； humbugging English
world。 Thank God！ I'll soon be out of it！ The shame of it！ The
very savages in Australia initiate their children better than the
English do to…day。 Neither of us was ever given a view of what they
call morality that didn't make it show as shabby subservience； as
the meanest discretion； an abject submission to unreasonable
prohibitions！ meek surrender of mind and body to the dictation of
pedants and old women and fools。 We weren't taughtwe were mumbled
at！ And when we found that the thing they called unclean； unclean；
was Pagan beautyGod！ it was a glory to sin； Britten； it was a
pride and splendour like bathing in the sunlight after dust and
grime！〃
〃Yes；〃 said Britten。 〃That's all very well〃
I interrupted him。 〃I know there's a caseI'm beginning to think
it a valid case against us； but we never met it！ There's a steely
pride in self restraint； a nobility of chastity； but only for those
who see and think and actuntrammeled and unafraid。 The other
thing； the current thing； why！ it's worth as much as the chastity of
a monkey kept in a cage by itself！〃 I put my foot in a chair； and
urged my case upon him。 〃This is a dirty world； Britten； simply
because it is a muddled world； and the thing you call morality is
dirtier now than the thing you call immorality。 Why don't the
moralists pick their stuff out of the slime if they care for it； and
wipe it？damn them！ I am burning now to say： 'Yes； we did this and
this；' to all the world。 All the world！ 。 。 。 I will！〃
Britten rubbed the palm of his hand on the corner of his desk。
〃That's all very well； Remington；〃 he said。 〃You mean to go。〃
He stopped and began again。 〃If you didn't know you were in the
wrong you wouldn't be so damned rhetorical。 You're in the wrong。
It's as plain to you as it is to me。 You're leaving a big work；
you're leaving a wife who trusted you； to go and live with your
jolly mistress。 。 。 。 You won't see you're a statesman that
matters； that no single man； maybe； might come to such influence as
you in the next ten years。 You're throwing yourself away and
accusing your country of rejecting you。〃
He swung round upon his swivel at me。 〃Remington；〃 he said； 〃have
you forgotten the immense things our movement means？〃
I thought。 〃Perhaps I am rhetorical；〃 I said。
〃But the things we might achieve！ If you'd only stay noweven now！
Oh！ you'd suffer a little socially； but what of that？ You'd be able
to go onperhaps all the better for hostility of the kind you'd
get。 You know； Remingtonyou KNOW。〃
I thought and went back to his earlier point。 〃If I am rhetorical；
at any rate it's a living feeling behind it。 Yes； I remember all
the implications of our aimsvery splendid； very remote。 But just
now it's rather like offering to give a freezing man the sunlit
Himalayas from end to end in return for his camp…fire。 When you
talk of me and my jolly mistress； it isn't fair。 That misrepresents
everything。 I'm not going out of thisfor delights。 That's the
sort of thing men like Snuffles and Keyhole imaginethat excites
them！ When I think of the things these creatures think！ Ugh！ But
YOU know better？ You know that physical passion that burns like a
fireends clean。 I'm going for love； Brittenif I sinned for
passion。 I'm going； Britten； because when I saw her the other day
she HURT me。 She hurt me damnably； Britten。 。 。 。 I've been a cold
manI've led a rhetorical lifeyou hit me with that word！I put
things in a windy way； I know； but what has got hold of me at last
is her pain。 She's ill。 Don't you understand？ She's a sick thing
a weak thing。 She's no more a goddess than I'm a god。 。 。 。 I'm
not in love with her now； I'm RAW with love for her。 I feel like a
man that's been flayed。 I have been flayed。 。 。 。 You don't begin
to imagine the sort of helpless solicitude。 。 。 。 She's not going
to do things easily； she's ill。 Her courage fails。 。 。 。 It's hard
to put things when one isn't rhetorical； but it's this； Britten
there are distresses that matter more than all the delights or
achievements in the world。 。 。 。 I made her what she isas I never
made Margaret。 I've made herI've broken her。 。 。 。 I'm going
with my own woman。 The rest of my life and England； and so forth；
must square itself to that。 。 。 。〃
For a long time； as it seemed； we remained silent and motionless。
We'd said all we had to say。 My eyes caught a printed slip upon the
desk before him； and I came back abruptly to the paper。
I picked up this galley proof。 It was one of Winter's essays。
〃This man goes on doing first…rate stuff；〃 I said。 〃I hope you will
keep him going。〃
He did not answer for a moment or so。 〃I'll keep him going；〃 he
said at last with a sigh。
5
I have a letter Margaret wrote me within a week of our flight。 I
cannot resist transcribing some of it here； because it lights things
as no word of mine can do。 It is a string of nearly inconsecutive
thoughts written in pencil in a fine； tall； sprawling hand。 Its
very inconsecutiveness is essential。 Many words are underlined。 It
was in answer to one from me； but what I wrote has passed utterly
from my mind。 。 。 。
〃Certainly；〃 she says； 〃I want to hear from you； but I do not want
to see you。